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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Female colleague - AIBU

15 replies

rainbowxmastree · 13/12/2019 18:22

My head is a bit of a mess so I'm quite possibly overthinking this/overreacting. But please be kind.

My husband had a bit of a crush on a female colleague. I know there was no cheating but it came around the same time that we had pretty bad relationship issues and nearly split up so it's played on my mind a lot. We have trust issues at the moment from something he did that was nothing to do with her - but obviously trust issues mean the whole situation with her just still makes me feel very vulnerable.

He basically cut all contact with her as he knew how much it bothered me, I knew they had to speak occasionally for work stuff but that didn't really bother me.

He's now not working at the moment, he's looking though (bit of a long story, nothing to do with the colleague or our marriage). He's been offered some work for a couple of weeks which is obviously great as we need the money. The thing that's bothering me is that it's a company she also does some freelance work for so she's basically 'put a word in' for him getting this work. It'll be working from home so it's not like he'll even see her, so I'm not sure why it's bothering me - hence me asking if I'm being unreasonable for not being happy about it. I know I'm waffling and probably not making much sense, I think it's just the fact he's obviously spoken to her about this that's bothering me. I know I can't exactly make him turn the work down, work is work after all. I would really appreciate people's thoughts.

OP posts:
LL83 · 13/12/2019 18:26

Can you afford for him not to work for a bit? If not then he has to take any help he can get.
If you are ok with him speaking to her for work then I don't think this is any different.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 13/12/2019 18:32

So it’s not the job that’s the issue it’s that he is talking to her about it. Did you know they were still in Touch?

PaperbackBlighter · 13/12/2019 18:33

If your level of trust in this man is so low that you’re not comfortable in him working from home in a company where she freelances, I really don’t see how you can get past this.

Original poster
rainbowxmastree · 13/12/2019 18:45

@LL83 yep that's what the rational part of my brain is telling me. Thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate it.

@CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe I know they speak very occasionally to do with work stuff (they've done other freelance stuff for the same companies before, every so often). I'm OK with that, he's not hidden it from me and I know it's very short to the point messages, there's no more general chit chat. But yes I think it's just something in my brain going 'Arrrrgh he's spoken to her'.

@PaperbackBlighter fair point. Absolutely, it's not ideal. I think if there hadn't been other stuff to cause the trust issues then this probably wouldn't bother me as much as it does. But I know this isn't right and that lack of trust can eat away at you Sad we've had conversations about rebuilding trust and I'm giving it time to see if we can come through this and I can trust him again, but I've made it clear that if time doesn't help and I don't manage to get to a point where I trust him again then I think - as much as I love him - it'll have to be over because I can't live like this long term.

OP posts:
elmosducks · 13/12/2019 18:57

My DH has had a couple of little crushes over our 20 year marriage (as have I, we are only human!) and I found them cute, but I have never felt any danger, so to speak.

If you are feeling bothered, talk to him. Communication is key.

category12 · 13/12/2019 19:03

What did he do to create these "trust issues"?

Original poster
rainbowxmastree · 13/12/2019 19:05

@elmosducks thank you. Yeah, I keep reminding myself we're all human and just because you get married it doesn't mean you stop fancying other people! In fact we used to joke about other people we found fit/attractive. It's just since our other rough patch/issues that my confidence has taken a massive beating. I know nothing ever happened with them but when my brain is spiralling I convince myself he wanted something to happen and that's why he was questioning our relationship when we were talking about separating. Of course, he says his crush on her was completely unconnected to any of that. I suppose I've got to accept I'll never really know though.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowxmastree · 13/12/2019 19:09

@category12 I discovered him chatting to women online. Which I know is a whole other issue and a bigger one than a crush on a colleague! He hadn't met anyone but I know that's no excuse. I still don't know if I'll ever get past it tbh but I just want to believe that sometimes people fuck up and then regret their actions and want to put it right - rather than it always being a case of 'if they do it once, they'll do it again'. Maybe I'm being really naive there though.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/12/2019 19:34

It's not a whole other issue - it's part of the same thing - he's got form for chasing other women. Now he's "got a crush" and still keeping in contact. And you think you have "trust issues" when you have untrustworthy partner issues.

Life's too short, OP, really it is. The pain and emotional energy you expend trying to make it work with a philandering bloke is not worth it. Been there.

Original poster
rainbowxmastree · 13/12/2019 19:38

I know what you're saying, I really do. I think if the OP was someone else then I'd be replying the same sort of thing as you. It's just so hard isn't it. It would be easier if he'd always been like this, if he'd always been a lying shit. But over 10 years of being happy, do I let one mistake go? It's just so hard.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/12/2019 19:41

It's not one mistake.

ConfCall · 13/12/2019 19:48

He messaged women, he’s interested in other women, so you no longer trust him. This is your new normal OP, the feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. You need to accept that it is what it is and get on with things, or leave him. There is no point hoping he’ll become a different sort of man.

EKGEMS · 13/12/2019 20:08

It's a hell of a lot of mistakes piled up into a large stack of shit from the one who promised to "forsake all others"

Doggybiccys · 13/12/2019 20:33

My DH had a n emotional affair then left me to make it physical. Our marriage was shit and we were both thinking about leaving. His OW was someone he’d fancied 25 years ago but I was pregnant. She came back into his life through work at our worst time. He mistook going to the pub in a gang after shift and having fun 25 years ago with being in a r/ship with her. He tried it out but it didn’t work. We are trying again and things are v good.

But he still works with her - 14 hour shifts including hours together in a van. It’s the hardest thing I’ve done but I’ve had to let it go .... if he wanted to be with her, he would ....she’s made it quite clear she would give up her relationship for him. As shit as it is,I believe he wants to be with me so am letting the other shit go.....but it’s v difficult ❤️

Gemma1971 · 13/12/2019 23:24

What was he saying to women online? Do you mean dating sites? Pick-up sites?

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