When it is best not to declare feelings

[Alanis126]

I had a heart to heart with a straight male friend about this. We're conditioned to think declaring feelings is always the right way to go when there are 2 single people of mutually attracted genders involved. I sometimes think part of this goes back to the media stereotype of the male nice guy/unlucky in love type who wins over the conventionally attractive woman with persistence. I know my friend very well and the woman he is attracted to slightly via another acquaintance. The thing is, I know she isn't interested in him. She has never given any signals at all. He says he knows she probably isn't but still wants to say. I don't think it'd be good for his confidence at all to say anything in the face of highly likely rejection. Wondered what people thought.

I would advise to say it even if she rejects him, he can then accept it and move on / achieve closure. Without it it may run into an obsession that he carries with him for a long time, gnaws away at him and prevents him from finding someone who does want him.

I can see both points of view but...if she has made it really obvious she isn't into him already then 'just saying' might be wandering into harassment territory.

Asking her out on a date might be acceptable if she hasn't said no already. But declaring feelings is just creepy. And as if he is trying to guilt trip her.

Tell him he could invite her for a coffee and if she says no, he has his answer.

Maybe you could find out for him? Not everyone gives off signals.

I think if he does it in a non creepy way and accepts no if she’s not interested then it’s good for him because he gets it off his chest and can move on if she isn’t interested and for her it’s always nice to hear someone finds you attractive

Let's put it this way, I as an adult woman have had crushes on people that I haven't been dating and that I haven't been interested in. At no point would I say to them 'hey, I have feelings for you'.

Because that is not their burden to bare.
And because my feelings are not their responsibility.

You say it yourself, she has given him no reason to think she is into him. So why is it her responsibility to feel bad for not liking him? It isn't. But if he tells her he has 'feelings' for her, she then has to be the 'bad guy' saying no. He might be unburdened but she feels burdened. She knows she doesn't owe him anything (provided she has healthy self esteem)/but she still doesn't like hurting someone. Especially someone she has to continue to work with.

I worked with a guy once who I realised was getting the wrong idea. So I backed off. But wprking with him meant i couldnt avoid him. He must have asked me out about 4 times. Each time I politely made excuses. Eg: 'I'm too busy', eh...maybe we could invite others and make a group thing of it', not replying to texts changing subject. Trying not to be the bad guy but feeling worse and worse that he 'wasnt getting the message'. The truth is - he GOT the message. He knew I wasn't interested. That I was saying no. But he just wouldn't leave it. He was trying to guilt me into a date.

So I flat out told him I wasn't interested and enough was enough. He then begged me for a date. I said no. I ultimately left my job because it was so uncomfortable being around him.

Obviously I could have been like 'no' from the offset but i think as women, we are conditioned to to hurt men's feelings.

I am assuming your friend isn't as bad as my creeper. But if he if decent, he'll take a friggin hint. And if he really isn't sure she doesn't like him (which I doubt) he'll ask her out once and if she doesn't seem keen, back the feck off.

*and that hasn't been interested in me

*not to hurt men's feelings
Sry should proof read

Pinkbonbon is spot on.

I've had very similar scenarios and ended up having to refer one case up the chain and have the twat removed from my team.

Declaring feelings is a terrible idea and this is why.

When you are in the moment it all feels earth shattering Romeo & Juliet end of the world and you just want to tell them because a tiny grain of you hopes the declaration will make them see the light and they too felt the same but were to shy to say. It won't.

Five years later when you are over it, you will be glad you never embarrassed yourself by coming over all emotional to someone who was not right for you and didn't give a shit.

If you said anything, you will cringe inside til the day you die.

I broadly agree with what was said here. He isn't a horrible person at all and wouldn't certainly ever harass anyone. I think it stems from having held back in the past with others and found out too late that the feeling had been mutual. But a failed attempt now doesn't make up for a missed connection then. I do very much think women end up doing male ego maintenance work here which sometimes seems a bit much. OTOH and of course this isn't the situation here, it'd be a bit sad if people held back and never said anything at all if there was a chance of something blossoming.

It depends what he has in mind - a straight forward "would you like to come out for a drink with me. As a date?" is fine. Once. A big splurge of feelings about his passionate interest is not.