Where the hell do we go from here?

[Sweetdisposition91]

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and 3 months, he’s always been the perfect man, crazy in love seemed like the perfect model couple etc.. now we have been away travelling for 3 months together, had some great times and experiences!

However, I admit my insecurity issues which I’ve always suffered with have come out massively more whilst out here, I’ve accused him of looking at women a few times and I’m always comparing myself to other people and needing reassurance etc which has escalated into arguments. I realise this means I’ve probably been emotionally abusive and I recognise this and I’m going to get therapy or counselling when I get home as I’ve been in abusive relationships in the past and have never really dealt with my issues. Before he would always reassure me and we would move on straight away but I think he’s got understandably fed up of it as I know it’s draining!

During these arguments though my boyfriend has been really spiteful and played on my insecurities. He says he only says it to “hurt me” and to shut me up but in turn it makes me feel worse and more insecure! Things include saying about my “sticky out big teeth” (I’ve had braces my teeth are straight but I always worry they still stick out!) My “back fat” (he says he only says what I moan about!), he tells me things to spare my feelings, I’ve let myself go out here, I’m an abuser and probably lying about being abused in the past, I’m a horrible person, he no longer fancies me Cos how I’ve been is a complete put off and his feelings have changed he doesn’t feel a fraction compared to what he did etc..

when we are back to normal he insists he doesn’t really mean all of it but that his feelings aren’t exactly the same because I’ve pushed him away - but we go in a vicious cycle because then I feel worse about myself!

He keeps changing his mind whether he wants to be with me or not and I feel so guilty as I feel like it’s my fault for pushing him so far that he wants to be so nasty to me (I admit I do go on and on at times!)

It’s doomed isn’t it? Has therapy helped anyone with insecurity issues?

You're not right for each other. Move on.

He keeps changing his mind because we say we will move on from everything and let it go then admittedly I start talking about it again and it winds him up then he says I can’t let things go it won’t work etc.., which is probably right but I am struggling to let everything go!

If you’re an abuser, so is he. I would never be with someone who says those things about me. I’ve been with my DH 17 years and he’s never once said anything insensitive about my appearance.

Your BF is a cunt.

Make your plans to get home asap , not with parents if they are the ones who have accustomed you to abuse.

You really need to allow him to escape.
Then do some serious work on yourself before embarking on any more relationships.

But..... what he says and how nasty he is is NOT OK either.
A person who properly loves you would not do his best to make you feel shit about all your insecurities.
And he is calling you are liar regarding previous abuse.
Again NOT OK!!!!

I would suggest that you take a break (or actually break up) so that you can spend time by yourself to work on yourself, build your self esteem, work on your issues, and learn to love yourself before trying to find a partner.

Why on earth would you want to continue this?

Everyone has to go through this sort of ‘personal growth’, so don’t be too hard on yourself. See it as an exciting next phase of learning to appreciate who you are and focusing on the most important person in your life; you.

And I agree with PPs; doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship

' I feel so guilty as I feel like it’s my fault for pushing him so far that he wants to be so nasty to me'

No, he is verbally/emotionally abusive. You don't deserve that. xxxx

I just feel so sad as he’s always been the absolute perfect boyfriend until all this and I feel like we are never going to get that back!

No he isn't the perfect boyfriend. That's a front. The real him is the nasty bastard.

This is toxic. You only wasted 15 months of your life dont waste anymore

Bin him

You are both at fault.

You have issues caused by your insecurity. You obviously need to work on these because it is sabotaging your relationship to a certain extent.

But...the things your 'perfect' bf is saying, are making the situation a million times worse. He has basically called you fat and ugly and said he doesnt like you - how the fuck does he think that's going to go down with someone with self esteem issues? Even a really confident person would struggle with their partner pointing out their physical flaws.

To be honest I think there is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour - he is just trying to hurt you. Either he enjoys putting you down or he cant communicate in a healthy way - he has reverted to playground insults instead of talking about the issue. In 15 years I've been with my husband neither of us have ever said anything deliberately hurtful in an argument. We say when the others behaviour has annoyed us and we do get angry but there is no need to be nasty. And if that's the way he argues, you are never going to be able to actually resolve any issues in your relationship because he will 'win' all your arguments by going below the belt and insulting you.

I think the only way youd be able to get past this is you working hard on your insecurities and him working hard on his communication style. Given you're probably both young and havent been together that long or have any ties, I'm not sure its worth it

He was never the perfect bf, they don’t exist. You wanted him to be and he may of said and did the ‘right’ things in the beginning because that’s what people do but that that time is over.

You weren’t ready for a relationship and you haven’t done the work with dealing with your issues which makes you susceptible to men like this.

Move on. When you meet the one they don't make you feel insecure.

However, if you really think this is you not him then get councilling to deal with your issues before even thinking about being with someone else.

What you two have is unhealthy and toxic. No good will come from it.

Get rid.
If you think counselling is what you need as a person to help you then do it but don't attach it to getting you and bf on track etc.Do it to heal yourself. It's about self-care.
This one's not worth it.

We arrived home today... he told me earlier that I’m the biggest cunt he’s ever met and that he doesn’t love me and kept dropping me like a yo yo when before I was suggesting we try to sort things out...

He’s taken all his stuff from mine and gone, we were both sad, but why do I feel so down about this idiot?! I’m holding on to how lovely he was before ☹️

Let go of that and look at how nastily he behaved. That was abusive. Everyone can be nice - it’s how they behave when things are bad that you need to look at. And it’s possible to express anger and frustration without spewing insulting bile like he did. I was very insecure in the first few years of my rel with my DH and he never said things like that to me even though he did get frustrated. I had counselling and think you need to do the same because you definitely need to work on your self-esteem. And please don’t hanker after perfect - there’s no such thing. Everyone has their faults. But when those faults include the kind of vicious nastiness that this man went in for, then it’s time to get rid. Actually I think you’ve had a lucky escape because he sounds abusive to me and if he’s behaving like that now, he will only get worse.

What you thought he was before your trip wasn't the real him. He was putting on an act that he couldn't sustain. Seen it so many times - with any relationship it takes time to really know a person and it's only after a while when the mask drops and the honeymoon period is over you see their true colours.
On your trip away you encountered a version of him that's much closer to the truth and from what you've said it's vile.

I also think he played on your insecurities which made you behave out of character..
Dont blame yourself, he was toxic - dry your eyes and move on.

Wow! It might not feel like it now but good riddance is right.
YOU didn't make him behave like that or say those things! He made that choice all by himself.
So what you're getting pissed off that he looks at other women. Maybe insecure but that doesn't mean you're a cunt for God's sake.
You don't deserve this !!!
That's a horrible way to speak to anyone but especially the person you're supposed to love.
You're lucky he's gone. No i k his number and try to make yourself happy without him.
Focus on You! Don't depend your happiness on other people.
You can make yourself happy and one day someone will join you and would never make you feel insecure intentionally.