I've gone into hedgehog mode: snap me out of it please.

[Schmanxiety]

Background: Was cheated on by ExH. He would go AWOL on nights out/Xmas parties so they became a trigger for my anxiety (diagnosed).

First relationship after separating: he ghosted me after two years.

Needless to say I have more issues than Vogue. At the first sign of someone losing interest/making less effort than usual I back the fuck off in an act of self-defence. They can't ghost you if you ghost them first kinda thing. I'm aware how twisted this is. And yes I'm in therapy 😐.

Have been with lovely BF for two years. We are really very happy and stable and he has given me zero reason to question his loyalty but his marriage did end due to him having an affair (too long to get into but he was honest about it with me from start, regrets it massively and has had lots of counselling to sort his head out. I fully believe he has changed).

He's on his work do tonight. In another city. Where his ex (the OW) lives. Out with mostly female colleagues. Staying in a hotel.

He's been in contact less than usual. A few texts rather than the usual phone call. Understandable as he's busy but my scumbag brain has started to kick in and I'm sat here dwelling on the fact that even though I do trust him and I genuinely don't think he would cheat on me, he could be doing anything right now with anyone and I will never know.

I have never/would never look at his phone and I don't do social media so have no idea who he talks to/interacts with so in all likelihood would never find out.

I can feel my heart rate rising and am feeling quite panicky. Just need to go to sleep.

Advice anyone?

Why would you date a man that has form for cheating?

Maybe just keep reminding yourself that it’s your brain playing tricks on you and you will feel much more rational in the morning. It’s a fear of a future hurt based on a past hurt - but that doesn’t necessarily mean in based on reality.

Is there anything that helps you sleep? White noise or hot milk?

Mean it’s based on reality

Thanks Tickly.

I've had a bath and am now listening to a podcast in bed.

The thoughts are really overwhelming. Trying to focus on some breathing techniques and reminding myself that BF is not my ex and I have no reason to doubt him.

and I have no reason to doubt him.

You do have a reason don't you? This

but his marriage did end due to him having an affair

You are just dating. He was married - vows and all that jazz.

The best indicator of future action is past action.

Sorry but there it is. You can't say you have zero basis to doubt him. He cheated on his WIFE. You are just a gf of 2 years. He'd do that to his wife presumably of longer than 2 years.

If you believe he's changed (and it sounds like he's done a lot of work on himself) then maybe it would be good to look at this from an angle of treating the anxiety.

When you say "he could be doing anything right now and I won't know", you're absolutely right. You're a human being. Unless you get in a relationship with a robot, you will never be able to know what someone is doing 100% of the time. Anxiety breeds on uncertainty (I know, I have OCD). You need to gain strategies to manage uncertainty. You need to accept the fact that he could indeed be cheating on you. But, the vast majority of the evidence is that he isn't. And there is no evidence to suggest that there is.

This isn't about your DP's infidelity (or potential). It's about your anxiety. Until you see irrefutable evidence to the contrary, write this off as a bad anxiety episode. Don't let your anxiety ruin what sounds like a positive and healthy relationship.

Do you practise mindfulness, and have you done any work on not attaching to your thoughts? I find that stuff very very helpful.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Seriously i have no way of knowing what your dp is up to but i wouldn't pin this all on your 'scumbag brain'.

I think you should be single for a while, get lots of counselling and then you'll be able to see the wood for the trees when it comes to men. Until you've done that you'll always be insecure and unsure whether it's you being paranoid or them actually being unfaithful.