If you've been cheated on...what was your relationship like prior to finding out ?

[Candace19]

Just that really. For me, my previous relationship was awful for the duration (don't know why we stayed together for best part of 20 years) so I wasn't surprised about the cheating. Since separating I have just started to see someone new & I'm desperately trying not to screw it up but part of me (probably wise and for self preservation) is wary of trusting completely. He is lovely and says & does all the right things but should I find out he's cheating I will be devastated. So....do men (or women) behave perfectly with you but still cheat ? Or do they cheat when your relationship is having a could be better patch ? Every relationship carries risk but I really don't want to get hurt again.

I've NC for this.

I cheated, for 1 day. I ended my long term relationship the next day as I knew that me cheating meant the end. Relationship was dire. Talks had been had that meant a split was highly likely. Afterwards I found items that also looked like my ex had cheated but potentially for a very long time. I'll never know. But our relationship was more like housemates.

DP left his long term partner to be with me. He was in the same situation. Very unhappy, totally platonic relationship. He already had planned to leave anyway, meeting me had sped up that process.

A friend of mine cheated on her H. He refused to have sex with her (for years) and wasn't interested in trying to fix their relationship. She told him long before that she wasn't going to try anymore, he ignored this. She had an affair and left.

I know of others. All from unhappy relationships. IMO people who are truely happy together do not look elsewhere. If they do something is wrong with the relationship, whether the other person can see it or not.

People cheat for all kinds of reasons and whilst I think many people tell themselves that only people in unhappy or bad relationships cheat, I don’t think that’s true at all. Sometimes people cheat because they’re simply attracted to or fall in love with somebody else simultaneously. Monogamy is hard for an awful lot of people. It’s a social construct with its roots in religion and economics rather than biology. Most people who are unfaithful are not bad people, just people who struggle with the accepted party line that at some point in your life you must choose somebody who you will exclusively have sex with for the rest of your life even when you might find many other people in the ensuing decades attractive. When you really think about it, it’s a weird fucking concept.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that if this new man is also unfaithful, it’s probably not going to be about you or what you have or haven’t done. Don’t make yourself miserable trying to be the perfect partner so as to stop someone cheating. Yes, a bad patch in a relationship can sometimes be a catalyst for looking elsewhere - but every relationship has its bad patches yet not everyone will cheat during them. The main thing is really just to retain enough independence and self-reliance that something so out of your control doesn’t devastate you. Don’t put your future and your emotions in somebody else’s hands.

@Anon54321 thank you for sharing. I'm pleased you got your happy ending.

@ComtesseDeSpair wise words and ultimately I am trying to remain open to a relationship but also be realistic about people and their possible choices. What I'm struggling with I guess is that I would like to be in a committed, monogamous relationship. I can handle it if we're not on the same page (I think) I just don't want to be lied to. He does reassure me that there is only me. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and the past has had more of an impact than I realise. Gosh I'm hard work haha.

Relationship was awful, more than on the rocks

I think there are two main types of cheating.

The exit affair where the relationship sucks and the affair is usually the kick up the arse needed for it to end. Being discovered is often a relief as it means that everyone can move on, hopefully to better relationships in the future.

Then there is the egotistical affair which is all about the buzz of risking everything, intense passion because it is high risk in case the cheater gets caught, not to mention the thrill of being with someone different to your DP. In egotistical affairs, the cheater rarely wants their main relationship to end enough to do something about it. They are probably fairly happy, have a caring partner to do all the mundane stuff at home with and the excitement of the other person to spice things up.

It was great
The affair was all about him, not us

ExH cheated. To be honest, the relationship was long dead. I had an inkling something was off but I really didn’t care, in fact, I didn’t feel anything when I was told, I was long beyond caring, we were in different worlds.

Unfortunately once you've been betrayed you realise what men who say they love you can be capable of. At some point in a new relationship you have to take a leap of faith and for me I'm not willing to risk that so I'm not relationship material yet (I'm only a few weeks in to my separation though). My STBXH cheated in our honeymoon period with his ex and it continued for months. He was (in hindsight) love bombing me, making plans for the future and moving in with me, all while spending his supposed contact time with his children shagging away. So I won't take that leap of faith for a very very long time......... just keep your guard up

When my ExH cheated it was a shock.
Nothing wrong with the relationship.
Still enjoyed each others company.
Great sex life.
But as soon as it started 'I knew'
Same with the next one.
I'm staying single now.
I won't trust another man.

According to ExDH our marriage was never very good, don’t know why he decided to have dc, move house and start a business together then! In my eyes it was fine, happy at the beginning, slightly strained after dc but I think that’s quite normal, but really not that bad.
He didn’t tell me he wasn’t happy until I found out about the affair so it did come out of the blue for me.
I don’t agree that monogamy is hard, if you love someone, it doesn’t matter if you’re attracted to someone else, you don’t do anything about that attraction because you should never knowingly do anything to hurt the person you love.
I do have a new DP, he knows how much my last relationship damaged me and I truly believe he would never do that to me. And I also believe there are not that many shitty bastards around who do cheat on their partners.

Lacklustre to say the least.

I think the trusting another one is very difficult because a lot of “single” people on dating sites will be on there because they too cheated in their relationships. They never tell you that though.

I think what you're after here nobody can give OP, I was cheated on and now I, like you, just can't bear the thought of being lied to and ultimately, want to feel in control of my life and feelings again. Being cheated on and lied to removes all control from you and it is difficult to get over.

Unfortunately there is no way to guarantee that you are not being cheated on, or lied to- there just isn't. People cheat for many reasons, when the relationship is going well as well as badly, at the very start as well as years in. Some cheaters make more effort with their partners when they cheat, some are obviously AWOL. It doesn't matter what the ratio is here sadly, that is still the case. You only have to read how many blindsided women there are on here to see that.

In the nicest possible way perhaps the past has had a significant impact and is the issue here. Maybe you could seek a therapist and work through the issue with them if the remnants of it are still lingering and causing you emotional distress and impacting your relationship. I Imagine that will be more helpful than hoping to find external anecdotes to reassure. It's hard OP- cheating is awfully damaging

Thank you all for commenting. Some very wise words. Unfortunately from experience it sounds. Yes I'm perhaps more damaged by the past than I had realised. I definitely need some help hahaha. Should this go wrong, I'm dying my hair purple and adopting a shit load of cats.

When a someone cheats it's emotional abuse. (Get some counciling ) someone once told me (Pete tosh) I am not here to live up to your expectations nor are you here to live up to mine. My whatever is cheating on me atm and he is refuseing to tell me. I think you need to keep strong and not get to emotionally attached to quickly. Learn everything you can about your dp ect before you confess all the love in the world. I've been with my partner for 17years and it's long when there is zero trust. I know not all men are the same although it feels like it sometimes. Build your trust for him and keep a little distance for yourself.

I have strong views on cheating and don't see that there is an excuse, or rarely. Just leave. I really do see it as that simple. People argue that it isn't easy but i actually think it is. You may not have been able to leave the house, financially, and yes sometimes there's controlling or abuse, but in most cases: most could tell the other person kindly that they didn't want to be together anymore.