Jealous

[jamdhanihash]

I've just had a rather large realisation (at counselling tonight) that I'm an incredibly jealous person. Specifically at this moment I'm jealous of (and very weird around) my incredibly clever boss, but looking back on my life there's always been someone that I've been fixatedly jealous of.

I'm glad I've had this realisation and I want to not be this person. I am so deluded as I always thought I wasn't jealous. What a big lie. I think I'm beginning to see the damage it's doing to me. Does anyone have any suggestions to help me get to grips with this please?

Just acknowledging it is amazing! Well done.

I know this might not be your cup of tea, but I also guess this is the reason for a forum like this to get other people’s opinions.

Whenever I feel negative energy of any sort towards a person or situation I do the ho'oponopono, or also known as Haitian prayer:
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
I love you

And repeat repeat repeat!

I swear it works (for me anyway and lots of others, loads of info on google)

I also struggle with jealously and this has helped

I‘m not sure, but personally I’ve found jealousy a really enlightening way of knowing the goals/values I want to move towards. It’s helped me Make big decisions. Like if you thought about your boss what do you want and what is it telling you? Are you currently being the person you want to be? I think it’s ok to feel however you feel, more a question of how you relate to that feeling xx

I have to say, having been on the end of this type of jealousy, it is incredibly damaging for the recipient too. I don't know if that gives you perspective, that it's damaging for both.

I agree with crazyhead that it can be an amazing insight into what you want to achieve. But sometimes we have to accept, and grieve, that we'll never be what we want - grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the cottage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You're lovely to have faced this. Bravo you 💐

Cottage, even 🙄

Fuck? COURAGE

Lula I'm going to try that, thank you.

Crazyhead, hopefully I can get over the shame of feeling so petty and detach enough to examine this objectively. It's a good idea thank you.

Springydaff, that does help thanks, could you tell me how it's been being on the receiving end of this please? I want to understand the damage it does to recipients. It would help massively. For me, jealousy is an entirely self-focussed thing. It's very much 'poor me' and I need that knocked on the head.

The recipient of jealousy can often end up feeling bullied. I doubt they are unaware of your feelings - you will be displaying it somehow, in the way you interact with them. They will have that feeling of "why does x treat me like that when I've only been nice to them?".

Personally I think jealousy is the ugliest emotion. I've been the subject of a jealous person at work on more than one occasion and it's hurtful - being blamed for having what they think they should have when I've worked hard for what I have and also my life is far from peachy or perfect!

I have also had a jealous partner and the contempt he directed towards me was very hurtful and confusing.

These days I'm a bit older and wiser and don't waste any time on it, but in my younger days I found it all very confusing and hurtful.

In short, jealousy is not inwardly focussed (very much the opposite).

If you want to get over it, examine what it is that you perceive they have that you do not. Is it things you can change? You aren't going to become cleverer for example, but you could get yourself a nicer car.

I wouldn't agree that jealousy is the ugliest emotion. It's up there with all the others, no better or worse. It's hard to live with on both sides: it indicates considerable disquiet on the person who is jealous; it is wounding for the person subjected to it. The only ugly is someone who would get off on someone being jealous of them. Imo anyway.

You've been brave to face this op, you don't need any shaming. You don't want it and you're prepared to explore where it's comes from. Bravo you 💐

Thank you springdaffs. My sister was badly bullied at school for her beauty. She was gorgeous. Jealousy caused ugly behaviour in a few folk. I've no doubt she had some friends who also felt jealous of her but did not act badly. I liked your distinctions. The bullies got off on it.

Isleepinahedgefund my boss and I have exactly the same car, same model, spec, everything. I did copy him but it was based on his recommendation and he was right! Fab car. I don't want anything better than him. I just want to make peace with whatever's causing this disquiet.

Did they confess to being jealous or was that your assessment? Have you felt jealous yourself and could recognise it? I'm sorry that colleagues would 'blame' you for having things. More than one colleague? How do you think that situation arose and how did it work out?

You're right that he has something I do want and need: I've got not a single career plan, goal, or even vague thought as to what comes next. I say I'm unambitious to protect myself from my feelings of incompetency and undeservedness.

Do your mean jealous, or envious? It's a useful distinction when trying to understand the issues- I'm not mentioning it as a spelling-grammar twat.

I'm not sure what the difference is sorry

I have been the recipient of jealousy. A friend of mine (who has an amazing and enviable life!) started treating me differently, sly digs, and side eyes, sighing and saying I was "typically waiting" but wouldn't elaborate on what's wrong with me/ her etc.

Then one day after a lot of wine she said some very hurtful things and it became abundantly clear WHY she'd been so off- jealousy. It's not unwarranted, and I feel for her, it's a horrible feeling for her. But it was also really horrible for me. I felt small and undermined, and misunderstood. Jealous people make you feel unheard and as they are projecting a lot onto you , you feel both invisible (because your not really seen- your life isn't perfect and they aren't appreciative of you outside of the object of jealousy) and overly conscious of being watched and judged.

I've done all I can to distance myself from her now.

Well done for recognising your feelings op. I'm very sure my friend hasn't and never will.

Jealousy/envy in my experience usually results in some horrible behaviour. It takes the form of bitchy comments, dirty looks, little digs, attempts to put the focus person down to make the envious person feel better about them selves.

It's really shitty being on the receiving end. I have a friend who does this in phases and it's weight related. She's very heavy and she makes bitchy comments when she's down about it. It can be as silly as I say would you like a coffee, and she will respond with "oh are you going to get off your arse then". For awhile I suspected from the way she eyed me up and down that was the issue. And then one night she really let go and it became clear. We've moved past it, but I'm very very wary of her on this subject and try to always compliment her to make her feel good about herself, because I and every one else knows it's there, simmering under the surface

Jealous people usually don't like themselves very much. I think if you focus in making yourself into the sort of person that you are deep down, hand on heart proud to be, you will find that your jealousy goes away on its own.

I do think it's a useful indicator at times, as it shows us what we value and want for ourselves. Once you work out exactly what aspects of a person's life or personality make you jealous, start to work towards those goals or cultivate the same traits in yourself. Good luck OP, it's not easy to admit your shortcomings at times.

Jealousy is a killer. It's hurtful. There is also no need for it. I think it derives from hate. People are so self orientated that they can't see how they make others feel. People are jelious of me and I just think if I can affect you this much then you are a shallow person. You can't say anything right to someone who is jealous they do not listen I am on the opinion that it's a disorder and I can forgive.

I don’t understand jealousy and I do find it very irritating and annoying. This thread is helpful to me though as I am dealing with someone at work who I think might be jealous and she’s not very nice to me. I don’t waste my energy trying to make her feel better. In the past I seemed to attract people who were like this and I always tried to make them feel better about themselves, which is so pointless as it seems to feed some monster inside that is never satisfied and sucks all of the energy out of you

I think yes work on what comes out under the surface that you don’t hide from others. The woman I work with can’t seem to notice that she lets slip barbed comments or is obviously being unhelpful on purpose. I can see it and it’s cringy.

My suggestion would be to work in increasing your self esteem. I apologise because this is going to sound incredibly patronising but, once that you love yourself more, accept yourself as you are and are in peace with your own values and preferences you won’t feel jealous, because what other people attains do not reflect on you.

It's a very healthy behaviour to look inwardly at your behaviour and realise that there are elements of your personality or thinking you want to work on. So well done you!

I did this earlier in the year too and I have been working on loads of behaviours I want to change. It's been a personal journey and I feel great about it.