Dating someone with commitment issues

[Smogster]

Hi all,

I'm hoping for some advice from people who may have been in a similar situation to me, and would be really grateful to anyone who reads my post.

To set the scene, I'm mid-40's guy and until May was in a long term (8 year) relationship until my ex ended it. Since then, I've been taking some time out to recover and dip my toes back into dating again. After lots of online chatting, and a handful of real life dates that didn't work out, I've finally met someone who I really like, and she seems to like me. We started talking back in August, but due to work/holiday and other commitments we didn't actually meet until 6 weeks later - but spoke almost every day.

Since then, things have been progressing slowly but surely. We've had around 8/9 dates - and the last month have been seeing each other every week. She stayed over at mine a few weeks ago for the first time (but didn't sleep together), and then we went away last weekend for a couple of nights. A few days prior to this she said she was worried that I didn't fancy her, but I pointed out I was just taking things at her pace - however I really did fancy her and she had nothing to worry about. On our first night away, she was very nervous when we were in bed, and wasn't quite ready for full sex - although we did everything but, and without going into too much detail, it was obvious she enjoyed it. But apparently she hasn't slept with anyone since her last relationship which was maybe 9-12 months ago.

The weekend itself was amazing - felt really close to her, and she was very affectionate, and I caught her looking at me with a happy face a few times on the drive home - so things look really positive.

However... I just feel really insecure (something I have struggled with in other relationships), and keep convincing myself she's going to change her mind. It's not helped by her saying that she wouldn't really mind if I was still dating other people (as long as I didn't sleep with them), although neither of us is. However she's reluctant to put a label on "us" even after 3-4 months.

She's also been busy with some stressful issues she's dealing with this week, so has avoided talking about if/when we'll meet next (we had originally mentioned doing something this weekend, but so far nothing is planned even though I've suggested it a couple of times - but don't want to keep pushing). Saying that, we've still been in touch every day, and the chat is still fun, with the occasional mention about "us" and stuff in the future.

She admits she runs at the first sign of pressure, so I've tried to be very laid back about things - however it's getting to the point where I'm wondering if I'm just wasting my time, or if I'm being too impatient. My previous relationships have all moved a lot faster - but maybe I'm being unrealistic to expect more at this stage.

She's also said that she is very direct, and if she didn't want to see me she would tell me outright. So my sensible head is saying I've got nothing to worry about and to just be patient. But my insecure side is saying it's all going pear shaped. Part of me wants to just be up front and ask her if she's still interested in seeing me - but that smacks of insecurity, so I'm reluctant to do that. But this is eating me up inside, and I'm feeling very anxious about the whole thing.

She already said she is interested. Dont make you insecurity her problem. Deal with it yourself properly.

14 weeks and you want commitment?! Back the fuck off.

What does “commitment” look like to you? It sounds like she communicates with you honestly, stays in touch every day, you see each other regularly, you spend lengthy periods of time together on occasions (weekend away) and there are tentative hints towards a shared future. After three months of dating, that sounds like plenty enough “commitment” to me. What more are you expecting? Don’t use your previous relationships moving more quickly as a yardstick: if they’d been so great and more committed they wouldn’t be previous relationships, would they?

Thanks both - that was exactly the virtual slap round the cheeks I needed. I am being daft and need to just take a step back, and not allow my insecurities to get the better of me.

I think part of my fear is that I really do like her, and worry about scaring her off - however it's a catch 22 situation, as if I project my worries onto her that's just going to make it more likely that she does run for the hills.

I see it a bit differently. I think the 14 week mark is where you wouls normally be feeling confident of seeing the person again, not fretting over whether you are or not.

It would also be the time to have the 'are we exclusive' chat, which you apparently have, and she's said she doesn't mind you dating others.

I'd take her at her word and date others, because there's 'taking things slow' and there's 'I'm just not that into you'.

Dating other people will also stop you being overinvested in this woman. You might even find someone you like better.

She sounds a bit hot and cold to me, and the whole thing seems too angsty for so soon.

I also think she’s not that keen. If someone is, you would know.

Do you have an anxious attachment style OP? (Have a google if you dont know what that means - you're looking for adult attachment theory).

She sounds avoidant, which, if you are anxious, means that your relationship with her is likely to be long and unhappy, especially for you. She will pull away and you will either chase or try very hard not to chase, and the game will continue for years and years. She may never feel like a true partner to you.

I have a secure attachment style and am able to have relationships with avoidant people because I dont experience pain/anxiety etc when they pull away and give fuck off signals. I just let them go, and then let them come back. I date others during this time if I feel like it as well.

Are you sure you want to feel this way for potentially years? It doesnt sound fun for you.

FWIW, my avoidant took a year to settle into a routine and trust me enough to start experimenting with intimacy. Again this was fine with me because I'm not anxious and dont usually have a goal in mind when it comes to relationships. Will you really be able to maintain your sanity for a year or two until she deigns to call you partner?

Relationships are meant to add to your life...

My avoidant started to show securely attached behaviour after a good couple of years and that is great, but I equally enjoyed the chillier, more distant version of him. Avoidant folk typically cannot attach to anxious people. The avoidant just feels under pressure, invaded all the time and will.come up with absolutely bizarre ways to maintain distance. The cost to the anxious partner is very high.

Thanks again for all your replies.

I've been thinking about what you've all said, and also why I feel as anxious as I do right now. I am usually quite independent and secure the majority of the time. My last relationship was long distance, and I actually enjoyed having my own space and time apart.

However, something I didn't mention in my OP is that I found out recently that my ex had been seeing someone else behind my back for at least a few months before we broke up, and while I'm pretty much completely over her this has knocked my confidence. I've also had a couple of bad dating experiences over the last 4-5 months where I've started to develop feelings for someone and they've ended up going back to an ex.

Funnily enough we have been chatting today about "us" based on a random conversation, and she refers to us as "dating" and also mentioning plans for the future so I feel a lot more secure. I just have to appreciate that she's got other stresses in her life that have to take priority at times and just accept that things will develop in their own time. She admits that she does get anxious/nervous about settling down as she's been hurt in the past, but it is what she wants so I need to bear with her.

Thinking about the conversation we had about dating other people - I think it was more that she didn't think I would be dating other people as things were going so well between us, rather than being happy if I was out with different women every night. She's said she's got no interest in dating anyone else at the moment, and I don't either.