Where to live

[JessUKUS]

Hi everyone. I live In the UK, with my 8 month old son and his Father lives in the US. He is adamant that we should go live in the US however my primary concern is the guns. I feel terrified at the thought of sending my child to a US schools when there are a number of mass shootings in educational facilities.

What do you all think? I do need outsiders view on this, without the emotion etc.

Thank you

People in the US have been brought up with guns so it's normal to them. I'd been concerned about guns too if I moved there. But saying that I would most likely move and give it a go.

Don't go. Why would you? Presumably your family, friends, support network, are here?

I'm wary of any man who is 'adamant'. Why should his word be law?

It's not the mass shootings, it's the everyday life, where you would be dependent on the father as your main contact.

Could you get work in the US? Would you be giving up your support network to move? If you do move and it doesn’t work out you might find yourself stuck there if DC father is adamant his child can't leave. The guns are worrying, but they're not the only big concern I'd have.

Depends where you've going to live, as in the UK and with knife crime I imagine there are pockets of USA where nothing bad is likely to happen

ps more likely to get run over by a car than shot IMO

You have lots more than that to think about.

Would you get a visa? Would it allow you to work? Would your child get a visa if he is not a US citizen.
health insurance, are you planning another child?

Work / life balance

Different education system if you were to come back with a teenage child that could be really disruptive.

Cost of college / uni - your child would not get any student loans if they wanted to go to an English uni (not sure about Scotland)

I would be worried you may regret it and won't be able to take your dc out of his country....

Why do you and he live in different countries?
Are you in a relationship?
Could you get work over there?
Do you want to leave friends and family?
Could you afford healthcare?
Can you afford to move?
Does he have a support network?

Thanks for the replies everyone.

To answer a few questions:

My son has both a UK and US passport.

We have been in a long distance relationship the whole time, his Mother got sick so remained there. Prior to getting pregnant, we had a visa application in however decided to withdraw it as I thought best to have my son here.

He earns $100k a year there, and would drop to around £35k here.

As for being stuck there, that has been a consideration and I have brought that up. I would hope for a written, legal agreement that my son would come back with me, if I ever needed to come back to the UK.

As for work, my qualification will likely get me work there yes.

we had a visa application in

For him to move to the UK, or you to move to the US?

I would hope for a written, legal agreement that my son would come back with me, if I ever needed to come back to the UK

Good fucking luck with that.

If you're in the UK now, DO NOT MOVE.

Not keen on 'adament' however at some stage if only for DC schooling it can be easier to pick somewhere to start..

you may have an agreement but it could be really difficult on your son to extricate him from his friends/schools once he builds his life there..

depending on where in the US $100,000 may not be a massive salary to support all of you covering everything.

Will you have rights to work - just because you hav eteh qualifications wil you be sponsored in your own right?

I wouldn't move anywhere I was completely dependent on someone else ... as teh worst case (or most likely as 2/3 relationships break down)
Its fine for him he's the one with teh job/right to stay - your position very different..and the consequeces for you/dc if the relationship breaks down are much worse

maybe an adult conversation rather than foot stamping looking at the risks and mitigation that can be done - and a plan ....rather than a leap with rose tinted glasses...

I don’t think a written agreement between two people can override federal law.

Thanks averythinline for a more rounded response.

Yeah, I think a more in-depth conversation is needed.

Thanks

I would hope for a written, legal agreement that my son would come back with me, if I ever needed to come back to the UK

I’m baffled by why you want to move if that’s the state of your relationship. Tbh, I’ll be surprised if you ever live together. The gun thing sounds like a complete excuse - just like someone refusing to move to the U.K. due to knife crime.

It was simply a response because people asked what would happen with regards to my son

I wouldn't move.

No free health care - who would be paying for that? Him?

Guns - I don't care what people say, there's constant shootings in the US (we have knife crime and gun crime, but I put that down to shitty areas, hence why I'm moving out of London).

Support network - none.

On the flip side, it could be a good opportunity for a fresh start. But the guns, the guns would freak me out. I would not bring my child up around that.

What are the gun crime rates where he lives?

Hi RLEOM. Thanks for your response.

As per previous poster, it isn't an excuse, it deeply concerns me the mass shootings in schools. It isn't even comparable to knife crime, you don't here of mass killings in schools with knives.

Gun crime is high, it is Houston, TX. They love guns in TX.

Thanks all for giving me things to consider

Does DP live in Texas?

Oh lol I misread your post
I wouldn't move to Texas.

No

No

No

No.

I would hope for a written, legal agreement that my son would come back with me, if I ever needed to come back to the UK.

It wouldn't hold water. Once your son is resident you would have one hell of a time trying to leave with him if your partner is equally 'adamant' that he shouldn't.

Do not do it.

You'll be stuck.

And yes the guns stuff would be a factor for me too! But not as much of a factor as the simple fact that your don't really want to go. You've got a life here, support, a home.

It's really hard to make a go of emigrating even when you are desperate to go and in love with the country. It's tough.

I could see you getting there, realising you've made a mistake, seeing your relationship up close too and thinking, no - but not being able to come back.

I mean- you don't even know whether your relationship will work longer term once you're together.

My first red line would be living together for a year or two in this country, where you have support as resident parent, and seeing how it goes.

I have a feeling - with someone who appears to already be trying to pressure you into emigrating - that it might not go that well once you get to see him up close.

So don't put yourself in a position where you might put him in power over you.

Just curious what is the most time you've spent in person with him?

Has he asked you to marry him?
How does he support the baby now?

I think it would be a better bet for him to move to you and DC, even just as a trial for a set amount of time (one to two years)

35k salary is not to be sneezed at and it would be easier for him to return home and establish himself if it did not work out than for you to go there and not have the support structure you have here, new job, new country and trying to settle DC away from everything they know.