What's needed to heal after infidelity

[ohfucksake]

I posted before.

I'm not interested in LTB - sorry.

So 2 months on from discovering that DP was grabbing the arse of another woman and asking her for sex happened to be his ex wife I'm still reeling. I have a young baby. It's dragged down my mental health and I'm off to see the Gp today.

Can any one offer me advice or advice for us as a couple?

I feel incredibly hurt. Angry and confused. Second best. Unwanted. Like he settled for me because I got pregnant (that's when it stopped, when he knew I was pregnant)

I want us to work. He says he doesn't know what to do to make it better and to tell hi and he will do any thing. But I just freeze and change the subject. Inwardly screaming.

It’s hard to give any advice if you have totally ruled out ending the relationship. By doing that you are basically saying he can do anything and you won’t walk. That sets a precedent for a pretty miserable marriage so my only advice I’m afraid is gear yourself up for more of the same from him.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you at such a vulnerable time. I’m just honestly not sure what to advise you if you’ve decided to stay put with the cheat.

Nothing he can do will make it better everything that you are feeling is because of him and what he did .
Only you can make things better by leaving or forgiving him , but it will never be the same as you know what he really thinks about you and your worth to him
Sorry to be blunt but it's true

If you wont leave him then work on building yourself up. Listen to audio books when you have young baby. So many great internet gurus!

I think the precise bit that needs to be worked on is the fact that you have point blank ruled out leaving. That seems to suggest that you have to figure out on yr own how to get over it.
That there is no line.
You have no minimum bar.

I only say that cos i see it was my problem once. Nobody should ever completely rule out leaving their H!

It should always be clear to the H ' i have to meet this minimum standard' or.. marriage over.

That should be the message!

You don't want to head it, but that's the answer.

Trust will never come back. You will put on a brave face for the outside world and probably stay so you don't appear to have made a mistake by staying. I'm almost 20 years on and it's no easier.

My advice to anyone at the start is to leave. You choose not to, that's fine. But in 20 years you'll be giving the same advice to naieve people who think they can get through it like me.

I should add - I haven't told him that it's not over. Just I've been divorced, I only have my other children half the time. I dint want to go through all that again.

I am sorry op. Shit experience. If you choose to stay that is of course your call, but I bet you will be back on here in a year talking about how it’s happened again...

He says he doesn't know what to do to make it better and to tell him and he will do any thing

Since you do not want to LTB you tell him that this is simply not good enough and he needs to get a fucking spine and tell YOU what HE is willing to do to make things right, that he needs to either actively engage in making this relationship work or fuck off.

Telling you to tell him what to do bounces all this back to you, even though it is a mess of his making, he had enough initiative to paw and proposition another woman he can use that same imitative to make things right with you.

Spoiler alert: He won't do anything because it is easier to whinge about it than actually do anything and whinging will make him feel he has been hard done by and the half arsed attempt at cheating is your fault, and the fact that you won't just shut up about it is also you fault. Lived it, got the t-shirt and donated it to a charity bag.

Does he have children with the ex wife?

Has he been open and honest and give you his excuses reasons for doing what he did?

There is nothing you can do, sorry. He's putting it on you to be fixing it. If he really did want to help the marriage to heal, he would know what to do.

It depends on your definition of 'heal'.
What does that work mean to you?

Word

Put your hands over your ears for approximately 2 years and block it our with wine.. then come back and tell us how it's gone. I won't tell you to leave the barstard but I will give you the harsh reality!

People cheat because they dont love their partners enough not to risk ruining their relationships and families . I personally, and the majority of others couldn't spend a lifetime knowing that they are not loved enough for a their partner.Only those who accept their relationships on those terms with a cheating spouse can make their relationships work.

I'll be getting divorced twice! Short term pain, long term gain. My STBXH had a range of unpleasant behaviours including shagging the ex (he had prepared the groundwork by telling me she was bitter and twisted and he'd never go near her again). These men are beneath contempt. You will make the right decision one day. When others tell you to LTB it can feel like someone else once again taking control of your relationship. You take control. And you will. One day at a time.

A time machine if it were me

Sorry that you are going through this OP, it is difficult and unfortunately won't get better unless you are able to forget and move on, I know from my own experience.
I agree with Zapatilism and a few others, if you stay in years to come you more than likely will wish you had left, I do.