She has fluctuating self confidence or of course it could be fake confidence at times.
Yes, self sabotage and self harm rings true.
At different points of her life she self harmed with whatever was accessible to her. Once she was old enough to access alcohol for example and then when that wasn't enough she progressed to more and other types. As a young child it was self harm with food and pinching herself or punching her legs. As a teen and young adult cutting, casual risky sex also featured for a period. She was convinced she had caught hiv because she is an awful person and deserved it but then would not stop risky behaviour. Would purposely sleep with those she thought high risk for hiv like drug users and homeless. At one point she thought she was a healer and had super powers. This was as a late teen early 20s. The examples in my op and the self harm continues though.
She does have control issues in that finds it stifling and fears being controlled but at the same time it is comforting, the structure and not having to think or decide so she can't make a mistake or if something goes wrongng it's someone else's fault because it wasn't her decision.
Yes, her family definitely saw gifts aa an opportunity to control and comply if you disagree you are being ungrateful and unworthy of any good gestures. If you refuse something they would withdraw any kindness, support, love. Would isolate you and talk about your ingratitude. So gifts definitely came with a price.
Deeply troubled, yes.
Lexie *
They were probably only rewarded when conditions were met and not loved unconditionally, hence the self sabotage, it is a form of rebellion, but is infact , self sabotaging.* i think this is it. She used to get attention and love when she brought back good results at school tests then because she excelled and it became normal her family stopped caring about it in her view.
During her uni she faced a lot more anxiety than everyone else it seemed around the deadline and wait for the results it was like her whole self worth as a person waa hanging in thr balance. She would leave things last minute for example so that she has an excuse if the marks are low rather than apply herself and be hurt by a low mark. It's almost as if her grades were how much or little love and worth she is entitled to. It's a pity because if she would get over this big trauma she could achieve so much more and more importantly be more at peace with herself. It's very sad.
She was in therapy for over a year of weekly sessions. She actually made some progress i will suggest going back.
Thank you for your insightful comments and I will look up the recommendation.