DP has never remembered any of our Anniversaries

[RiverRiver3]

Today is our 25th anniversary. I think that's one that should be celebrated, so last year I got DP to put it in his phone calendarso it wouldn't be just another day.

I'm feeling pretty down atm as I'm here at home while DP is away on a 2 night stay away, business trip that he arranged - he was able to choice which dates he was going to be away. He's be home around 10 pm tonight.

Last year after forgetting our 24th anniversary I was clear that it was really starting to get to me now, that he's never remembered an anniversary and I really stressed I'd love it if he made something special of our 25th year living together.

DP is usually good to get along with, is a good provider, and we like similar things. I've been a sahm since the kids came along as he worked long hours and traveled o/s with work I.T. industry (up to 2.5 months away /year). He changed jobs just over a year ago -he still has to travel away but not so long. But as public transport is so bad here I'm still at home as it would still mean the kids would have to leave over 2 hours early to get to school, so I've had to be here to drive them to school and back. We got two great kids (15 and 17 yrs old) but there's been some big down periods of our time together too.I'm sitting here atm thinking I really need to pull my head out from my ass.

In the past we've been to a marriage councilor and one of the things we talked about was this is a sore point for me. That DP is a DP not a DH, that we don't have a wedding anniversary, and why.
I think today's anniversary is really triggering me because DP went back on his promise to me.

Our kids were both planned (probably over planned! I had a day job but also did an early childhood course at night collage - 2 nights/week for 2 years) as I wasn't sure if I wanted kids and DP really wanted us to have a family. After we decided we would have kids together I wanted to get married before we started to try to get pregnant. DP was pushing to instead get married after a child was born. So we made a compromise and a promise that we would get married within the first half of my pregnancy. We live an Australia so married and defacto relationships are legally the same.

As it turned out DP's mum and dad were visiting from over seas, when we had an early ultrasound (blood test showed hormone levels weren't good) and we found out I had been carrying twins but one had died. When we got home I mentioned that we could fly my mum down (another state) as his parents would be going back home o/s, in several day, and we could quickly duck into the marriage registry. I went off to have a bath soon after as I was a little sad about the little one that died. DP came in soon after and said no about the wedding 'as it wasn't convenient' I had bursted into tears and just could get the words out 'but you promised' and I asked when was it convenient. I wasn't angry or loud I was just shocked and really sad. He replied in a year and a half's time, than he walked out of the bathroom......when I talked about all this to the marriage councilor she said to DP that that wasn't a good time to mention that and than she started writing it all down. DP meanwhile turned to me and said really quietly 'you probably weren't even pregnant with twins' but I don't really believe he had for gotten as he without prompting later mentioned to her that I was feeling guilty about loosing one of the small developing babies.

Sorry this probably is getting all confusing and long. I'm kind of feeling really unloved atm. I think I'm mentioning what happened at the marriage councilor's as I'm really feeling like he never wanted to get married and so knowing this day of 25 year of living together was important too me he doesn't feel the same.

I'd really appreciate if anyone could give their views on if I'm expecting too much and it's really just another day so I should just get on with it?

From your post I’m not really sure it’s the anniversary thing that’s the real issue here. Maybe more a symptom that the actual cause ?

I get the sense that you feel unloved / unappreciated generally and have not got over the fact he lied to you about wanting marriage and backtracked once you were pregnant and vulnerable. How come you never married when it was “convenient” to him ? I’d personally find that hard to forgive.

I’m personally not that fussed about my own wedding anniversary (DH is more bothered) but we do get cards. Although we’re not at 25 yet, I would imagine that’s s biggie and we’d do something more for a milestone one.

In your case I think you just want some acknowledgement that you are important to him and as you’ve already told him this is important to you, yes I’d be upset with him not making even a little bit of a fuss over it.

Hi Stephminx thanks :)

How come you never married when it was “convenient” to him ?
I suppose I just went along with what he wanted. And he kind of make it always clear he didn't care about getting married, so I didn't see the point later.
yes I’d be upset with him not making even a little bit of a fuss over it
Yeah, I think I feel even worse as he intentionally went away for it when at least usually he's at home.

It sounds like the kids are old enough that you could pack a bag and take a few days out? Let him come home to an empty house. You told him how much this matters and he didnt listen. Why should you be at home waiting here for you? Maybe come back when he’s booked a little wedding.

Hi timeisnotaline ! You have no idea how much you answer is what I feel like doing. I'd love to take off for a few days!! I have my mum staying for at least the weekend as I've been driving her arrange to look at units as she now getting serious to moving closer to dr's, hospitals etc. it's actually making it harder as she doesn't likes to take the focus off herself :( She did mention I look abit down and I told her about our anniversary ...she jumps too her ex husband (my dad) and does from there....

if you chose to specifically ask him to remember this year's anniversary and even went so far as "and mummy will put it in your calendar so you don't forget" and he has STILL chosen to do nothing, I'm not surprised you're upset! What a cock!

What is he like in general, outside of the "remembering dates that are important to you" sphere? Is he supportive when you're ill? Does he do his fair share of picking up after himself? Is he a caring parent to your DC?

Hello EvenMoreFuriousVexation :)
Is he supportive when you're ill? I've been lucky enough to not get too sick (since a kid). DD (2nd born) was an emergency C I was well enough to discharge the next day but asked to stay longer and told the nurse it was a great holiday!! :) But several months ago I did hurt my back and couldn't move, even in bed, for several days. DP did cook a night or two and once tried to massage it but that hurt way too much. My DD cooked a time or two for me until I was better enough that one of my DC only needed to tip kettle etc. The housework did pile up otherwise but getting food is the main thing :)

Does he do his fair share of picking up after himself? I'm a sahm so he only has to put his dirty clothes in the basket. But now he also irons his own work shirts - I started that a couple of years ago after he had to get to work extra early and woke me up to iron a new shirt. DP will cook about 1 / mth though and he's a good cook. Leaves lollies wrappers, dishes for me to put away after dinner.

Is he a caring parent to your DC? I did it all (spotless house, all night wakes etc) he changed a handfull of nappies over the years. DC missed him a lot when he went away for work and I asked so many times for a quick call to them or a head shot of himself while sitting on the toilet!!! but yeah if he was away for a week we'd hear from him maybe once or twice every week or so - as he 'was too busy" - that's still a sore point as DC were so sweet and missed him so much. He is gentle to them and doesn't shout or belittle so that's great,

Do you still want to marry him? Phone the registry office and book a date then when he gets home you can tell him about your lovely surprise anniversary present, and that you knew he'd be sooo busy with work you booked it so he didn't need to worry about getting you a present

Hi GiveHerHellFromUs Do you still want to marry him? No.. no I don't but it's more of a ' Godsss NO!' atm. Sometimes he does such inconsiderate hurtful things but I suppose my biggest grip is he is emotionally un-supportive and sometimes it feels like he's screwing with my head on purpose, trying to make me feel unloved but in subtle ways.

Just found this old post of mine.. it still feels this way
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3403724-DP-Not-sure-how-much-less-he-loves-me-than-himself?noti=1#82067709

If what you're describing is true, I'd advise you to get yourself some training etc, get yourself in a good position and start working. Then when you're ready, fuck him off.

Do you have a pension or any savings for yourself? Do you own the house with him?

With your DC teens it would be a time to get some training and get back into the workforce full time.

I like the idea of booking the registry and then just bring him there and get on with it.Book a nice room at a B&B for after the marriage. At least you'll be protected if something happens to him.

Oh bless you I've just read that last post.
He sounds awful. Hiding things from you, not letting you know your friends want to make contact.

Your PP reads like you're only staying for the easy life money and DC-wise. Is that the case?

Hi category12 and RantyAnty thank you both for your replies
Do you have a pension or any savings for yourself? Do you own the house with him? We have a shared account and own the house together. As we live in Au. de-facto relationships have the same legal rights

GiveHerHellFromUs I really appreciated you replying again. Sometimes I feel I'm I being over sensitive?, over reacting in how I feel? so it feels good to know that at least sometimes I'm not

Your PP reads like you're only staying for the easy life money and DC-wise. Is that the case?
If we didn't have children I would of left by now, especially during a long period (think years) we had. DP now admits he had disconnected. I was really lonely in our partnership.
If I left now I'd be plunging our DC into poverty on my side as I would only be able to be able to get a minimum paid job (but I think I would be able to get a small house in the suburbs after settlement) Both our DC don't like change at all. And I know my son especially wouldn't take it well. My youngest (DD) will most likely have to go away in 2 years for Uni for what she wants to study. I don't want to do anything that would also impact of their grades. So this would be the best time for them.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. It sounds like this passive aggressive individual really only wanted someone here to look after him. No wonder you feel unloved; its because you are, you have put yourself last here in this family and you are not valued by your own self or your partner.

Staying for the children was and remains no reason to stay with such a man either. You have also stated you would have left by now if you did not have kids by him. They are not the glue and should not be used as glue either to bind you and he together. One day both these young people will leave home; what then for you and this man?.

What do you want to teach these children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to have a relationship like yours, no probably not. Its not actually good enough for you either.

You reside in a part of Australia where de facto relationships are recognised; have you ever sought legal advice as to where you would stand legally if you were to separate from him?.

When he arrives at 10pm if he has forgotten about your anniversary, what are you going to say/ do ?

When your DH is home what do you do together ?

Ref your children, I had a part time job at 16 & my parents didn't transport me around anywhere. I was also at college

What's stopping you from working ?

What interests/hobbies do you have for yourself ?

You never know, he may come home this evening and surprise you with a massive bunch of flowers and a lovely anniversary gift.

#optimistic

I've been married 30 years , I have never remembered our anniversary. I'm terrible at dates. It's just a date on a calender don't see what there is to get worked up about (unless their are deeper issues )

@maddy68 that's great for you but OP feels differently

DP meanwhile turned to me and said really quietly 'you probably weren't even pregnant with twins' but I don't really believe he had for gotten as he without prompting later mentioned to her that I was feeling guilty about loosing one of the small developing babies.

That right there is why you should dump this abusive lying twat. That is fucking disgusting.

He either actually forgot that one of his children died, or decided to try and make you out to be a liar, like you had made up the fact one of your kids died. I've no idea how you restrained yourself, I'd have slapped the despicable bastard for that.

While he is gone change the locks on the doors and throw all of his shit into the street, or the river if one is close by. He doesn't care about you, or his kids, or anyone. Only himself and his image. You aren't important to him and he will never marry you. You deserve far better than him.

You have been put in your place. You have been told.

There is no other way to interpret his actions over this anniversary.

I can see why you don't want to break up now. 2-3 year plan: build your independence, get trained for something, get into work, build savings, detach from his mind games. In short, start building the foundations of your new life now ready to leap into it at the right time.

My god why would you accept this abusive behavior from that shithead? Leave him

Since you want to wait for your dc to go to uni, I suggest you really focus on that plan, and get yourself match-fit for the workplace so you're not doomed to minimum wage jobs. Volunteer, train, study, get work experience. Sort out your exit plan. Build up a social network that's independent of him. It'll help make it more bearable while you wait, and if you need to make the jump early, you'll be prepared.

Have you thought that maybe he's just a wanker?

Why don't you make a fuss at 10pm tonight saying it's your anniversary

I personally wouldn't celebrate something like that unless I was married to them.

Did he remember the 25 year anniversary ?

What have you done to celebrate ?