Is he an alcoholic?

[SerenavanderWoodson]

Just looking for advice really, as the title suggests. DH drinks every night and has done for as long as I can remember. The only exception being when he has a terrible hangover from a big night out, or a few brief ‘health kicks’ where he will tell everyone he can that he’s given up drinking in the week/drinking certain alcohol/drinking at home - the rules very quickly change and the phase never lasts more than a few days - there’s always an excuse.
Most days he just drinks 2-3 beers, but then at the weekend can drink all day and night long, so combined I feel this is too much, but I don’t know if I’m being paranoid? My main concern is the inability to even have a night off from drinking anything.
To avoid drip feeding, when he is in a bad mood he will drink a lot more, and often storms out of the house to go drink over petty disagreements. We have a young baby, and I’m growing tired of staying at home every night while he disappears off to drink without any idea when he’s coming home.
Does this sound like alcoholic behaviour, or just normal drinking?

None of it sounds normal or pleasant. This should really be a special time for you and your baby. Without the overgrown toddler being a drunken arse around you both.

Does your DH work during the week? If so, does he need to drive during the week? It sounds like he's trying to drink moderately during the week to keep his job/driving licence, but lives for the weekend when he can drink non stop. My father was like this, until he retired, then gradually the drink took over until he was a fully fledged alcoholic, drinking a bottle of whisky a day, plus beers.

Also, the fact that he tries to reduce/stop his alcohol intake but can never stick it out for more than a few days is very revealing. I believe he is an alcoholic, or well on the road to being one. It is miserable to live with an alcoholic, and must be really difficult with a young baby to care for. Your life will be hard if you leave him, but I think it will be much harder if you stay with him.

This is problematic drinking.

It sounds unhealthy yes but isn’t being an alcoholic something the person themselves have to acknowledge?
Yes it sounds like he has a problem.

It certainty isn't normal. However a normal person with a drink habit could give it up or reduce it. When challenged, an alcoholic would be more secretive about their drinking. Have you ever tried to talk to him about how much he drinks. If so what has he said?

Thank you for all of your replies. He does work but doesn’t need to drive for work. The nature of his work means he can often drink there too, so I’m not always completely sure how much he has had.
I’ve brought it up on several occasions over the years, and he denies he has a problem and it causes a huge argument. His parents have also tried to speak to him after a particularly bad drinking session, and again he just denied it and became more secretive.

He dinks every night and manufactures arguments so he has an excuse to disappear to drink,

It sounds like you know his drinking is problematic but was hoping that he would change. Unsurprisingly, not only has becoming a father not changed him but it’s become just another excuse in his arsenal of excuses to drink.

This is who he is and he won’t change unless he wants to. For your child’s sake, you need to accept that this is who he is and make decisions that are in you and your child’s best interests and making excuses and concessions for an alcohol abuser isn’t compatible with that.

As the child of an alcoholic I beg you for your child's sake if not your own leave him now.

I'd bet good money he's drinking more than you know of, he's addicted and possibly even drink driving (you say he doesn't drive FOR work but does he drive to and FROM work?)

Does he ever drive your child? Chances are he's over limit.

The comments about temper are deeply worrying too.

This is a post my mother could have made almost 50 years ago, my father went on to be an abusive (in every way), violent drunk. Only stopping when the physical ailments it caused prevented him from accessing alcohol any more.

My childhood was spent treading on eggshells, feeling physically sick when we heard his key in the door, hiding in bedrooms as we couldn't predict his mood, not daring to put a step out of order for fear of the repercussions not only for us but for mum.

Get out now.

He certainly has a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol and that is deeply worrying. The fact that he gets so defensive when you bring up the subject of drinking is a red flag. As a first step I would suggest you seek help for yourself from Al-Anon or a similar group - they will allow you to clarify how you feel and where your boundaries are .
I will say this: it isn't looking good. My husband was like your OH. When life's punches hit, alcohol was what he turned to. He ended up a full blown alcoholic. It cost him everything including his life. My DDs and I are still working to recover from it all nearly 2 years on. I wish I had acted earlier. If that is the road you are on, get out. Be ready.

There are different levels of problem drinking. This sounds pretty bad, like he's at risk of becoming physically dependent on alcohol. And of course, you/we can't be sure how much he's drinking- it's bound to be more than we know.

He's already psychologically dependent on alcohol to relax etc. :(

'We have a young baby, and I’m growing tired of staying at home every night while he disappears off to drink without any idea when he’s coming home.
Does this sound like alcoholic behaviour, or just normal drinking?'

This is bad. :( No, of course it's not normal. Why can't he tell you when he's coming home, for a start? And he's out drinking every night? That's ridiculous with a young baby. The baby will barely know his face, or at least will only know his pissed weekend face :( xxx

He is an alcoholic.
Do this questionnaire as if him answering and see what it says.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/selfassessment/

Then consider the info bearing in mind he may be drinking more than you know.
My Dh is/was an alcoholic- has done AA and hasn't had a drink for years now. At his worst he drank much less than yours. Never drank every day...

Does he ever show any glimmer of recognition that his drinking is problematic? If so, there may be hope but only if he is willing to do the work to address the situation.
If he is determined to carry on as he is, I would suggest having a good think about your options for the future.
Good luck!

He is an alcoholic.
He’s not willing to admit this let alone make any changes.
Your only choice is what to do. I couldn’t live with him.
Have you considered Al Anon OP?

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I’m sorry for taking so long to reply back - it’s been a long day at work.
I’m afraid I don’t know how to tag people, but I really do appreciate your responses. To clarify, he doesn’t drive at all, we live in a city so no need to, so drinking and driving isn’t a concern, but I can of course see why that would have been mentioned.
My parents went through a horrible divorce when I was young, and I’ve been trying so hard to protect my DS from that. It is a huge worry to me that soon he will be old enough to be aware that this isn’t normal, and I want to protect him.
Problematic drinking is a good description. There have been points where he has recognised it might not be normal, but it only lasts a day or two, and then he slowly reverts back. I feel he does know but is in denial.
I feel I’ve been exaggerating the situation in my head as he always denies it, but seeing your responses have really helped me clarify that this is not normal.

It really isn’t normal. I’m so sorry.
I haven’t been but Al Anon could be helpful. As the child of an alcoholic I would rather have separated parents than live through what I did.

He is abusing alcohol. He clearly has an emotional dependency, if not strictly physical - at this point.

I was that way, once. I no longer drink, because I was an alcoholic. It got a hell of lot worse before I hit rock bottom and went to rehab.

• I am an alcoholic. I'm just a sober one now.