Did find couples therapy helpful ot detrimental to your relationship?

[BanoffeePi]

JJust that really.
After 5 years of marriage feels like me and DH have hit a brick wall. So wondering if therapy will help? What was your experience?

Parts were very helpful. They pointed out that there was a lot of assumptions on both sides and not enough communication to know. We were given homework to get into the habit of making specific time to sit down to talk. It was quite sad to realise just how shit we'd become, just superficial chitchat and issues never being given time which in turn was affecting intimacy, when we met we could talk for hours & fairly openly.
We were given exercises so could see each others viewpoint on various topics. It helped having the counselor to question further and make sure we both got to talk/keep civil.
I actually think it would be more useful earlier into a relationship and not in response to a crisis which is usually the case.

The downsides was it was after infidelity & I felt I didn't really get heard or the help to move on that I was looking to get out of it. The counselor tended to focus on my cheating DP and while yes it did raise difficult past stuff that may have lead down that path, did feel to me like "poor you".

I had realised by this point that DP's default is to get upset & cry to bring sympathy as its hard to kick a sad puppy, so my anger over situation had really been acknowledged by him behaving as an adult. I felt manipulated into my default of rescuing & making all OK.

I think a lot depends on the counselor's skills and whether you gel with them. I didn't like the first so quit after few sessions & second I felt wasn't as fair to both parties, at one point I actually felt attacked by her questions & wanted to leave.

I was already seeing a different counselor alone which helped process my feelings about infidelity better as felt they always looked after me.

Very helpful. Only went the once. Realised i had to leave. The entire session seemed to be the councillor saying "no I was interested in midges opinion", "perhaps midge could answer for herself" etc was strange to have ones own opinions valued. He didn't get it

Unhelpful.
Brought out all the things which would have been better left unsaid. Caused a lot of pain.
End result no different to if we'd not gone but caused a lot of upheaval for about six months.

Brought out all the things which would have been better left unsaid.

Saying them was probably not the problem, not saying them without a huge fallout was.

How many sessions roughly did you guys go for ? My husband has been ( I wanted him to go, to talk over stuff from childhood) and he keeps saying that the counselor needs to speak to me. I said I will go but after he has gone a few times on his own first. Is this unreasonable ? Also , he has had one session so far, and he spoke they listened , but didn't say anything ( didn't give him any homework or any response at all , is this usual ? ). Sorry to jump on your thread, but I am interested to hear others experience x

Sorry, to add it was Relate , which as I understand, you can go to , if in a relationship or not.

I have previously done some volunteer work as a student for somewhere that had opportunities for couples therapy and i they said some stuff that really changed my view of what it would be. Apologies if this is all well known

Firstly they said that their aim isnt to keep the couple together but rather to give the couple space to talk about what they need etc. So if you go and leave the relationship you havent "failed" but that it might be a success if you've realised the relationship wouldnt work for you anymore.

Equally that its not about blame and parties have to want to go foward together. So for example i see lots of recommendations for couples therapy on here when both parties clearly have had enough eg after infidelity. The therapist shouldnt just be blaming one party for causing the issues but rather working a way to move foward. This can feel really unfair if you are the "wronged" party. They cant act as a judge to say where the fault lies.

They often saw people separately at some point, and theres lots of times when simply having a space to talk without disruptions can be helpful. A good therapist should work on a way to let you both feel heard which can break cycles of communication (eg as someone said if one partner talks over, or cries or you both end up normally storming out).

In an abusive relationship it can leave you at more risk

I have watched 2 friends go through it, one it seems to have made a signficant difference. I think the other needed the therapist to give them permission to leave or was hoping that somehow her dp would change (when he already knew the issues but didnt care enough to change).

I'd be interested in knowing more too. We are about to start seeing a relate counseller

Depends what type. Have a look at emotionally focused therapy by Sue Johnson. I did not find relate counselling helpful.

My ex and I went to relate.

After the single sessions where she saw us independently and then one joint session she contacted me with numbers for women's aid, said she was referring this to her mentor for guidance as she felt uncomfortable in my husbands presence and told me she was worried for my safety

We are now divorced.

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences ladies, I didn't know about Relate (tbh I wouldn't even know where to begin, I just feel we've got to a point where we need external help now)
Also just realised the amount of typos in the title

Saying them was probably not the problem, not saying them without a huge fallout was.

Respectfully I disagree. There wasn't a huge 'fallout' as such.... just distress which would have been avoided if things had been left unsaid. There is now a much larger barrier of hurt to overcome which wasn't there before.