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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the end of my relationship

21 replies

Daisy12Maisie · 11/12/2019 22:58

Asking for advice as previously only been in abusive relationships so normal is hard to judge...
Just over a year ago I met a man who was lovely to me. He came over whenever he didnt have his child. There was no structure to this as his childs mother is an alcoholic so everything is chaotic. Fine that he steps up and has their son when needed. He is 14 and lives with dad 55 mum 45.
The issue is that the last few months when he doesnt have his son he is playing football/ pool/ out with friends and comes over much less.
Tonight I text him and said can we chat later? Meaning general chat on the phone. He said yes. I said I'm free all evening apart from 9 when I'm collecting my child from a hobby. I rang him but he couldn't answer as he was in tescos. He rang me at 10 to 9 then his son kept interrupting the conversation then I had to leave!
I've told him I'm no longer happy with our relationship. I love him but dont feel like it's a proper relationship because we dont spend enough time together.
He said he is happy and we see each other when he doesnt have his child.
That used to be the case but isnt any more as he is always busy.
I do go and stay at his every other weekend when my child is with his dad but I work during the day so we only see each other in the evenings. He has said numerous times he has the best of both worlds as he sees.me but goes out with his friends a lot as well.
I've said I feel like I am never a priority. He is asleep now I think. We are in separate houses so I cant discuss it any further.
Am I being a mug? I'm not sure if I am just so grateful that he isn't abusive I'm putting up with not seeing him much, which I'm not happy with or so people think this is fine and I'm being needy?
I think if the only night he doesnt have his son he has football then maybe occasionally he should give football a miss and come and see me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2019 23:05

If his ex is an alcoholic and so chaotic why doesn’t he have his son full time?

But as to what you asked, it sounds like you want different things and that’s okay but it’s not going to make you happy and you’re already having doubts. There’s no amount of miserable you have to be to end a relationship. If you’re not feeling valued, whatever the reason, then walk away. This isn’t about him being a parent before anyone barrels in saying the usual “he’s putting his child first, expect nothing else”, it’s about his priorities in general and they’re not working for you.

jtr22 · 11/12/2019 23:09

Debt advice - so in a pickle due to supporting husband whilst setting up a self employed business. Have set up a DMP. Which now means that I have a bad credit score. But I'm now panicking as we rent if suddenly my landlord wants us out can you rent with a dmp and bad credit score. Anyone with experience or advice x

jtr22 · 11/12/2019 23:10

Wrong thread x

Original poster
Daisy12Maisie · 11/12/2019 23:10

Thanks thats helpful. I have suggested numerous times that his son lives with him and could see his mum at weekends (during the day when she is sober) but he wont do it. He would be so much better off living with dad.
Yes you are right. If I am not happy I should end it. It is difficult as he is lovely but the situation isn't.
Also his son being priority I agree with. I think that after that his next priority should be spending time with me then hobbies. If it's his son, then hobbies then me I dont think he is spending enough time with me to sustain a relationship.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 11/12/2019 23:12

jtr22 start your own thread.

OP it doesn't sound as if he's in the right place for the type of relationship you want.

HamAndPineapple · 11/12/2019 23:16

Is it possible that the boy's mum is not as bad as he portrays? I mean, maybe she's fond of a drrrrop, but just putting it out there, maybe she isn't really an alcoholic. It's kind of convenient, he can drop whatever he's arranged with you for a crisis that he's laid the ground work to.
I might be too cynical.

I think the relationship is over if you don't feel it's worth it. It' s making you feel low on a long list of other priorities and he may or may not be exaggerating his other responsibilities but if it's not working for you, then it's not working for you. Wine

BlackSwanGreen · 11/12/2019 23:17

I don’t think you’re being a mug exactly. It may be just that you want different things from the relationship. This kind of arrangement can work well for some people who don’t want to get too serious, but if you’re not happy and want more from him then he may not be the man for you.

Original poster
Daisy12Maisie · 11/12/2019 23:29

Thanks for the advice.
Hmm yes maybe the chaotic lifestyle does suit him. Its just a shame as it worked initially but now he is making less and less effort. The 3 nights a week suited me and now I feel like I may as well be single.
I'll see what he comes back with tomorrow if anything.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/12/2019 07:04

Do you have any hobbies of your own?
It's difficult because you can't expect a man whose been single for a while to completely change his life for you, but you should also feel important to him.

Survivor37years · 12/12/2019 10:39

37 year relationship came to a final end on 1st Oct. What i have learned is that if it doesn't feel right now it never will. I reflect back to the early days and i overlooked, ignored, believed, whatever it was that didn't feel right. I thought this was the mature way to have a relationship. That give and take would equal mature respect. Nope nope nope if its the wrong person they rejoice in finding their personal doormat.
If it doesn't make you feel good at this stage IT NEVER WILL.
You show you have great tolerance and empathy find the person who respects this. That person is out there for you.

Spritesobright · 12/12/2019 11:02

It is more difficult to date when children are involved but if you're both invested and talk about it, then it's definitely doable.
My boyfriend and I both have children and were struggling a bit to see each other after his access arrangements with his DC changed.
So now what we've done is schedule our own access arrangement (with each other).
He comes over 1*week when I don't have my DC and then every other weekend we basically spend the whole weekend together.
We both have hobbies but we manage to fit those in elsewhere.
Could you do something similar with your partner where you arrange to see each other a set day every week?

Original poster
Daisy12Maisie · 12/12/2019 17:27

To answer a few of the questions.
I do yoga with a friend on a tueaday evening but its pay as you go so if its the only night I can see him then I dont go to yoga. My friend is the same only comes along when she can. Ive got lots of friends I see but usually early evening meet for dinner etc so I would then be home by 8ish and he wouldn't come over before that anyway.
It's not boredom, I've got lots to do its wanting a bf/partner.
I agree I cant expect him to drop everything and I dont but i am literally last on his list and he will cancel if anything else comes up. He has about 5 weekend breaks planned this year going forward and none of them involve me. I think the issue is he was in a 20 year relationship, split up 18 months before I met him so he wants to be kind of single but have me in the background. I understand that but I have been in a couple of violent relationships, was then too worried to be with anyone for quite a long time and I am now wanting a relationship where I actually have some company and I can see them regularly.
I would love a date night once a week but he wont commit to that as he never knows what nights he will be having his son.
He has said he is happy with how things are but that is because it's all on his terms and we see each other when he wants.
I think I know the answer but just wanted to be told i wasnt being completely ridiculous ending it with someone who is essentially a nice person just because the arrangement doesnt suit me but if it makes me unhappy it makes me unhappy...

OP posts:
Spritesobright · 12/12/2019 21:03

That makes a lot of sense. I think the key point in your last post is that you feel last on his list.
That's not right.
There's a difference between respecting someone's commitments and interests outside the relationship and not feeling like they value you.
It sounds like he's asking you to be on standby while he does what he wants and that's not what you need/want.

Original poster
Daisy12Maisie · 12/12/2019 21:22

Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it.

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 12/12/2019 21:33

Is there no sign of you meeting each other's children? If its been over a year then I would have thought it would have come up.

Survivor37years · 13/12/2019 01:49

You sre being manipulated. I am afraid for you. He seems he wants a friend with benefits.
If you have been in abusive relationships previously then please stsnd back and look in. You want more. Thats right for you. Is this man right. I don't think so.
Firstly were you live bombed if so the next stage is the devalue. This trauma bonds you. Then they destroy you with the discard.
Sd the hobbies. Sd the kids. If he wants to be with you you would be squeezed in. I fear for you truly amd deeply. You are worth so much more. Real live finds a way. Manipulation and coercion is only their way. Make the decision to value yourself highly and others will too. Just not this man who possibly is on NPD spectrum.

Survivor37years · 13/12/2019 01:50

Sorry live should read love.

Newmumma83 · 13/12/2019 01:54

It’s not fair to be last on someone’s list, just because he doesn’t abuse you doesn’t mean he his enough for you

Absolutely see what he says but he may not want the level of commitment that is right for you. And in that case it’s fine to shake hands and part romantically

Monty27 · 13/12/2019 02:16

Tell him he's not enough for you.

purplelemonorange · 13/12/2019 02:56

It's not really a relationship is it. It's just seeing each other casually if and when it suits him. You'll meet someone else op.
If he doesn't want to change his single life as someone upthread said, then he shouldn't have (or pretend to) a relationship. Pretty simple.

plumbabe · 13/12/2019 04:44

You’re basically just there for sex. He’s got the best of all worlds (like he said) so why should he want to change. You’re not getting your needs met though so end it and find somebody who does want to be with you

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