Midlife(?) Crisis. Advice.

[FoxyGrey]

I'm fairly certain my DP (30) is going through some sort of internal crisis. Earlier this year I had a brush with death that has set me back. I was waiting til DC2 starts school next year to get back into the workforce as I've been a SAHP for our DCs for most of our relationship. DP suddenly left me, said it was over and that they don't want to work on our marriage or fix our problems. When I asked them to talk to me they became abusive and said some vile and hurtful things about me as their reason for leaving. Then refused to talk to me, left the family home only to come back 2 days later and say that we are separated and that they want a divorce.

Since then they have made arrangements to move out and almost all conversations have been strictly about DCs and practicalities, with the exception of a couple of brief conversations about family and friends.

All the signs of a midlife crisis are there, changes in weight and appearance, new friends, spending hours online, unsatisfied with work, being unhappy but not knowing why etc. Their reason for leaving has changed to being that we've hurt each other. To me hurt is something that you can work through together but they have no interest in this.

I don't know what's going on in DPs mind so I can't understand and although I desperately want to help them find what they are looking for they have pushed me away and shut down.

I've decided that since we are sharing care of DCs I will use my free time to get a head start on improving myself and getting back on my feet but what do I do with my DP in the meantime? Do I attempt to talk to them and risk pushing them further away? Do I focus on myself, let them get on with it and wait for them to come to their senses? Do I just let go? Do I hope they find their way back to me? Right now I'm just playing it by ear but I wish they would reach out to me, they go from looking and sounding cheery to seeming totally miserable. 10 feet away feels like the other side of the world.

Where do I go from here?

He’s 30 it’s not a midlife crisis. They’re also signs of an affair

Them? Is your DP gender fluid? Are there bigger MH issues underlying if thats the case?

Serious question

DP not gender fluid. Neither are my DC or myself. I know OH frequents MN so I'm attempting to keep it as neutral as possible
Serious answer; MH has been an issue for DP multiple times in the past, they stopped their medication without seeing the doctor every time. Also did not address their underlying issues. MH was an issue for me after my brush with death, I got therapy and I've come out of it a far better person than I was.

Affair is possible but unlikely given that DP works with my friends and family, spends free time with me, close mutual friends, DCs, and MIL, DP also keeps me in the loop about all their comings and goings (even after separation and is also interested in my new activities), sex life was amazing and hadn't changed until day of separation, and given all we've been through an affair wouldn't be the end of the relationship for me, if only they would open up.

Firstly, you need to change dp to EXdp. The denial that it is over by still calling them dp is not going to help. And stop looking for reasons and excuses. It doesn't matter if it's mh, midlife crisis, affair or a reaction to your brush with death. They seem adamant it's over. You need to grasp that new reality and plan ahead with it.

It seems cruel of them that they made this decision and then continue to enmesh you in their lives. No empathy for you pain and confusion as they carry on with relative normality. Still expecting you to be there with just relationship status changed and lack of sex.

Were you both young when you got together? If you both spent your 20s together and raising kids, it sounds less like a mid-life crisis (which needs at least another decade) and more like they regret settling down too soon and want to start over. Which is no less awful of course but at least they're being certain and drawing a clear line, not wrecking your head with ambiguity. And you can start over and have a whole new life ahead of you instead of wasting it on the wrong person. As I say, it's still devastating for you but I agree with PP about changing mindset to ex, and you're right to use the time to focus on yourself and what you want for the future.

Been together since mid 20s, married 2 years. ExDP left before during a crisis brought on by their exP being convicted of a sex crime, it utterly destroyed my exDPs MH as they have a DC together who I've since taken on as my own. I let go back then and, they got help and came back and we started over.

I've accepted that they're going, they will be leaving in the next couple of days. I've got a headstart on the life goals I've put on hold for exDP and DCs, and I've started getting myself right for my DCs sake.

I hopefully find out today if I can go straight to a Master's degree or if I have the joy of starting again from scratch. Either way I'm going to make new friends and enjoy my life.

I'm reconnecting with old friends and family, and feeling pretty good about the future.

“New friends” “spending hours online” “change in weight and appearance” ??
Sounds like an affair to me.

The signs of affair and personal crisis are very similar and the 2 go hand in hand. I'm generally not a jealous or insecure person so it's not something I worry about. Doesn't matter if it's an affair or not because it's over. Besides, potential romantic partners aren't exactly in short supply for me, I'm used to being asked out fairly regularly, it honestly gets embarrassing. Since the split I've already been asked out and politely declined.

Sounds like someone having a mental health crisis to me. This is just based on personal experience because I am a similar age, and have recently done all of the above and slightly worse due to ignoring a decline in my mental health.

I'm not reading much concern from your posts however, you sound more interested about your own thoughts and feelings rather than theirs so maybe it's good you've broken up. I dont see what you having hundreds of other suitors has to do with anything, for example, but congrats on that I guess.

I have tried and tried and tried to help, I have been there for them as a shoulder to cry on, for them to vent their frustrations to, I've offered support and recommended counsellors, I've supported exDP when they called one afternoon to say they had walked out of their job on a whim. I was concerned, for a long time, but I know it's time for me to take a step back. There is only so much you can do for someone who shuts you out and doesn't want help, and sooner or later you have to let them figure it out on their own. That's where I'm at now, exDP has said it's over and I have to respect and accept that, and I have to do what's best for my DCs and myself. If I seem unconcerned with exDPs thoughts and feelings it's because I have no idea what they're actually thinking or feeling, they won't even speak to me. If exDP does choose to open up then I will be here for them. Regardless, I hope they find what they're looking for, I really do.

The bit about the suitors was childish, I admit, and I apologise, it comes from a place of hurt and being told I'm not good enough. If I keep telling myself I'm good enough I'll believe it. Wow, okay. I am more insecure than I realised
Thank you for helping me realise that.

What helped you PolPotNoodle? Is there anything I can do?

I originally posted to ask where I go from here and the general consensus so far is to accept that it is over and let go. It's really difficult to let go of someone you love and care for deeply, but sometimes it's the right thing to do.