My partner would like more children, but I would not

[user1337]

Hello,

My partner and I have three children between us, two with her ex partner and one with my ex partner. This means we have some time over a two week period that’s time for ourselves currently.

My partner and I met about two years ago and at the time I said I was happy having more children as did my partner, however after a couple of months I came to the conclusion that I was happy with how things were and I didn’t want to change that. I felt bad about this change of heart, but we talked about it.

I’ve been clear from that point on that I’m happy with how things are, however my partner clearly isn’t, as we find the topic of more children keeps coming up. My partner says she wants to have more children with me so we can share the experience together. My partner has also expressed that she feels like I’ve chosen myself over her by not wanting to have more.

I have said many times to my partner that I don’t want her to feel like she’ll regret this later and that if she does want this, maybe we’re not right together, but she continues to say she’s happy with me.

I’m confused and I don’t know what we can do to improve things. Any advice is appreciated!

If you’re having sex make sure you respect that choice and take precautions. I personally find this need to have a baby to share the experience rather ridiculous.

There are 7.5 billion people in the world, maybe give it a rest.

If you’re sure you’re done having children, get a vasectomy. Until then use condoms every single time.

FWIW I think you’ve enough children between you. You’re not married, you’re a blended family. It’s enough.

She's already got 2?! Point her at some David Attenborough and tell her to piss off.

Why did you change your mind? Or did you never really want more and just said what you thought she'd like to hear?

It sounds like you’re sure about what you want and you have been very honest with her. I can’t understand her reasoning if I’m honest. 3 kids is surely enough for anyone. You are also in the enviable position that you have time for yourselves as a couple which is invaluable. Why she would want to do away with that I have no idea.

It’s a good question why I changed my mind. I thought I’d like more children early on, but when we settled and I discovered 3 children 3-7 was hard work, I realised for me it was enough. Is that reasonable?

I think it is. I’ve certainly changed my mind about wanting more children as mine have grown. I used to want another. Now I’m very happy that I’m getting sight of some level of freedom now their both (almost) in secondary school. The thought of having to carry on doing nursery and school run for another 9 years horrifies me.

YANBU to change your mind and not want any more children.

Make sure you manage your own reproductive health by using condoms every time and consider a vasectomy.

You have to both want a child.
Don't be manipulated.
You have children and you share that experience. Does she think having your 'own' is going to be 'different'? Does she see this as more special somehow?
Would she feel comfortable having another if she knew this wasn't what you really wanted? If so, that's very selfish.

Yanbu to change your mind and yanbu to Express your wants to her.
I would take control of contraception though so you know any accidents are genuine.

Defo use condoms every time. You have only known each other two years. It’s not that long. To quote her - You’ve “chosen” phrase, it’s not that you’ve chosen yourself over her, it’s your relationship with her ie the two of you being together, you have chosen over sharing her with a squalling child. You aren’t being selfish any more than she is being selfish trying to impose her wishes on you while manipulating and guilt tripping you to get what she wants.

What makes her wants any more important than yours?

If it’s a deal breaker you can always walk.

Don’t trust The Pill or anything she is on as I have a fairly good idea it will “unexpectedly” not work and you will be a dad whether you want to be or not. Condoms are a safer bet. Abstinence is safer stil lol!

Our deal was that it took two yes's to make a child, and one no to not do so.

Both partners have to be on-board as parents. And then there's the economics.

My partner has also expressed that she feels like I’ve chosen myself over her by not wanting to have more.

Well yes, why would or should you choose her over yourself? she isn’t the most important person in your relationship. You’re equally important. this isn’t a case of her needing help with something and you refusing to give it.

Thank you all for giving me a balanced view of this. I’ve been feeling like the unreasonable one and wrong for changing my mind, and giving a false impression to begin with.

Everyone’s allowed to change their mind and the other person should respect it.
If not having children for her is a dealbreaker then that’s that.
Or perhaps give it a couple more years and then settle down and discuss have babies. If she’s agreeable to considering that. I’d be married first if it was me but that’s my choice. Not everyone wants that.