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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you think

30 replies

greecedig · 11/12/2019 18:51

Need some advice ....
engaged... I rent, partner has 18 yr old in a owned house , he's got an apprenticeship... 18 yr has come into 100k due to a court thing .. long storey.
18 year old lives in 'their home' partner lives with me practically and contributes 200 off my rent each month and half the food bill each week.
I'm I out of order to think I'm paying the costs of here ... gas etc... he pays bills at his home and son living the dream with this £ pays no rent!! Or do I see if it chAnges soon , only just got the money...

OP posts:
category12 · 11/12/2019 18:59

The son's money is none of your business. Whether he pays board to his dad is also none of your business.

If you're not happy with the contributions your boyfriend is making to your household, then either don't have him stay as much or ask for more.

Original poster
greecedig · 11/12/2019 19:05

Yes absolute fair point thank you

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/12/2019 09:09

It doesn't sound like DP is covering what he costs to be at yours though. Eg my DH spends ages in the shower, has loads of washing, mostly created by work clothes, etc. He pays more than that... Appreciate DP has his home running costs, but I'm not sure I could cover DH costs on that amount.

Original poster
greecedig · 14/12/2019 12:29

I do t really know how to address it @SpongeBobJudgeyPants I just feel this could go on and on ... I'm not good at this kind of thing

OP posts:
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 14/12/2019 12:37

You're engaged to be married so you need to be able to have this conversation. You aren't happy with the current arrangement and I agree, he is getting a good deal, he's contributing about£6 per day. Research financial abuse. It may not be that, but it was a term I learnt about the hard way. The bottom line is, you're uncomfortable with the situation so you need to take control.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/12/2019 16:55

Yes, have that conversation. He actually runs a house, so cannot claim that he has no idea what these things cost.

Brookerebecca · 14/12/2019 18:51

I think your anger is displaced in the son. If I was awarded 100k but was never asked to pay my own way would I automatically sort myself out at the great age of 18? Probably not. You need an honest conversation with your fiancé maybe suggest he sell up and you guys get a place together

Original poster
greecedig · 14/12/2019 19:19

Girls I'd love to be able to say that , it's so difficult, he owns his house so has the normal outlay , but he's here all the time , his son pays no keep , has full run of 3 bed house. He does help out here like if we have to buy an appliance hel go half, so maybe I expect too much ... I can ever see his son starting out why would you ... I just don't feel able to say anything

OP posts:
category12 · 14/12/2019 19:57

Your boyfriend's son isn't the problem - if you feel taken advantage of, it's not by the son. Don't let the fact he's running another household weigh with you - if you're losing out, say so and expect him to pay his way at your place.

It's entirely up to your boyfriend whether he charges rent/keep to his ds. If he can't afford to subsidise him, then things will change. That's for him to sort.

But stop focusing on the son. Your problem is your inability to be honest with your boyfriend. Your problem is your boyfriend not paying his way.

Original poster
greecedig · 15/12/2019 09:01

@category12 thank you, I dont want to appear I resent his son , I don't, I care for him like my own , he comes to me for advice, I often cook for him when he wants to eat with us , it's all ok apart from am I expecting too much? So as I've said he owns a house , the usual household bills minus a mortgage. My partner pops home for post and any diy jobs that need doing but stays here all the rest of it. Like I said he pays half the shopping bill and 200 towards 'his usage' of my costs. He will come a cropper soon as certain perks he gets will stop all down to this court thing. He says his plans are to help his son out and to buy a place with me in the near future , but when ds is planning on making rooms into music rooms etc I can't see that happening, yes I do have a inability and I know why it's because I've found happiness in him and I'm scared I will lose him if I say anything, but on the other hand I don't know if I am expecting more than I should and I'm just being greedy. I do find it tough financially but I manage , there is just no extras if that makes sense. Should I just see how the next 6 months pan out?

OP posts:
category12 · 15/12/2019 09:15

No, because you'll be building up a head of resentment and struggling for that six months - and if your relationship is that fragile that it won't survive you asking for fairness financially, you really need to stop and examine that. You're afraid that if you dare ask for a proper contribution to costs, he'll dump you. How long have you been together?

Original poster
greecedig · 15/12/2019 09:27

We've been together 3 years.... he's stayed here for the past 6 months. I've just said to him I'm going to work weekends ( I can in my job) his response was are you not managing, I said no not great, with that he's gone to the bathroom and said we will talk after.... my friend described him as a cocklodger which upset me but I've just googled it and I'm wondering... I sound terribly messed up , I absolutely adore him but I guess due to my past I just can't say how I feel. It's my fault I know

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 15/12/2019 09:36

Why dont you draw up a budget of your monthly living costs, and sit down with him to work out how you're going to split them. So, you each pay half the rent, he pays gas and electric, you pay water and broadband, council tax half each, both pay for your own phones, etc. DO NOT MENTION HIS OWN HOME COSTS. ignore that element completely. Its his problem to sort out. If he wants to stay living with you, he'll find a way to make it work.

What sort of "perks" will he lose due to this 100k?

category12 · 15/12/2019 09:38

I'm confused - if it's his son's £100K, why will your boyfriend lose perks?

Quartz2208 · 15/12/2019 09:38

What are your longer term plans with him

Original poster
greecedig · 15/12/2019 09:43

It's due to a payout that they got when something happened some years ago , my hoped plans is to live together properly like normal people and share costs

OP posts:
category12 · 15/12/2019 09:46

But is it their money or the son's money?

Quartz2208 · 15/12/2019 10:10

Is it a medical payout due to negligence - if so this should be left out of this

You do however have a real partner issue

CallmeAngelina · 15/12/2019 10:19

Leave the other house out of it for a moment.
If you and your partner want to live together, then surely you should share the costs of that equally and fairly. If he can't/won't do that (e.g. because he has a house elsewhere), then he needs to move out.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 15/12/2019 10:47

Last time...you are not expecting too much. You have hit the problem to him with a sledgehammer. What he proposes will be very telling. Don't live with a cocklodger. Yes they do exist. Yes, sadly he might be one. He is aware of how much a house costs to run, he has his own! He was rather hoping you would just suck it down and not mention it.

Original poster
greecedig · 15/12/2019 10:48

The son got money put into a court order , my partner had a payout and then a monthly income that stops soon. It's not medical negligence. Yes your right I do have a problem and I need to sort it out , because it's not going to change , he knows my situation and either don't care as 'I'm ok jack' or he needs it spelling out ... I shouldn't have to. I think I know deep down where this is going

OP posts:
Middersweekly · 15/12/2019 11:20

If the son has an apprenticeship then he presumably works FT or there abouts. I can’t see why he can’t pay his dad some bed and board but that is down to his dad to ask. Whatever money he got from a court pay out has nothing to do with anything. Also if he’s living with you FT then he needs to pay half of everything not £200 a month. You’re effectively paying for an extra persons living expenses.

Original poster
greecedig · 15/12/2019 13:44

I just don't know how to address it, I'm crap at that, I don't feel I'm i can say don't 'live here' because I want him with me but I also feel he's getting more than he's putting in , I think if I start working weekends hel see me less which he won't like and maybe that will help ... I know I'm crap and I wish I was different

OP posts:
category12 · 15/12/2019 14:58

Stop denigrating yourself. You can act differently and become who you want to be. It is concerning that you're planning on working weekends rather than speak to him honestly.

You need to value yourself higher and not put your fear of challenging him ahead of your wellbeing. You might want to engage with some counselling to build yourself up a bit.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/12/2019 19:12

You don't need to make it confrontational or like you are saying 'don't live here' though. There is a middle ground where you just point out how much it's costing you to have your DP living there, that you are struggling to cover costs and that you would appreciate it if he could help out.

If he won't, or says he can't, then he's not a decent guy and you shouldn't be with him anyway, so if he storms off it's no real loss.

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