AIBU to be upset by this

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

DP and I had plans to move in together next summer, when his daughter leaves primary school. They're planning to move into my place. Or so I thought...we've been discussing plans for months, saying 'when you move in....'. Then today we were having a minor disagreement about something and he suddenly pipes up with 'my moving in is dependent on how Christmas goes'. I feel like I've been lied to, been blithely making plans and he was going along with them. I feel both angry and upset and I don't know what to say to him.

Eh? So is he "testing you" over Christmas?

I'd just suggest to him to stay as you are for a while.

What's happening at Christmas? If its the first time you will have all stayed in the one house for a few nights at what can be a stressful time I think he has a point.

I wouldn't be bothering trying to pass some test, I'd put the moving in on hold for now too.

I'd ask directly what he meant by that as you thought you were both on the same page and that as far as your discussions together had gone, he was moving in in the summer. I wouldn't be very happy about his comment either.

Sounds like he's putting you nicely in his place. I would say "if you feel that way maybe we should reconsider altogether"

After one minor disagreement, he means he'll still move in as long as you prove you can be good little compliant gf who puts him first in all things and never ventures an opinion that doesn't agree with his, while doing all the Xmas work and treating him like a king I presume. He's expecting you to pull out all the gf stops to show that you are desperate to have the honour of pandering to this godlike prince amongst men.

Call me a cynic!!

Have you discussed how finances will work? Is he solo parent to his daughter? How will childcare work? Housework?

Any other red flags?

No we've been on holiday together and stayed at each other's houses so it's not that. I know he's nervous about moving in with me (his last partner made him and his daughter homeless) and I'm nervous too (haven't lived with another adult for 5 years) but I thought we were both willing to make a leap of faith if you like. Now I don't know what to think. Part of me feels like he's been stringing me along all this time. He keeps saying 'when we get married' too but hasn't actually asked me. Is he just a future faker?

Why move in together? Better for his young DD that he keeps his own home as a stable base, not move into someone elses home where he could, along with his DD, be made homeless again.

I don't like the sound of the Christmas 'test' either.

How long have you been together? Where does he live now? Does he have sole custody of dc? How were he and dc made homeless by ex (unusual to be able to legally make a child homeless)?

Personally, the whole 'when we're married' talk is a crock of future faking shite unless you're actually engaged.

Yes I agree with MarianaMoatedGrange. Think you'd be better keeping your separate homes.

I think I'd put moving in together on a back burner. If you are both nervous it's going to be difficult to trust each other with what the future may bring. Can he not move in and maybe rent his house out?
If he's been made homeless by a previous relationship he's bound to be concerned in case it happens again. On the flip side it's not fair for you to pay the price for his past relationship failings. Living with someone is totally different to going on holiday and staying over each others houses. It's true what they say you really don't know someone until you live with them.
Have you DC Op?

Are you sure he was being serious ?

Never be with someone who sets conditions on you. It’s a form of control to force “good behaviour” then he will reward you based on that.

He sounds like a future faker.

So this guy is going to move in with you, bringing his daughter... Has he given notice on his home?

I'm not sure he's testing you, more like he's concerned things aren't going well and is saying let's see where we are after Christmas.

How long have you been together, and what kind of things are you arguing about?

Well he phrased it unpleasantly, but it does seem sensible not to remove in together if you are having regular disagreements.

If he moves in with you what happens to him and his dd if you split up?
Why would he want to keep moving her in with his partners?
It would be better for her to have a stable home that she won't have to leave if it all goes wrong.

You need to sit down and have a serious talk and find out if you're on the same page or if he has doubts.
I'd not be impressed with him throwing that at you in an argument.

His dd is 11 at the oldest. She is about to move in with her dad's girlfriend for the sec9nd time.

I'm judging his parenting here tbh.

That's a nasty thing for him to say. Perhaps you could ask him what's made him go off the idea? That he doesn't want to move and put he and he's dd's security at risk is understandable, but he shouldn't be making you go through an 'assessment.'

Doesn’t sound like a great father tbh. Dragging his poor child around from one GF to the next.

I'm not prepared to discuss his parenting as this isn't what I started this thread for.

True. But it just adds to the general poor impression of him though.

Seems that he want to make sure you behave as he wants you to. I would slow this one right down. Make sure you know what you want before you start pandering to him.

Are you supposed to be having Christmas at yours? Are you hosting?
Does he have his daughter full time? Do you have children?

It does sound like he's testing how much of a good housewife you are

It does make sense for him to be concerned about potentially throwing away his child's stability by giving up their home to move into yours. It's a much bigger risk for them.

But the idea of setting some sort of unspecified test for you to pass isn't pleasant.

How long have you been together? How long has moving in been planned?