Want to get out of marriage - Please help (Sorry for long post)

[Nupur115]

I had an arrange marriage. I'm married for 6 years. Within few months of marriage, I started facing issues. I'm living with my parents-in-law and my husband is their only child. My MIL's nature is not good. She has OCD to keep house clean. Whatever household chore I do, she has to blame that I'm not doing it in her way. I have to clean everything - even windows and switch board. I don't mind doing all these. But despite of doing all these, she has complaints that I'm not doing it properly. She has to tell this me on every work. I'm sick of this.

I came to know about my MIL's nature in the beginning of my marriage. I told my husband I can't live with her. He said as he is the only son, he can't leave his parents. I was loving my husband. But whenever there was fight with my MIL, he used to support her instead of me. He used to even shout on me that my thinking is wrong. I asked for divorce within 6 months of my marriage. My husband laughed at me that I'm being stupid. I thought I might be stupid. And with the hope that everything will be good in future, I continued this relationship.

I had issues with my husband too. I love to go for outing. Explore different places. Try new restaurants. But my husband is always on couch and watching TV or be on his phone. He never makes any plan to go out or do anything. I'm the one who has to push for these things. On weekends I'm always stuck with household chores and my husband sits lazily doing nothing. He says he loves me a lot. Do you think he does?

It has been 6 years in this marriage with a daughter of 3 years old. I see no change either in my MIL or in my husband. I'm so sick of this routine of just work. My husband is not ready to understand my situation. He think I'm wrong. Day by day relationships are getting worse.

I asked for divorce many times but my husband doesn't want this. He says he can't live without me. Our family is very conservative. I can't live like this with constant fights. Still I sometime think I should be in this marriage because of my daughter. Will my daughter be happy with or without divorce? Should I go for divorce?

I’m so sorry that even after 6 years that knobhead husband of yours still hasn’t changed.
Take your daughter and your belongings and leave the waste of space!

What country are you in OP?

There are other Asian and Muslim Mumsnetters, hopefully they'll be along with names of organisations to help you

I assume you are Muslim?

To be fair I will start by saying that I don't agree with arranged marriage, I don't agree with having to live with your in-laws, and I don't agree with women doing all the housework. I am from a completely different culture.
I do believe that your daughter will be happier growing up in culture where she can be free and independent, being able to do want she wants as a woman and being allowed to make her own life choices. I think you would be too.
So leave, and get divorced.

Assuming you are in the UK you don't need to ask him for permission to divorce, just talk to a solicitor and start proceedings yourself.

Yes I'm from UK and I'm Hindu too.

Sorry for assuming your religion and culture OP!

No worries

Find somewhere for you and DD to live and leave. As soon as you can.

Maybe it'll be a wake-up call for your husband, maybe he'll still choosehis mum. He is not the most important person in this scenario.

In my opinion, no, your daughter won't be happy living in a toxic environment like this and she'll probably end up in some awful relationships if she's seeing you accept being treated so badly.

OP I'm sorry to hear you are so unhappy. How much are you involved with your Hindu community? How much support would you get from them if you divorced? Also where would you go if you left?
You do not have to live your life unhappy but you would need a very good plan in place if you decide to leave.

I asked for divorce many times but my husband doesn't want this
Tough - if it's what you want then you can start divorce proceedings. You do NOT need his permission.
Your DD will learn from what you model for her.
If that is submissive, doing what you are told, being the little woman at home, then she will do this too.
Can you leave?
Do you have family you could go to?

He says he can't live without me
Again, tough. He did before you came along and he will again once you leave.

Do not live this half life of unhappiness.
You get one shot at this.
Do NOT settle for anything less than you deserve.
Get out and enjoy your life!!!!!

This really makes me sad @Nupur115 You don't deserve to be stuck in a marriage you didn't even choose in the first place. I don't know what the implications are culturaly if you divorce, but it is your human right to be happy and have a fulfilling life. I don't really have any advice or suggestions, but I hope you find a way to sort this out. Sending lots of love x

I think PPs may be confusing arranged marriages with forced marriages, but thats beside the point.

You can leave OP, plenty of women do. Youre in the UK - was your marriage legally binding under English law or what is just a religious ceremony?

Even if its a legal marriage you can leave and petition for divorce without anyones permission.
After 5 years of estrangement you can be divorced without his permission.

It sounds like he feels unable to leave home or 'disrespect' his mum. You, however, have no such ties. You can just pack up and leave and take your daughter. Stay with a friend or a family member if you can at first to steady yourself. Then look into benefits and working etc and start a new life.

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

Have a chat with tjis organisation OP

Your husband doesn't get to decide if the marriagr continues OP. You do. And it's not what you (understandably) want.

You can leave him. Your daughter will grown up seeing you treated like a slave and think that this is normal. It's not. Secure a better future for you both and leave your husband to his mother who he clearly seems to prefer.

No-one can say you gave up too soon. You have given this marriage six years. Your husband has failed you.

Now it is time to take your life back and raise your daughter to understand that she is not born to be a domestic skivvy, that you can both have a decent life and be treated with respect.

Good luck.

Thank you everyone for you advise. This means a lot to me. I will contact lawyer and find out for next steps. There are lots of sources I can live with. I earn so can find a place to live on rent. I think I should let stay my daughter with my husband until I find secure place to live?

No! Take your daughter with you. Otherwise he will become the resident parent/ main carer. It will also leave her alone with him and MIL giving them plenty of time to say all kinds of things about you to damage your relationship with your daughter.

I agree with the PP, do not leave your daughter with them! Very, very bad idea.

I would also contact south hall black sisters, for advice as well.

southallblacksisters.org.uk/

Definitely keep your daughter with you, don't compromise on that.
Where are your parents and other relatives? Do you have people who can support you emotionally and within your community?

Did you have a registry office wedding, under UK law, or a Hindu wedding? My (limited) understanding is that there are few acceptable reasons for a woman to seek divorce in Hinduism. That could be why he laughs when you ask for a divorce.