Is this weird?

[justnotsure7]

Been with boyfriend about 18 months. He's 28 - no kids. I'm 33 - 2 kids from previous marriage
When we first started going out he mentioned he didn't have loads of mates but had 2 or 3 'good' mates who he kept in touch with - ok, no worries.
In the first few months we were together he met up with said mates a few times (not all together, met up with them individually on separate occasions although not sure that's relevant!) - again all fine, we're not joint at the hip, I have quite a large social circle and like to do my own thing so often go out with my friends without him and have no problem with him doing the same.
Fast forward to now and I have met his mum, dad (he introduced me to them after about 6 months) his brother and his cousin, but I have never met any of his friends.
He's met my family, all my friends, my kids (who he is brilliant with) but he's never suggested meeting up with his friends.
We go out fairly regularly as a couple and with my friends, I also see my friends without him which he's never bothered about.
When his mates text him he'll have a quick text catch up and I know he's told them about me as he's told me he sent them a couple of pics of us at an event we went to and he's also sent a couple of pics of him on a day out with the kids but he's not physically seen any of his friends in ages.
I have mentioned in passing a few times that it'd be nice to meet them one day but nothing ever comes of it.
We were talking last night and one of their names cropped up, I said something jokingly about him not wanting me to meet them and his response shocked me a little. He said 'I've made a choice to live my life on your schedule so I don't have any time for them any more'.
When I asked what he meant he said he's busy with work (which is true he works full time and also works an evening job 3-4 nights a week for extra money) and his spare time he'd rather spend with me or me and the kids so doesn't want to make time for anyone else. I said that surely we could incorporate both? If I was ever allowed to meet these friends then there'd be times he could spend with both? I don't want to run his life and I enjoy having my time with my friends so would be more than happy for him to do the same. I feel like he's saying I've stopped him from having a relationship with them, or is this him making an excuse for me not meeting them?
It just doesn't sit right with me but he says I'm making a big deal out of it and he's happy with the way things are. Am I in the wrong to feel it's a bit weird?
He has invited me to his work Xmas do next week so I'll be meeting his work colleagues for the first time 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's weird.

I'd not have an issue with it. DH has met my best friend only a handful of times in our time together...and vice versa. Neither of us feel the need to be that embroiled in stuff like that.

I don’t necessarily think it’s too weird that it’s hard to find time. I mean dh and I have 2 dc and I don’t think we’ve spent time together with friends (but without dc) in 7 years. Once we went to a wedding with lots of friends, but I can think of no other times we’ve both been out together with friends. Maybe you have more time alone if your dc are with their dad, but alone time as a couple is precious and I can see how it would happen that after time together and time out with your friends and with family, that there just isn’t time for also hanging out with his friends as a couple.

Also not everyone has a couple sort of relationship with friends. My dh has one really close friend (literally his oldest friend, he was best man in friends wedding) that other that our wedding, I’ve only met 3 times! We’ve been together 11 years now.

They just have no little time to get together that they really don’t want to spend it doing couple things. They want to just relax and talk and do all the ‘guy stuff’ they’ve done since teenagers. That’s fine. He’s a lovely guy and a good friend. I wouldn’t bring dh along to hang out with some of my friends either as it changes the dynamic.

But I think it’s important that you stress that you’d like to get to know them. Do you think they are actually as close as he says? Could you say you’d like to plan a time when you could meet up with Joe and his partner for drinks? Or invite them over when your dc are away?

Ok - 2 very different answers!

It's not a case of needing to be embroiled in it. I don't want to be invited every time he sees them, it'd just be nice to be introduced

You are being over sensitive. He told you what little free time he has, he'd rather spend with you than his friends. This isn't a big deal. He clearly isn't that close to them or that bothered about them

I'm guessing you think he's embarrassed by you or another reason for not introducing you, hence your 'joke' that wasn't a joke.

My kids are with their dad 2 nights a week and alternate weekends so we do get plenty of child free time but I appreciate what you're saying.
I won't push it, maybe it is me overthinking it. If he ever does introduce me to them, I don't want it to be by force anyway I'd rather it come from him. I just don't like the idea of him not maintaining a relationship with them himself because of 'my schedule'

I'm guessing you think he's embarrassed by reason for not introducing you, hence your 'joke' that wasn't a joke.

Well yeah I guess that had crossed my mind that maybe he was ashamed of me or something. I know he used to do loads with his ex and his friends so does feel a bit like he wants to keep me separate from them, perhaps because of that 🤷🏻‍♀️

I should add that in the last 4/5 months 2 of these mates have, on separate occasions, text him reaching out for a catch up/ asking how things were going etc. He replied to them with 'everything's great blah blah, it's been too long, we should really get together soon' type response but when they asked when he was free for a quick drink/bite to eat he never replied to them

The fact you've met his family and will be meeting work colleagues does not indicate he's embarrassed by you. Maybe he's embarrassed by them? Do these friends have girlfriends? Because if they don't then men probably don't think about taking their girlfriend out with one of their mates, they would probably find it weird.
My only concern here was how he answered the question!

Are you worried about his lack of friends and whether his is somehow a reflection on his character??
I don't have a huge circle of friends and I would feel slightly sad if someone kept pushing me to meet/ hang out with "friends" who I actually didn't want to hang out with 😔
If he's lovely and kind to you and your kids I wouldn't worry about it .... it could be worse - he could be out with his mates all the time 😬

I've made a choice to live my life on your schedule so I don't have any time for them any more

This is a weird statement.

Seems a bit over invested, black/white thinking. Has he discussed 'living life on your schedule' with you? Odd. Plus, he's saying he's ditched his friends for you? I mean, who does that? Weird.

I agree, its like he's trying to make you feel bad/guilty when it was clearly his choice. I suspect he's making up excuses here.

@anotherdisaster one did but broke up with her around the same time my bf broke up with his ex around 3 years ago. They used to do a lot as a four so I appreciate they may have drifted apart but he was in contact with him quite a bit when we first met and met him a few times for a bite to eat after work or a cinema trip.

The other, who has been his 'best mate' since high school and met up with a few times in the first few months of us being together without me, does have a girlfriend as far as I'm aware. From what he's said he got with her a few months after myself and my bf got together. He talks about this guy really fondly and has loads of stories of things they've done together. I get the feeling he misses that relationship he had with him but doesn't seem to do anything about. He always says things like 'you'd really like him' / 'you'd get on really well' but nothings ever materialised.

He has another female friend who he's in fairly regular text contact with. I've spoken to her on the phone briefly when she rung him one night when we were together. She must have known about me as it was a 'oooh are you with your new gf can I say hi?' type situation so we had a random 5 minute convo. That was about a year ago now though. She has a husband and she's even text him and suggested meeting up for a double date but again nothings happened. He'll text back and forth with them but as soon as they ask about meeting up either just him or with me, he just doesn't respond. Then they seem to go through the same cycle a few weeks later.

It was more his answer that threw me, like I'm the reason he isn't maintaining a friendship with any of them. If he doesn't want me to meet them then ok, but I don't want him holding me responsible for him losing all his mates in a few years time!

I have a couple of close mates due to circumstance we don't see each other very often but text a a lot. My DH on the other hand has a large circle of friends who he sees often.

Just different personalities and I'm a bit social anxious as well so actually prefer not having to meet up

@TimeForNewStart no! I didn't even know I had a schedule 😂

I am a busy person yes but he's free to do as he pleases. Most of my friends are in couples so he's usually invited to social events as they tend to be couple type things but he's under no obligation to come! He's actually developed a good friendship with my best friends husband but I guess I just don't want him resenting me later down the line for not keeping up relationships with his own friends.

I mean he clearly wasn't very close to them anyway and so has decided to slot himself into the more structured life of a person with kids and a partner.

If it as a woman who dumped her mates as soon as a new man was on the scene, what would uou think?

I'd be deeply concerned about his ability to cut people out his life that he should care for. Basically that's what his statement was. He's made a conscious decision to cut them loose.

It's unpleasant behaviour

@Bluntness100 well yes I'd not really looked at it this way until he said that.
I have friends who I don't see for months and then we text/ meet - I get that everyone's busy and life happens but it was that answer that threw me tbh.
I mean, in every other way he's lovely. He's kind, thoughtful, respectful, brilliant with my kids. Never questions or complains if I do things without him and is happy to give me my own space.
Do I bring it up again or just accept it and leave it?

Why not just tell him straight "Hey, why don't you ask friend x if he fancies having a double date with us. I'd really like to meet him and his girlfriend and think you should keep in touch with him". Then actually suggest some evenings and push him from there.
If he fobs you off or makes excuses then you can just say "look I'm making an effort to get to know your friends. Please don't blame me now when you lose touch"

@anotherdisaster yes that's maybe a good approach, I might do that thank you

I wouldn't date someone who didnt maintain friendships. He sounds weird and like he would become hugely dependent on you over time. Massively unhealthy and a red flag