Ex calls in whenever he wants

[4Bops]

Hi all,
I'm split from my partner of 20 yrs, he's been at his Mums about 10-15 mins away for about 5 months. He pays for half the mortgage and at the moment half the bills -therefore no child maintenance for DS14 and DD6).
My issue is that he calls in whenever he wants this could be daytime or early eve, in addition to organised nights that he see's the kids. Although it's nice for the kids to see him, it feels disrespectful, retaining a bit of control (and as if he's trying to catch me out) It might be to make a phone call, use the printer, see if post has come. I can tolerate it some days but feel I don't have a right to tell him not to do it as he's paying half of the bills. I have asked him to let me know when he's coming round, his answer is 'why?' Or mumbles something dismissive.
Any ideas how to approach this? Anyone have a similar situation? Am I being unreasonable to request this as he still see's it as 'his house'
He is due to move into a house March next year, when he will cease paying the bills and I will hopefully get done maintenance for the kids- then I feel I will have more right to address it.

Hi @4Bops welcome.

Sorry I don’t have the knowledge to help you, but if you report your post and ask MNHQ to move it to the Relationships Board you’ll get some replies there.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Ah great Thank you, first time using and a bit lost!

I think the best course of action depends on a few things? Has he generally behaved reasonably about the split? Is he very hurt by it and likely to react out of pain? What would be the effect of you moving to a new place for a fresh start and to create boundaries?

Why did you split?

It took him about 6 months to leave, he's been ok in the end. We argue about stuff still. if I changed the locks or something he could flip out of annoyance rather than hurt and perhaps be a consequence for me, make things difficult for me in another way. I wouldn't move due to the children's schools and unable to afford it.

it was an affair that he had ( denied but messages found - one containing i love you ) he changed while he was presumably having the affair and we argued lots, so when i discovered it, it was hard to try and salvage anything.

How’s it going @4Bops ?

I guess if it were me and he said ‘why?’ I’d reply with just out of common courtesy.

I don’t think you’re allowed to change the locks, but you could put on an internal chain back and front and if he had a go at you over that simply say it’s your new security routine. That would depend on your 14 year old’s comings and goings though.

Are you home when he comes over?

Does he still have a key?

This is your home, not his, so he should respect your privacy.

Hi 4Bops

You can't change the locks whilst his name is still on the mortgage. You could, however, leave the key in the lock so that he can't get his in.

I had this for a while with my XH; he also used to occasionally remove items from the house. My solicitor explained that it was basically like a dog pissing on his territory. (Taking to to the extreme, I have a friend whose XH used to come into the house and have a shit.) It was a wonderful day when I took over the mortgage and could have the locks changed!

TBH, if your XP is getting his own place then I'd just put up with it until then. You could also try asking him for a key to his new place and watch his confused face!

Have you decided what your doing about the house? Paying half a joint mortgage is not child support its separate

Mine does this, it’s annoying AF. He’ll come and borrow stuff and not bring it back as well.

He’s still on the mortgage so is as much his house as mine. I think he does it to remind me of that fact.

No advice, but you have sympathies.

Hi, thanks for your replies, it's eased off a bit as he's now back in work after a sudden redundancy, however still doing it. I agree it's like a dog pissing on its territory! He also just helps himself to whatever food which is very annoying.
Yes just waiting it out hoping it will change when he gets his own place if not I'll have to address it then, definitely a good idea to ask for a key and see how he likes it- it might hit home then. Once he stops paying half the bills I will have to ask for maintenance - not looking forward to that.

Change the locks...tell him there was some damage to the old one, as it seemed someone had tried to force the lock.

He doesn't need a key, as he no longer lives there .

It's unnerving having someone just come in and can cause anxiety.

Just tell him to let you know when he's coming over...he's trying to maintain control.

Ignore advice telling you to change the locks. You cant do that whilst his name is on the mortgage.