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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How the hell do you leave a relationship when you still love that person.

3 replies

Tinaarena · 11/12/2019 11:01

I cannot get my head around this.

Been with dp 20 years, we have 1 son who is 7. These past few years have been our toughest ones yet, i've written loads on here before now and all the advice has been to separate as it seemed to be for the best.

We sat down a few weeks ago and decided as 2 grown adults who were not happy we should separate for a while. I cried solidly all day long, the evening came and he confided me he didnt want to go anywhere and didnt want to ruin our sons life. I knew as soon as I said stay it was the wrong thing to do. Im wasting his life being here. Hes changed so much as a person with depression and has left the majority of household/life/childcare to me while hes gone back to being a teenager again with no responsibilities.

I love him dearly, hes my best friend in many ways, but when it comes to sex it feels akin to being with a ember of my family - thats the only way I can describe the feeling I get. theres far too much resentment on my side and hes caused me of having an affair (I actually joined a gym, lost 2 stone, and would come home each evening sweaty, but still he persisted with there was somebody else).

I know I need to separate from him, were in separate bedrooms now, but each night I go to my new room and cry myself to sleep, I dont know if Im doing the right thing.. Im scared of whats next and more importantly im scared for him and his mental health and how he'll cope alone. What the fuck am I supposed to be doing right now? if I had a plan id put it to work but I feel in limbo.

OP posts:
crumb · 11/12/2019 12:23

I would say Separate.
My relationship was a bit like that. He didn’t want to separate, I wasn’t sure how he’d manage his mental health and didn’t force it.
A few years later he had a new job, had an affair, lied to me repeatedly over 12 months, before he finally moved in with her.
Now we are divorced, coparenting but minimal communication and I avoid having to see him, I actually dislike him, and we used to be best friends.

ArranUpsideDown · 11/12/2019 13:02

Im scared of whats next and more importantly im scared for him and his mental health and how he'll cope alone.

A Mumsnetter made a comment that I don't remember correctly but was akin to:

You don't have to rescue someone for them to get better.

How much of your life are you prepared to give up waiting for it to be the right time for your DP? How much of your DS's life. As you know, it never will be, and meanwhile there are consequences for you and your DS.

noego · 11/12/2019 16:55

You have to love yourself more than you love him or love him enough to release him to sort himself out and get better.

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