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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My ex wants to come into the family home as he pleases

32 replies

123pops · 11/12/2019 07:38

I split with my cheating ex, after a 25 year relationship, 7 months ago. I have 2 young adults living at home and 1 at uni.
Since the day we split up, we have still been a strong family unit and I have allowed him to come and go as he pleases. I know mad isn’t it, but it worked for all of us, however he’s now seeing someone else.
This hurts but I realise we’ve all got to get on. He’s being very disrespectful (texting her in front of us and saying he’s busy seeing her etc).
I’m now trying to put my foot down and telling him he can come and see the children and dog, only when I’m not here and to ring first. He says this doesn’t work for him (I’m cutting the story short) and if I won’t allow him in then we’ll have to sell the house as he wants to be able to buy a family home and not rent his poxy flat anymore.
He makes me miserable when I see him and this isn’t a good feeling in your own home.
I know I’ve played it all wrong from the beginning but didn’t think it would come to this.
Should I sell up and try to support myself without him, which will be hard, or bite the bullet and allow him in?

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 11/12/2019 07:41

I would sell up and go for the clean break, fresh start given the children are adults.

TowelNumber42 · 11/12/2019 07:42

The adult children not at uni will have to move out or pay their way of course.

lifeisgoodagain · 11/12/2019 07:43

Watching with interest. I've allowed the same (though different reasons for split and we still are friends). I've banned him from coming without calling/messaging first unless preplanned (I've got a new man so particularly necessary!) but he's coming around a couple of times a week supposedly to see daughter actually she ignores him and we just chat, we get along better if anything - he also takes the dog home overnight which saves me a job and drops him back before work

lifeisgoodagain · 11/12/2019 07:45

Ps I will sell, but I don't want to buy around here so makes sense to wait until kids are out of university so no longer need rooms, I might move out sooner and let DD's student friends move in next (academic) year. The house is going to be mine when we get round to sorting the paperwork

sarahjconnor · 11/12/2019 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

plumbabe · 11/12/2019 07:49

What’s his share of the house? Does he get half the equity if you sell? Have you seen a solicitor about what your rights are?

category12 · 11/12/2019 07:55

I'd go and get some legal advice.

Since he's moved out and your relationship is over, while he has a right to access the property, that's with notice, he doesn't have the right to swan in and out as he pleases.

It's probably time to move things on legally and financially, I'm afraid, op.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/12/2019 08:02

The children are adults. He doesn't need to be in your home at all. He's just basically keeping you all on side in case he decides he wants to come home. Because you'd let him.

Winterdaysarehere · 11/12/2019 08:03

Sell up.
Adult dc can make their own arrangements and you don't have to see /hear about him.

TheReef · 11/12/2019 08:13

First and foremost get some proper legal advice and start divorce proceedings. That way you can agree legally who gets what and you can then start to put boundaries in place.

Original poster

123pops · 11/12/2019 08:30

Thanks for all reply’s.
The house is 50/50. We never married so divorce not needed, this means everything is half each.
I know he has a legal right to come into the house as it’s still his, but whenever he likes IMO is just very cruel and looks like there is nothing I can do except sell.
I don’t really want to but feel no choice if I want to move on myself as he obviously has. I went about it all wrong when we split and am now paying the price and he’s had no consequences except for, as he says, so hard to leave the family home and live alone!!!

OP posts:

smartiecake · 11/12/2019 08:36

I think you have to sell. My sister was in the same position as you although kids were younger. She carried on like that for 4 years and things became nasty because he wanted to sell so tried to force the issue with bullying tactics for a very long time which caused my sister terrible anxiety. They sold and she has a lovely little house now and he cant come in. She has since said she didn't realise at the time how much she dreaded being in her old house never knowing if he would show up. She feels so much better now. You have to I'm afraid for your own sanity

Goldenchildsmum · 11/12/2019 08:39

You can't deny him access to the house. So you have to choose.

It's hard to sell a house that you love but it will be so lovely to be safe from his constant interfering

Chocmallows · 11/12/2019 08:41

It may be owned 50:50, but it's your home. A landlord would not have the freedom that he has and yet s/he would completely own a house.

I was in this situation pre-divorce, he would walk right in when he wanted to and even my doctor told me to change my locks as I was struggling to leave the house due to fear that he could try to move back in.

He will be random and cruel if he wants his 50% equity out. Can you raise a mortgage to buy him out?

DeathStare · 11/12/2019 08:46

Morally he's completely in the wrong but I suspect legally he's covered and he knows this.

Sell up OP. Get a place that is actually YOURS and where he can't use your home and his access to it to treat you disrespectfully. Your current house will never be a home while he treats it like that

TowelNumber42 · 11/12/2019 08:52

Build some good consequences for yourself. Get the house sold so you can start your next phase of life. Refresh and renew. Have some fun.

InfiniteSheldon · 11/12/2019 09:02

Sadly it's still his as well as yours sell up sort out finances and get on with your life.

InfiniteSheldon · 11/12/2019 09:05

Smartie can I ask why did she wait 4 years? I just can't fathom why you wouldn't sort things out financially and move on. I have a friend currently doing the same and it is starting to look like she just can't bear to lose all control of him.

MMmomDD · 11/12/2019 09:11

Op - you mention two issues in the post -
one is about him coming around - that you actually don’t seem to mind. Not in the past and not really now.
And the other issue that you do mind is him being disrespectful in your eyes by texting his new bf and mentioning her.

Whatever your relationship has been and changed into - it is what it is. You are now separated and both need to start moving on. He is and you don’t yet seem to.

If this is the main issue - then I’d deal with that before starting to uproot kids and selling property.
In the short term - I’d ask him to be a little more considerate and not text in front of you. But in reality, OP, painful as it is - you really need to figure out to move on and accept the reality. He has a new person in his life and eventually you might as well. So texting other people shouldn’t be an issue as you aren’t a couple anymore.

You also mentioned that when you do the paperwork the house will be yours - if you mean you can buy him out - do that.

Mary1935 · 11/12/2019 09:13

Hi OP my understanding but I was married - is that if he’s moved out and lives in another property with a tenancy or pays rent somewhere else he has no right to come and go. Fuck his - change the logs but put the property up for sale. I really don’t think there’s anything he can do.
He’s left!!!!

LemonTT · 11/12/2019 09:15

Legally the house is half his. He left on the basis of being able to continue to use it and this was your agreement till now. You have proposed a change. But he didn’t agree to changing it to only come when you are out. There isn’t any point in pursuing this. He doesn’t want to do it. He wants to sell and legally he can make this happen.

I completely understand why it isn’t working for you. But it is time to sell.

Skittlesandbeer · 11/12/2019 09:16

Boy, it must be tempting to string some men’s boxers on the wash line, and distribute shaving stuff in the bathroom. Maybe a nice big Tiffany-wrap box with a lovey dovey tag to you under the xmas tree???

Yes, yes, I get that it isn’t a strong long term move. But once you’re ready to sell maybe?

ReanimatedSGB · 11/12/2019 09:20

I think you need to consider selling and moving on. Do you think he's angling to move back in, have you performing all the relevant domestic services, while he continues to see his new GF? Some men seem to think that this is perfectly all right - they basically put their ex in the role of 'mum' (doing all the housework) while they have fun, good times and sex with the new (often younger) GF.

Dhalandchips · 11/12/2019 09:22

Yep my ex did similar. I told him to stop messaging his girlfriend on Xmas day, for the sake of the kids. He told me to fuck off and die so I decided it was time to sell up and move on. Best move ever!

dottiedodah · 11/12/2019 09:36

Dhalandchips Sounds like a real charmer!

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