He is getting messages from 'a friend' but she wants more

[Per1winkle15]

My partner and I have only been together for just over 12 months. When things got serious between us I ceased all communication with other men I was chatting to and I assumed he did the same.

I have since found out that he is still regularly communicating with a women, who he has known for years. She is in an unhappy marriage and is constantly messaging him about how she wants to run away with him, about how happy they could be together, etc. etc. He has not at any point (from what I have seen/read) acknowledged these advancements apart from saying he is sorry she is unhappy.

I have spoken to him about it and said I am happy for him to have her as a friend but he needs to tell her he is in a committed relationship and not interested in anything other than friendship with her.

A month later I have found out he has not told her this and she is still messaging him. Why won't he tell her? I have now basically just said all communications have to cease between them, but I feel guilty for giving him an ultimatum when they have been friends for a long time.

I don't want to seem like the badie but my self confidence and self esteem have taken a battering in the past in previous relationships where I have been cheated on emotionally and physically. I don't want to end this relationship but trust is a major factor to me and I don't want to have to keep feeling I need to check his phone to see if she is messaging him and if he is replying.

How can I make him understand how I feel and that it is not acceptable for her to keep sending him these messages and for him not to tell her about me?

Look, he knows how you feel. He doesnt want to stop communicating with her.

You can't control what he does. You can only control what you do.

Do you want to stay in a relationship with someone who stays in communication with a woman who wants to run away with him, and who refuses to tell her about you two? That's really the only choice you have to make here.

He knows it's not acceptable because you've told him. He's choosing to carry on anyway.

Although why he wants to be her shoulder to cry on while getting nothing in return, I don't know.

How can you even be bothered to waste time writing a thread about this man?

He’s insulting you and no you are not being controlling. He understand exactly how you feel he is showing you he doesn’t care.

Honestly if it were me I would end this now.

If he were really serious and committed to you he wouldn't still be entertaining her advances. I fear it's time to take the blinders off. He enjoys the attention he's getting from this other woman, and it doesn't bode well for your relationship.

Are you sure she wants more? Could you be reading too much into the situation? ESP if he is not acknowledging/encouraging it?

LTB

Does she know he has a girlfriend? If he's told her tha

You should message her and politely tell her your in a long term relationship with him .

whoops.....! if he's told her that and he's not encouraging her at all, then I'd say he's not doing too much wrong. Yes some might argue that by not telling her in no uncertain terms IS encouraging her, but I would say he's just trying to be kind. Also tone of voice is everything, how do you know she's not saying this in a jokey fashion? Talk to him again, tell him how hurt and threatened you feel, but in my eyes he's not done anything too horrendous so far. The problem is you'll still want to keep an eye on things (as would i) which isn't healthy.

If however, she knows nothing of you then scrap the above and I agree with the previous posters.

What @booboo24 said. Either he is disrespectful of your relationship, or you are controlling and making him pay for things that have previously happened to you.

Context is everything.

Life too short for this shit.

Either he ceases contact with her now and stops signalling to you he’s keeping his options open

OR

you part ways and be glad you’ve escaped a relationship with a White Knight leaving you playing second fiddle for the rest of your time with him to all his damsels in distress.

It sounds like he'd have the ability to cheat. If this woman is asking to run away with him, there's reasons why she's saying that other than her own problems. And he wont cut her off - what more do you need to know?

My ex was like that, turned out he was a womaniser. You'd never have guessed it if you met him or saw how lovely our relationship was.

He's revelling in the attention, having two women fawning over him.

His ego is being fed.

It's not a crime to have friends of the opposite sex, but if she's clearly stepping over the line and he's not defending your relationship, then you have a problem.

I wish I had had Mumsnet when this exact thing was going on just over 2 years ago with my then husband!!!

His started out as just a friendship, nothing more.
It's all well and good HIM being there for her however these are conversations she SHOULD be having with HER partner. Advise him of this!!! This 'friend' must & will have other friends right, so why only say these things or talk to your partner? Because he is allowing it. If he didn't want it too, he would politely say ' I understand you've got a few problems & want to talk however recent conversations have made me feel uneasy & also my partner. I am in a commited relationship & while I find what your saying flattering I am not interested in having a relationship with you. He would make it clear that YOU are a priority & not her.

Years ago getting close to someone was done face to face however now forming a physical, mental & emotional bond can so easily be done via other methods. We all thrive off of attention and that attention can be got in so many way & not just face to face.

I never though my ex of over 15 years would ever have an affair!!! He did but what amuses me more is that he never wanted the 'lets break up discussion' because it would cause an arguement however having an emotional turned full blown affair wouldn't!!!! Go figure

There is no point in your ultimatum other than to show you're needy, insecure and distinctly lack in self respect. He's having an emotional affair (Google it) and does not value your relationship enough to put a stop to it even after being asked to do so. That would be the death knoll for that relationship for me. You cannot control him and even if you could make him stop, it's what his heart wants. Why would you settle for that? It's a relatively new relationship, you haven't spent years investing in it, assuming you haven't manged to cram a baby into such a short relationship if move on and find yourself someone worthy of you who will respect you because this guy just doesn't.

my self confidence and self esteem have taken a battering in the past in previous relationships where I have been cheated on emotionally and physically.

AND IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN.

So crack down on it hard and fast this time. Get rid, today. He doesn't respect you, and he's emotionally cheating.

Oh what a wanker. He doesn’t really care about you or your feelings OP, and he certainly cares about them less than he cares about having a woman on the back burner, stroking his ego. Not really the one is he?

The thing is you think you are in a committed relationship. He doesn't.
If he did, he would have told her about you and being in a relationship.
You've told him it bothers you. He continues on with it.

His actions say he isn't committed and keeping his options open and that he doesn't really care how you feel. Some guys call this the GFNG (good for now girl)

No use talking to hiim anymore. Either you put up with it or end it.