DP’s parents

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Before we had our baby everything was fine but now DP’s folks are driving me crazy. DP is a large part of the problem.

In summary:
Some of my family live abroad. When they fly over and spend time with DD, particularly my mum, DP tells me his mum (who lives locally) will get upset. He makes digs about my family taking over and they really get to me.

I’ve insisted on having DD’s first Christmas at our new house, everyone welcome. DP says his mum who is hosting at hers is elderly and extremely sensitive and I am a spoiled princess. DP’s sister rang him in tears about us not going last night.

DP’s folks insisted on DD being christened. We weren’t fussed but agreed. DP’s mum is now insisting it’s on a date where his sister who lives in New Zealand happens to be visiting. This means some of my family and friends won’t be able to come. DP’s mum said they get to go to plenty of occasions and her daughter misses everything. DP is putting pressure on me to do it on this date.

We had a big row the other night and ended up agreeing DP would manage his family without involving me and he would stop making digs about mine. I’ve said unless things improve the christening won’t be happening full stop. I plan to distance myself from his family who seem to live in fear of upsetting his mum. I feel she had her kids and made the decisions - DD is my daughter and now I get to make them. DP thinks I’m a cow.

Am I playing this right? It’s the only thing we argue about and I’m tired of it.

Oh dear, oh dear..!

You have what is commonly known as a DP problem. He’d rather piss you off, than piss off his mummy

She’s using hysterics and emotional blackmail to get her own way and in turn it’s causing arguments when you don’t fall in line.

OP, stand firm. Like you’ve stated, you are her mother and YOU get to decide what happens.

If you don’t stand firm, she’ll trample all over your boundaries and continue to use your DP as her whipping boy.

I would also be having a word with him as well, he has no place telling you his mummy is upset because your mother is visiting! He needs it pointing out, that his mother probably spends more time with DD and she needs to get over the jealousy. I would also say, you will not tolerate any name calling etc because you are not doing as she says.

Personally, I wouldn’t have a christening (if you want a celebration, why not have a naming ceremony?) and if l did it would be on a date of MY choosing.

With regard to Christmas, you are absolutely doing the right thing. But with the christening, if you are not fussed then why wouldn’t you do it when his family can visit? You could do something meaningful to you with your own family on another date. It really does not matter.

1. He makes digs about my family
2. I am a spoiled princess
3. DP thinks I’m a cow.

Why are you with him????
He doesn't sound very nice at all.

What are his good points?

Name calling and separation from family is near the start of abuse, which often begins or becomes worse in pregnancy or after the birth. Has he started to break/lose your things or blame you on a wider scale yet?

He does not see you as a family. He is putting himself in the position of control and using his wider family to assert control.

He need not have said these words, he could have compromised, you are blaming his family...but the clear problem you are not facing is him!

They all love way too much drama. I'm secretly hoping you find a church that only does Christenings on set days.

Couldn’t agree more with the PP.

Thanks for the responses. The name calling surprises me as he’s never done it before. We’ve been together ten years and barely argued. He’s always been perfectly reasonable. When we rowed recently his friend told him he should tell his family to back off and prioritise me and DD. He thought it was ridiculous, his mum is old and won’t be around forever.

I am totally blaming him, I feel he should manage his family and not let them impact on me and DD. Mine have their moments too and I sort it out. It’s got to the point where I’m wary of getting the families together as mine is loud and sociable, his is small and reserved. DP has a habit of saying beforehand, only since we had DD, that mine had better not take over. What he expects me to do I don’t know! But it puts me on edge. And the comparing of the grandmas is ridiculous. They are chalk and cheese.

I think there are deep rooted issues in his family that have come to the surface. He said in the past he loves how close my family are and he feels his mum tries to engineer a closeness in his.

I feel like I want to back away at the speed of light which is a shame as I’ve always got on well with them. I hate drama. Maybe I should be the bigger person about the christening.

his mum is old and won’t be around for ever - I should tell him unless he backs you up, you won’t be around for ever either

She’s awful and your DP is not behaving in away that is right or normal. Why is he trying to keep mummy dearest happy, but name call you and behave unreasonably with you?

The only reason they are quiet, is because she’s well trained her DC to do as she wants.

Stop even second guessing cancelling the christening. It’s what she wanted and she’s still not happy with your compromise.