Relationship with my Mother is breaking down

[RolySquirrel]

Hi, any words of advice would be welcome.

My mum offers me no support what so ever. Emotional, practical, financial, absolutely nothing. It makes me feel so unloved. She has absolutely no interest in my life. She only sees me so she can visit my son.
She literally wont do anything for me, even picking up some nappies for my child from the shop or her way to see me.
When I see her she just quizzes me about what my son has learnt to do.
Our relationship is so empty now. She doesn't know me at all. Our "conversation" is so awkward.
It makes me so sad. My friend moved house this week and her parents travelled across the country to help her. I feel so envious.

I should add, my early childhood was great, this started when I was 14 and my parents divorced but it has got significantly worse since my son was born.

Funnily enough I’ve just posted about my own relationship with my mother literally going down the pan. It’s been years of pent up resentment. And yes she’ll do anything for her friends, my kids, and her son but resents doing anything for me. We used to be close but now our relationship has become toxic. I have no words of advice unfortunately, but it might help to know you’re not alone and you are doing a great job as a mum. It hurts, I know

Thank you, I'm so sorry you are feeling the same, but just to have someone understand how much it hurts helps so much.

How often do you see your mum? I'm trying to reduce the amount I see mine as it's just so upsetting.

Wow Oshkosh, I've just read your thread, cant believe we posted at the same time, just so many similarities

I pay my mum to look after my kids while I work.we used to be so close but now it’s like she just sees it as a business arrangement Literally she doesn’t bother any other time. It’s just nursery pick up, maybe make lunch and wait til we come home. I’ve since had a blazing row with her as I’m sick of being treated like a bad person while my brother who barely makes an effort with her is out on a pedestal and I’m constantly left out of any family get togethers. There is no mother/ daughter time between us now. Our relationships been going down hill for years for many reasons and I really think it’s over now. She’s now told my teenage son she won’t be looking after them while we work tomorrow so I’m basically screwed now as I have no one else to ask. For so many reasons now it’s like she’s just giving up caring about me and as a mum it hurts.

My mother was exactly the same, no interest whatever in me and never offered to help with anything - in fact the opposite, in my 20s it was always me helping her. I never had children so she didn't have that excuse to show an interest. I'm a few decades ahead of you and believe me it hasn't got any better. I went minimal contact about 20 years ago, I moved a few hours away so I didn't have to see her.

Do what is best for you. If you feel unsupported and undermined, don't feel obliged to include her.

I’m literally now planning on life without her, it’s incredibly hard not having a dad either and my In laws aren’t any help. I swear my and my hubby are the black sheep’s of the family

Same here, she babysits when I need to work (I do very occassional random days) but it's a business arrangement and I suspect she is noting down all the hours to throw back at me some point in the future ('"look how much childcare Roly forced me to do") as she loves to appear to be the victim in any scenario. She always claims to want to babysit "whenever you need me" but actually will only do it between 11am till 3pm. I think she wants to appear helpful (to others) but not actually go out of her way to help, even if I am really struggling. And when she does babysit she moans how hard and awful it was!!

Before I had my son we would meet for lunch and chat. That hasn't happened since he was born - no mother daughter time at all.

It does really hurt, I just cant imagine giving up caring for my son!! I would do anything to help and support him!!

My dad is alive but I haven't seen him in nearly a decade - this was his choice. Makes me wonder what sort of awful daughter I must be!!

Me and my hubby would very occasionally ask her to sit round why we went out for a date, but for the last year we haven’t bothered as she’d always make it so difficult for us we’ve basically given up asking.

It’s crap as we literally have no one else and I’d always felt bad asking otherwise. It’s hard not having the support though as it affects other relationships.

And yes my mum is very much the victim, If I say I’m tired she’s more tired, if I feel unwell she feels much worse, But she comes across to everyone else as lovely which makes it all the more maddening as you start to question yourself

It’s not you, it’s her.

She’s not the mother you want her to be, you can’t change that or her, you can only change how you feel.

Same with my mum. She’s never been there for me, helped me or supported me. The 2 nails in the coffin were when my beloved dad died and she told me I had no reason to be upset and when I suffered a head injury overseas and she couldn’t be bothered visiting me. To the outside world she’s a model of the community.

I’m virtually NC with her (and happier for it). You can’t change how she is, you can only control how you feel and react.

When I confronted her about the night she sent me off when my father died ( many years after it had happened) I told her how hurt I was and she basically didn’t acknowledge it for years. She would say “ I’d just lost MY husband!” The last time I mentioned it she just said “haven’t you got over it now?”

Wow

Yes that's it, to everyone else she seems kind, gentle, friendly! But to me she is mean, rude, and manipulative! It messes with my head, because like you say, it makes you question yourself.

Wow Oshkosh, that must have hurt how mean. Such a lack of empathy or care.

@Oshkosh82 - that’s exactly what my mum said to me when my father died...... I had no reason to be upset as she’d lost her husband!

I realised then how cold and uncaring she was. Absolutely no thought for me or how I might feel.

Absolutely, I think when those words came from her mouth I saw her in a totally different light.

Unfortunately being related to someone, even a parent or child / AC, doesn't necessarily mean you'll like them or enjoy their company.

Toxic mother's, probably high in narcissistic/sociopathic traits. Siblings are the golden children and you are the scapegoats/black sheep.

They see themselves as eternal victims.

You are merely objects to them to be manipulated and grandchildren are an extension of them.

Start researching cluster b personality types. Also look up about Ccomplex Ptsd and Childhood Emotional neglect.

I've been MC with my mother for a year. No more covert manipulations.

NC*

Oh my goodness, just read this thread back for the first time since I wrote it. Wow.

Covid situation has not helped. We have barely spoken at all. She doesnt return my calls. She hasn't come to see us, even from a distance, as she is too scared of catching the virus. She sees no need to see me without my son (he is 2 so cannot social distance, but I can!). No need to ring me to offer support. Nothing. Our relationship is completely dead. And I'm not even that sad about it.

I'm ready to move on and leave her behind. Focus on my little family and leave her to it.

I want to do something to mark this change in my thinking. My turning away from my Mum, my refocusing on my own family. What should I do?

Could you find someone to fill the grandma role in your lives?

I've "adopted" a young colleague whose mother interjects with "can I stop you there?" if my young colleague says anything about her own life. Even if she asked her a question that she is replying to!

She's only supposed to respond in three words or less. More than "fine" because that's rude. But less than a complete sentence.

Conversations are to be mother talking and daughter actively listening.

She says the worst thing is that her mother isn't really interested in the grandchildren as little people. She just wants a snippet of info she can tell her friends such as "baby is crawling now".

So fill your life with people who ARE interested OP. I'm not likely to get grandchildren for decades if ever and my baby days are long done. I love having a young friend and little ones in our lives.

She says the worst thing is that her mother isn't really interested in the grandchildren as little people. She just wants a snippet of info she can tell her friends such as "baby is crawling now".

Yes, exactly this.

Yes that's it, she isnt really interested. If she was, she would have contacted us by phone over lockdown. She won't know my child at all now, too much time has passed.