Hi all, I hope I’m doing everything right as I’ve never posted on here before but I really need some advice or at least others points of view because I’m at a loss and feel like I’m going mad!
Long post...I’m sorry
My relationship with my mum I believe has come to an end. To be honest it’s always been a little turbulent over the years so I will start from the beginning.
I had a reasonably normal childhood with my parents and an older brother until my father died suddenly when I was 9. It turned all out lives upside down and I appreciate it was a very difficult time for my mum bringing up 2 kids alone. The evening my father died I was shipped off to stay with my mums cousin and her family who I knew but not well. My mum, brother and my grandmother stayed at home together grieving while I spent the whole night holding my emotions in and I believe this is partly why I feel like I do now.
From that day on I always felt in my own.
Even as I child my mum and brother would then joke about how I was adopted but I should be happy because they’d chosen me, I’d get so upset and pretend to run away but really hide behind furniture to her then laughing and saying “ oh look she’s run away again that’s a shame!”
My mum began dating a guy a few years after and wouldn’t have a lot of time for my brother and I. Of course then I just saw it made her happy and didn’t think anything of it, I’d come home from school, she’s pop some dinner under the grill and then spend the majority of the evening sitting in the guys car. She’d go on dates regularly and weekends away and we’d have someone from the family to come and watch us. Sadly my grandmother died and my small family become even smaller.
Fast forward to me becoming a teenager, I met a boy and fell into (what I thought was) love. My mum would constantly have a go at me for not spending time with me and accuse me of loving him more than her but in truth it was nice to be involved with a family, we’d go for days out and it felt good to get some attention. I stated to bunk off school and she’d go mad at me, telling me I was making her life a misery and telling everyone what a nightmare daughter I was. In the meantime my brother met a girl and they had an unplanned pregnancy. They both moved in with us and when their little girl was born my mum treated her like she was her own. She’d have her sleeping in her room so they could sleep and go to work, do all the feeding and take the baby out all the time. I just kept myself to myself.
After school I went to college and I remember coming home one day to my mother resentfully telling me my dream job was being advertised however, if I took it she’d lose out on money. I took the job, promising her I’d pay her housekeeping which I always did without fail. A little while later I asked her if she’d lend me £300 to but a horse ( which was my lifelong dream) that my best friend and I was going half’s on and she outright refused no, because I wouldn’t pay her back. I argued that I would as if never borrowed money before how did she know that, but still she refused. A few months later she lent my brother £1000 for something he wanted. My brothers girlfriend constantly used my mother’s name to rack up store cards and catalogues and nothing was ever said, my mum just paid them
Eventually my life moved on, I met the love of my life who has been my husband for now 15 years, and we have 3 children. Not long after we met my brother told us he was moving 250 miles away with his family. My mother quickly followed suit, ( she was single by then) I was in two minds. Eventually me and my husband followed and to this day now I believe it was the worst decision ever.
My brother had another child, his relationship broke down and he went on to marry someone else which again has since broke down. Now he is with someone else and has buggered off 400 miles away, we have spent 1 Christmas out of 11 with him as he had no care what my mum is doing he knew she’d spend it with me as I don’t want to think of her being alone. When he got married to his ex he went to the Maldives for two weeks and on his wedding night left my mum and one of his kids stranded at the venue. He hardly contacted us at all and it really hurt my mum. When I got married I asked my mum (as I have no other family and my in-laws are just as bad) if she’d look after my son for a weekend she refused as she didn’t want the responsibility and besides she’d never had a honeymoon either.
After my fist two children I looked hard to find a job, eventually securing an interview that would of taken an hour tops. I asked my mum to sit with the kids but she refused saying she was out with my brother that day. I ended up getting the job, after paying a friend to sit round for me.
I still have that job 8 years on and pay my my mum ( not a lot) to do nursery pick ups and make lunch for my youngest while me and my husband work. ( she no longer works herself) I am constantly told it’s too much for her can I pick her up, take her home, I’d I’m five minutes late she’s ringing me where am I?
It’s all come to a head and alL these years of being treated different to my brother despite always being the there for her had made me resent her. He does what he wants and whatever I do I pay for emotionally.
I only have a few close friends and some good friends at work, my mum would always tell me if I’d had a falling out with a friend “ well don’t be friends with her again! If you speak to her again I don’t want anything to do with you” Same if I’d have a row with my husband, she’d be annoyed with me when we’d make up!
My brother comes and visits her with his girlfriend and literally asked me to go out with them once, with no notice given. Since then they’ve gone for meals out I’ve seen on social media and again neither me or my husband or kids are invited. He’s also just proposed To his gf which my mum knew about before but didn’t mention it to me. They involve me in nothing.
We have now had a blazing row and she has told my eldest son after ignoring calls from both me and my husband that we have to
other arrangements for working as she can’t do it.
I feel she is literally taking pleasure in making my life a misery I’m totally stressed and she never, ever sees that I’m hurt! I feel so alone and all I really have is my husband and kids, I came here as I wanted to be with her as we don’t have any other family. I’m just so angry right now