I am not a vessel for her trauma

[El2El]

Posted about this recently in chat. I really just need to vent and find it cathartic to post about my mum here and the advice is often so galvanising.

I'm being induced at 39 weeks this Friday. My mum had 2 very traumatic births in the 80s. One was an induction - my big brother.

I'm a bit nervous about the induction. I've spoken to 2 midwives and friends who were induced at my hospital in the last few years and now feeling much more positive about the process and outcome. I also know what happens if each stage of the induction doesn't work.

In trying to keep a positive and calm frame of mind, I don't want to talk about all possible outcomes and I definitely don't want to talk about worst case scenario regarding pain and intervention.

My mum keeps totally ignoring me and trying to make me talk about 'well if xyz doesn't work, you know they'll do abc? And you know what that means?' etc.

She's made it very clear that she's trying to avail me of her experience and she is mightily offended and upset that I don't want it, given that it is dated and was so negative.

She's trying to make my induction and childbirth experience about her and she's cross with me for not letting her.

I'm so upset that I don't have a mother who can be sensitive and supportive when I need her. I don't know anyone else who would be happy to make a women who is 39 weeks pregnant and about to be induced feel so stressed out. Every significant event in my life is just another opportunity for her to relive something from her life. When I got married, when I fell pregnant both times, gave birth, moving house. It's always got to be about her or it leads to a conflict and it's meaning more and more, that i can't have a meaningful relationship with her. I'm just so sad.

Bump

Say once that you won’t discuss is with her and if she doesn’t listen to you, you will end the conversation.

Then do it. Hang up. Walk away whatever situation you are in, set your boundary then stick to it.

Birth is 100% about you and the baby. Nobody else. If she is making you anxious, back away until you are stronger.

Who cares if she is offended. That’s her look out. Not your concern. From now on your concern is your baby and your own health.

Get your dh/dp to run interference. They can answer your phone when she rings as you are unavailable. Don’t tell her you are in labour until after the arrival and you are recovered and have had time as a new family.

My 2p worth of advice is that when it comes to labour, it’s short and the love you get from is is wide. And don’t pay any attention to other people’s experiences. No two births are the same and your experience is uniquely yours and has zero to do with her experience.

Good luck

Thank you so much for that. I get so frustrated because I know that I need to be firmer with my boundaries. I did hang up on her earlier but answered when she called back. I don't know why I did it - maybe out of hope that she'd start showing some understanding.

Because of this absolute refusal she has to respect my boundaries, she won't actually be meeting her grand daughter until mid Jan, when she's be 4/5 weeks old (we live a few hours apart so have had to book it in advance). I can't have her come sooner because I don't want her taking advantage when I'm hormonal and tired.

I can totally feel your frustration here. My mam is the same. Although i dont think she means harm by it, but sometimes my mother just does not get social cues, has no compassion and cant just be supportive no questions asked! She has to put her 2p in, put a dampener on it and have the last say. Its so annoying. Me and my sister actually think she’s possibly on the spectrum from how she communicates sometimes!

Its easier said than done, but dont react to her reaction. Let her be in a huff. If you pay too much attention to her sulking you’ll wind yourself up.

Its your time. Your experience. Your choice. Thats the top and bottom of it. What may have been traumatic to her, could be a doddle to you. Mind over matter, you’ll smash it and regardless of how hard it is, you have you baby at the end of it which outweighs Everything!! ❤️

She doesn't know any other way to relate. She doesn't mean any harm, and can't understand why you don't like it.

That doesn't mean you should cave, of course.

Have you done Grey Rock? That will help, as it gives her much less to go at. It also offers fewer opportunities for you to be disappointed.

Totally agreed, Niki and Sprinkle. She definitely doesn't mean any harm at all. I know she's doing the best she can. When I explicitly say ' I don't want to have this conversation', that should be enough. It's so disrespectful and dismissive to continue.

I've also just realised she told someone I asked her not to tell. This person is a huge supporter of natural birth and was a massive help in my first pregnancy but would not be supportive of my being induced. My mum agreed not to tell her but it's become obvious this evening that she told this person anyway. I've had contact off of them that makes it obvious. I'm just losing all trust in her.

My mother did something similar in a different situation (a funeral rather than a birth), I told her to stop talking about it, she didn't so I put the phone down on her. When I rang her back and explained why I put the phone down, she started talking about it again. I had always limited what information I gave her about my life (so she didn't have 'ammunition') but at this point I finally gave up with her and went minimal contact.

Your mother is never going to change, you just have to change the way you deal with her. As others have said, you have to be very firm with your boundaries and do not let her overstep.

My mother now 84, she has never changed, she will go to her grave without having done so.

@Parahebe I feel like I'm edging closer and closer to that point. What you described with he phone call is exactly my experience this evening. I actually remember when a close relative died, I went straight into work rather than spending any time with my mum that day because I knew she wouldn't allow me to grieve in my own way. I've actually had a nightmare about her asserting her grief process over me!

I've started to share less and less with her but she doesn't like it and really pushes back against all my boundaries. It's really horrible.

I've actually just remembered a nightmare I had a few nights ago about her, the day before she came to visit for a few days. It was quite upsetting but the long and short of it was that a teenage boy was being physically abused. A social worker met with him, his mum and sister and the sent him upstairs to speak to his mum about who was abusing him. The boy looked to his sister, terrified, the mum looked over her shoulder with this horrifying expression and the sister realises that it was the mother physically abusing the son. I was the sister and it was my mother's horrifying face looking over the shoulder as they left the room. God, that was really intense (and unusual, I don't tend to have such vivid dreams).

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if you have the wisdom to know that it is important to hold your boundaries--good for you. You are 100 percent correct. You need your strength for the task that lies ahead. For your child. For yourself. This is where your future lies. It is a hard and brave thing you are doing. It is sad that your mother isn't the mother you need it. But at least you know it now and you won't be deceived. You can live in the real. And it will get easier. I promise you that.

Hi

Just quickly as I'm about to go into something, but I think the key is knowing she is not who youd like her to be and knowing the relationship has its limits.

Once people accept that, it makes it much easier. But it's like giving up on them. Not giving them anymore chances. Thinking 'meh' to their problems and not taking them on. Wondering who to ring for a natter, getting to their name and number and passing over it.

X

OP, clearly you can't change her.

Instead of giving her information and hoping she'll change, you need to accept some responsibility in this dynamic.

She is taking your peace and you are allowing her to.

Accept that you cannot change your mother.

Reduce your contact with her.
Reduce the information you give her.

As soon as she says something than you don't like, be ready with, "sorry I have to go".
Every single time.

Take control of how you feel.
Accept that she is not the confidante you would like. Accept this.

You will have a baby soon.
Focus on this happy time.
Don't allow it to be spoilt.

Do not have your mother to visit until you feel able to be with her.

Your responsibility is to your baby.
Not to your mother.

💐

My DM is trying to do something similar re: making the birth all about her/being spectacularly tactless, patronising, unhelpful.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to happen, what is likely to happen, what - if anything - I would regret. She's already said she wants frequent updates on what is happening so she doesn't worry. I pointed out that if she doesn't know anything is happening she won't worry at all (that didn't go down well )

I'm actually booked in for ELCS. However, I have not told DM this. I'm not going to tell her. I'm not going to tell her when I go into hospital. I might get DH to contact her and let her know of baby's hopefully safe arrival after visiting hours for that day have ended. (Visiting hours are pretty limited and don't start until 3 pm each day) That way DH and I will get a decent chunk of time just the three of us and I won't have to deal with her at my most vulnerable. Or I might get DH to convey that visitors are not welcome just yet. I will see how I feel.

DM is not evil, she's just got the emotional intelligence of a lampshade and I cba to work around that when I've just given birth. I do wish we had the kind of relationship where I don't have to keep anything remotely personal secret or she'll end up upsetting me about it, but we don't. In years gone past I've tried to almost force a closer relationship (usually through confiding in her or asking for advice about something) and every single time I've had my fingers burnt. This time, it's a big deal to me, to my DH and for my DD (fingers crossed), and I will not let her spoil it. It's a shame, but it's for the best.

Can you minimise contact with your DM over the next few days? You haven't mentioned a partner at all - is your DM going to be your birth partner? If not, can you put your birth partner in charge of gate-keeping?

Perhaps she means well and is just trying to prepare you for the worst.
I don’t think ‘birth / labour’ stories are ever particularly helpful because everyone is different.
Won’t be long now. She’ll be telling you how to feed change wind dress the list is endless.
Good luck.