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Original poster

What are your thoughts on caring for parents as they age when they were 'pretty rubbish' parents when you were growing up?

31 replies

Leapoffaith00 · 10/12/2019 18:26

Exactly that really?
How much are you supposed to give/care/visit? When you had an awful upbringing due to their selfish decisions. Not just immediate decisions but on going ones for 25 years.

OP posts:
Mermaidsinthesand · 10/12/2019 18:33

I'd return the selfish behaviour ten fold but interesting to see what others say

countdowntochristmas · 10/12/2019 18:35

My dm yes but my dad hell no . My brothers can sort him out and failing that the government.
It'll be his own fault so no guilt there .

helacells · 10/12/2019 18:36

It all depends on what they did. Extreme ongoing abuse would mean no obligation to care. Normal parenting mistakes or family clashes would mean yes you take care of them in their old age.

isitpossibleto · 10/12/2019 18:38

They’ll have to find me first

Aussiebean · 10/12/2019 18:39

Can’t see any of my siblings taking an active role in our mothers elderly care.

And I am sure she will out live us all just to spite us.

crosser62 · 10/12/2019 18:40

Fil..hell no. I have no time for that man, I will not be offering my services.

My mum, she had faults but then there were circumstances that I better understand now as a logical thinking adult so yes. I am now in that position where health is slowly going down hill so it’s all behind us as she needs me.

SummerPavillion · 10/12/2019 18:41

My plan is to make sure dm's cared for, but not by me, hoping we can raise the cash between her/me/dsis and family.

Don't do what my dm did with her dm - looked after her personally for years, resented every moment, and even slapped her in frustration once Shock

It was a horrible situation for all concerned.

brassbrass · 10/12/2019 18:42

No guilt. They never gave a nano second to my needs or feelings and their behaviour in old age is still pretty selfish. I find it difficult to muster any sympathy and only visit them when it fits in with my other priorities. They have my siblings not sure what I'd do if I was an only child though!

VanyaHargreeves · 10/12/2019 18:49

I expect I'll be the one that helps look after DM.

As far as my father is concerned, his input into my life was minimal as a child, aside from times he was wilfully cruel.

He is now 75 and bewildered by my total absence in his life. He blames my mental health for my being "odd" towards him but would neglect to acknowledge or admit that he was the cause of at least a third of my MH difficulties and another of his children can take another third

He thinks they are wonderful but When the time comes they will stick him in the cheapest home available and never visit.

khaleesi71 · 10/12/2019 18:50

I will care for my DM - she's been there for everyone and drives me nuts but is a lovely person. My DDad is another story and similar to DH DM in that both seem to take delight in telling us they've spent our inheritance (we didn't expect any - it's their term not ours, but the crowing is beyond irritating) and they're done with 'parenting' (in my dads case it was leaving us at home whilst he was shagging his various OW whilst DM was at work). dMIL was too focussed on her new partner to bother with her children so parenting is a loose term. As is caring I find. FIL also violent and abusive Disney dad so DH also not fussed! Do what you feel is right for you.

lifeisgoodagain · 10/12/2019 18:52

I will ensure mine are cared for, don't plan on doing it myself but am actively plotting my future to be closer geographically, I want to be able to pop for the morning rather than a whole weekend now.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/12/2019 18:55

I think when it comes to care you can't give what you don't have. Plenty of people who didn't have bad childhoods would be unable to become their parents carers in old age.

Redcliff · 10/12/2019 18:58

I guess it depends on how bad the parenting was. My dad wasn't around much as he had an all consuming hobby (which included going out Christmas morning) and worked in the evenings. But he has been a pretty good grandfather- picking up my son every other Friday from school for years.

MrsApplepants · 10/12/2019 18:58

Well I’ll still be working full time to put food on the table, so I’m not sure how I can be expected to do anything. Parents have enough money to pay for their own care needs.

ConfidenceCrisis44 · 10/12/2019 19:07

I've decided to be the bigger person.....step dad was vile to me and siblings when we were young. 30 years and lots of acrimony later and he has severe dementia and has become a very frail, vulnerable old man. I take him to gp/hospital appts etc on behalf of my mum...and in fact the dementia has softened him and he often grabs my arm and tells me Im a good girl. Wierdly I still don't forgive him for what he was before, and never will.

PizzaExpressWoking · 10/12/2019 19:26

Depends what the parenting was like.

In my case, DM will get adequate physical care if I can arrange it. I won't be doing it personally, though. I will see her as little as possible and will not feel bad about that. She is a nasty person, but she fed us and washed our clothes when we were kids, so I guess she gets the same back.

I fully sympathise with those whose childhoods have led to them going NC and avoiding all involvement with care. I also sympathise with those who would like to give care to their loving DPs, but are unable to do so.

keepingbees · 10/12/2019 19:36

I'd see my parents are alright but not go overboard. Didn't have a great childhood and they've been completely unsupportive of me as an adult.
My in laws can sod off. They're beyond selfish, self absorbed people and have never done a thing for us. I couldn't care less about them.

flamingnoravera · 10/12/2019 19:38

I'm now in this position, an only child of a mother who was hideous to me as a child. I've no choice but to look after her- at arms length- she's got dementia and in a care home (which I've had to sort out and arrange payment for from her money) I thought it would be easy but even this demands weekly visits, listening to her tell me it's my turn now because she looked after me when I was small and how wonderful I am. It's 56 years too ducking late to tell me this. I grit my teeth and only visit when there's a mealtime coming up so I've a reason to leave. She wants kiss me and I recoil, I want my life back but I've got years of this and I hate it. But if I don't do it, who will?

Ohffs66 · 10/12/2019 19:42

Not an awful upbringing as such, but not much love or affection around and no real emotional or practical support growing up. As a result I dont have a close or bonded relationship with her as an adult. No major issues or arguments in years, just not at all close. She has asked repeatedly how she's going to be cared for as she gets older ("it's great you've got no children isn't it you'll have more time to look after me"). I've told her I'll help make sure she's in a decent nursing home if it comes to that and visit regularly. She was horrified I apparently think 'so little of your own mother' as to not want her to move closer so I can actively care for her...you reap what you sow aye?

PizzaExpressWoking · 10/12/2019 19:42

flamingnoravera - you really don't have to. Nobody has to.

Cut it back to every fortnight, then every 3 weeks. Then cut it back some more. You really don't owe her this.

Parahebe · 10/12/2019 20:51

I'm in this situation now, and have been for several years. My mother has dementia. She was neglectful and never remotely interested in me, and because of that I would never have done any hands-on care for her.

Fortunately she inherited some money so she could pay for care, so I am prepared to arrange and oversee it for her - and that's it. She's now in a care home and I visit every 3 or 4 weeks to check she's being well cared for (she is).

I find even this much quite difficult, it involved a lot of logistical aggravation at the stage of moving her out of her home into a care home, and I would rather have nothing to do with her. But we don't have any other relatives so if I don't do it, no one will. I've put limits on what I am prepared to do, and it's doable.

busylifebusywife · 10/12/2019 20:54

I won't be looking after either of my parents after being the scape goat my entire life the best thing I've done is going no contact. My precious brother who is also against me can do it 👍

HereForTheHelp · 10/12/2019 21:04

Even though my dad was physically abusive, it's him I'd want to help in his old age. I don't think I'd feel obligated to help my mother as she's done nothing but gaslight me about the abuse for my entire life.
It's complicated, I definitely love my Dad more than my Mum but she's never physically harmed me. The brain is a funny old thing.

For me, I'd hope I'd be in a place that means I don't feel guilty about choosing the right thing to do for ME, so if that means leaving them to it in their old age, then so be it

FrenchBoule · 10/12/2019 21:30

Just no.
Abusive to me and sibling and neglectful( think no food,clothes, dirty).
Told me to stay away when hooked up with last partner,made his wish granted.
Zero guilt here, lots of anger since I had my own kids as I can’t understand how can you do it to a child.
At least it showed me what parent shouldn’t be.

OldElPasoHadAChicken · 10/12/2019 21:34

If I mirrored my childhood onto their elderly care, it would be to randomly throw money at any situations unless if actually asked for it, and demand respect and adoration in return even though it wasn't asked for. I'd leave them to roam like feral people in the warmer months. They won't get their weekly pension unless they do very strict chores in the home which are apparently never done to a satisfactory level. And they'd better go to bed at 6pm, behind blackout blinds, even though all the other pensioners in the district are up three hours later than that on average. Don't eat that salad? You'll sit there til you do, Mummy.