Should I give him an ultimatum?

[alexia84]

Hi I’m a 29 year old woman, my partner is 10 years older and has 3 children from 2 previous partners. We have a 1 year old together.

He sees nothing of his first two children except occasional phone calls (never sends birthday cards/money etc) and same goes for his other child although he does really idolise his Dad. He had fairly frequent contact with his son from second relationship until he messed that up too by being violent in front of him. Is mother now allows contact when we are in the area. He’s been off drugs and drink etc for about 6 months although he’s still selfish (expects me to take brunt of childcare, do all cleaning, cooking, organising while he spends the majority of his time doing what he wants and watching tv). He could easily get a job to relieve financial pressure (we survive on my benefits only) but refuses too because he thinks he can’t be employed because he’s a recovering drug user. I met him at a vulnerable time in my life and it somehow progressed from there. I don’t take drugs/drink etc now and everyone tells me I’m an excellent mum to our son but I worry for my son because of the direct effect his dad is having on me. I try to squash everything down to everyone including my partner because I hate confrontation.

The mother of his first two has full custody of them, he was granted weekend access in court after a bad split/restraining order/years of domestic abuse and drug use but he says she stopped him from seeing them after she found out he had another girlfriend who he quickly had another child with.

I’m emotionally/physically exhausted after 3 years of hell and depressed when I imagine a future with him, despite that, I obviously have conflicted feelings as on some level I still desire him and love him and have remained with him..the reasons for which I’m actually not sure.

His family all think everything is absolutely wonderful between us because he’s shocked them giving up a long standing drug habit but I struggle a lot every day with his sulks, selfishness, laziness, him being sexually demanding and constantly groping me etc, treating me like his maid because I AM his maid, buggering off out and leaving me alone most days at home with our child.

I don’t know what to do, we rent a house together in another part of the UK from our families that we moved away together to and I love it (but I pay so am main tenant) and I simply don’t have the heart to ask him to leave or throw him out as I don’t know what would happen. I’d have to change my whole life too and relocate which is an extra added stress factor. I know I am an idiot for letting this man into my life and drag me down so far. I dream of having freedom and peace and rebuilding myself without having to look after an overgrown self entitled child. His ex (mother to his last son) is also causing me some problems constantly requesting money from him (My money) and moaning he doesn’t support her or their son when she was warned not to have a child with him and did so anyway after a very short amount of time being together. I can’t face another long healing process I feel I’ve gone through enough... I know I could stand on my own two feet financially without him but I feel if I ever approach the subject of not being with him I am potentially opening a huge can of worms and provoke another depressing period of my life. I don’t know if I have the strength to do it that’s why I stay and pretend to everyone (including him) things are great. What do I do?

Very complex situation with a very simple answer.

Kick him out. Relocate. Do whatever you need to get away from him. It's the only way you will ever be happy, and it's the right thing to do for your dc.

This is no life for you or your child.

But how do I do that? I’m sorry I sound naive but I’ve never lived with another partner and I’ve never kicked anyone out. I’ve broken up with one of my ex partners and I literally just walked out his house. Could so,some give me an outline as to how I would handle the scenario?

You already know what to do (leave him and relocate). But you may need practical help to do that.

Who can help? What do you need help with?

Why do you need to kick him out? You are renting, right? Crack on with your relocation. Do you know where you will move to?

Is it simply a case of packing up stuff/disappearing/coming back to my parents and getting him to sort his stuff out (wouldn’t trust him to actually leave/not trash/ransack the house) It’s a two day journey from my parents to my house where we live with him. I love my house and I have all my things there, I don’t drive, have no friends there who could help me, specialist healthcare is available there and practically no where else in the uk. PLUS I would anticipate a huge depression/guilt/doubting myself etc AND looking after my son too

This is the key:
I dream of having freedom and peace and rebuilding myself without having to look after an overgrown self entitled child.

Right now you are in the pain phase not the healing phase.
I can’t face another long healing process I feel I’ve gone through enough
You've got this the wrong way round. Think of it like this I can't face going through any more. I've gone through enough. I need to be healed.

How can you get to the better life? You know it.
I know I could stand on my own two feet financially without him

You are afraid of the work of splitting up but honestly being free makes the work much less depressing. Every tedious/stressful task you do will move you closer to your new happy future. Right now every tedious/stressful task you do is pain management, fear management, doing someone elses shitwork.
I feel if I ever approach the subject of not being with him I am potentially opening a huge can of worms and provoke another depressing period of my life.

I think it will provoke a happy period in your life. Yes, it will be stressful at first but maybe that will be good stress, the kind where you see things getting better, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I say get away from him as fast as humanly possible. Tell as few people as possible just get yourself away. Don't worry about him and how he will cope. He doesn't worry about you does he?

I don’t know where I would move to, possibly nearer my parents

Ending a depressing situation will probably make you feel great, not worse. You underestimate how awful he is making your life, and how much sweeter it will be without him.

Leave him. No problem is insurmountable. It will be hard and you may wonder if you have done the right thing.
But you must put your son first and leave.
Go to your parents, take with you what you can, but leave.

Sorry, from your original post I thought that you needed to relocate to be near your parents. Is that not the case? Here, let's plan: where do you want to move? Or would you like to stay where you are?

PLUS I would anticipate a huge depression/guilt/doubting myself etc

This is THE problem. The law is on your side. Morality is on your side. Finance is on your side. You can have him out of your place any time you want and the police would back you up.

Do you have access to any counselling good moral support? Done the Freedom Programme? Spoken to Women's Aid?

Can you call your mum or dad and tell them you need help. Can they come and get you ? At least for the Christmas period while you get some distance between the two of you. You could also explore housing options etc while you were there. You need someone who can support you in RL while you get sorted.

And don't factor him into your decision to relocate or not. What do YOU want?

Who do you rent from? Is his name on the tenancy? I would contact them as a first step and find out if he has any rights. Then assuming he doesn't, wait til he is out, get a family member or friend round for support, pack up some of his stuff and text him to say you are splitting up, you dont want to live with him any more, he can come and get his stuff. You could always book him into a cheap b and b for a night if he doesnt have anywhere to stay. Then change the locks, notify the council you are now single so you get the discount and work out how you want to communicate with him about access arrangements for your child (though it doesnt sound like he will be bothered).

Why relocate - to be away from him I guess?
You dont love him you love the idea of what you want him to be. He’s violent, doesnt care for his kids, takes drugs, gropes you, is selfish and lazy... you dont love him. How could you?
Love yourself instead and get away - you’ll be so relieved!

You mentioned that he moved away from his family to be with you, that your name is on the tenancy, he doesn't earn, he costs money to keep, you like living where you are.

Easy answer: you kick him out and he goes back to his family.

Tell people that his behaviour is putting your own recovery at risk so he has to go. Then refuse to discuss with them. They don't get to know the details, just he's not capable of being a good partner or father right now, you have to concentrate on keeping you and your son healthy, so he is leaving.

You don't have to arrange sending him back. All you have to do is tell him to leave. He can work out who to call himself.

He is a grown up and you are not his mum. If you want him to leave your home, he has to leave and look after himself. He has found a very cost berth with you, but his past history shows him that his relationships don't last. Pack him up while he is out. Book him a night in a B&B. Change the locks. Call the police if he causes trouble. If you really can't do this you will have to relocate to be rid of him. Best of luck.

Hi everyone
Thanks for your responses it means a lot to me.
Just to be clear, I can't leave my house. Rent is simply too expensive elsewhere and besides that I love my place and the area.
I think the problem is that I am very afraid to leave. If I had a reasonable partner I wouldn't be afraid to leave. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What happened?

Are you afraid of forcing him to leave?

Do you know how you would go about doing it successfully and safely? It is possible. You could stay and have a lovely future.

Yes I am afraid of forcing him to leave. I'm afraid of him in more than one way. For example if he does or says something to me that is unfair or horrible he literally just brushes it over and acts like it was never said. I find that quite disturbing. For instance, most nights he gets very irritable at our son waking up - swears, says "for fucks sake", "shut up", etc and I say to him stop talking like that you're so short tempered and irritable and last night he had the audacity to respond (he has said this many times before by the way it just infuriated me last night particularly) "well it's not like you're fucking doing anything is it?" I told him he was a prick and to grow up and that letting him give our son a bottle isn't making him do everything. Doing everything is what I do - like I said I'm his maid. I cook on demand, I clean, do all the washing, A LOT of the childcare especially when he's out doing what he wants or at "recovery" meetings, and I also happen to pretty much be his sex slave. This morning as usual it's like nothing was ever said. I'm thinking of going back to women's aid and asking them for help with this. In the meantime any suggestions as to how to handle this nightly occurrence? I don't want our son to hear arguing or swearing a lot I feel awful.

Do get in contact with Women's Aid. They can help you learn how to safely get him out.

You can't do anything about him being a dickhead at night, or ever.

How about you

(1) decide in your own mind that he will be leaving (even though you don't know how to make it happen yet)
(2) Contact Women's Aid, ask things on boards here, use any resource you can find to help you plan how to get him out and keep him out.
(3) While planning, put up with his shit so he doesn't realise what's coming. Knowing you have an exit plan will make it easier to tolerate him for a few more days/weeks.

In response to those who have asked what I want. Specifically it boils down to these things which I think would be important for improving my Alef esteem, mental health and general optimism and self belief in life.

If partner had a job and provided financially
If he wasn't a sulky, self entitled, demanding child on and off so it doesn't play with my emotions (yes probably not changeable I know)
If he wasn't obsessed with sex and didn't get sulky when I don't want it
If be wasn't selfish and irresponsible with money
If he didn't spend so much time obsessing about hobbies and not practical things be could be doing to help the family
Most importantly if he appreciated ME, MY TIME alone, to do what I want, to parent how I want, to watch crap TV if I want etc etc. Everything is controlled and complained about if not on his terms. He doesn't like me resting, choosing, having a say. It's tiring and depressing and I WANT a break.
He expects me to do stressful things when I'm already exhausted from childcare etc and he's done practically nothing.
He's kind of boring ... Conversation kind of revolves around historic stories about "funny shit" his mates did 20 years ago.
He's not particularly interesting to talk to, endearing or charming although we do sometimes have a real laugh and really gel although its somewhat short lived.
I'm scared of his family ringing me and blaming me if I ask for a break/him relapsing/being made out to be the witch
I'm scared he may resort to violence or threats.
I'm scared he's too immature to understand my need for space and time to really think I feel so crowded by him all the time he's so full on.
Don't get me wrong he has brought good things into my life but they are few and far between
Without my supervision he has no ability to plan ahead fo my sons needs. His abilities extend to entertaining him for an hour or two.
He's so easily stressed
He smokes constantly and always wants money for tobacco

Women's aid can hel

That is not a description of what you want out of life.

It is list of what is wrong with other people.

It is a list of how you want another person to behave, which is contrary to how he wants to behave.

Can you describe what you want your life to be like? Rewrite anything that requires other people to change behaviour.

Do you want a peaceful calm atmosphere in your home? Do you want more disposable income? Do you want conversation with interesting adults about things that interest you? Do you want to see friends more? What do you want?

I want to live with my son happily and peacefully. Plan freely for.tje future without his input. Not be an extra added thought while he uses.my money and goes out doing hobbies instead of providing and taking advantage of me. I want (if j did have a new partner) them to be patient with my son, understanding of mental health and need for space and not self obsessed and obsessed with getting attention of everyone. I want to see my family more (travel with my son on my own) and spend my time with them as I choose without constant complaints. I want to possibly start a college course or start looking at job options without being blocked. I want to feel safe in my own space without his presence feeling threatening or overbearing.

I also don't want to be at his beck and call sexually. He wants it so much it's a turn off. I kind of of just want to be friends for the sake of our son and ultimately I need a break. If I did ask him to leave I'd need police input. Not to be dramatic but he can be very violent in such situations I'm not convinced he's overcome his serious jealousy issues.