Not sure what to do....

[Robbie316uk]

Hi, me and my ex broke up just over 6 months ago, I was taking her for granted and was not helping out with the kids as much as I should have, very shortly after she started a relationship with my best mate, this hurt as you can imagine and I was in a bad place, we spoke again properly without arguing 2 weeks ago and over this weekend she has told me she loves me, broken up from her boyfriend spend lots of time with me, we have been out, had fun together and she said how sorry she was and she wants to date, have fun and start again, then yesterday A few hours after having that discussion she decided that she wanted time and space to sort her head out and I am so confused what to do. I have said I will give her that but did she mean what she said before or is she doubting all that again. Any help would be appreciated as I am totally out of ideas.

Do you want to get back together with her ? Assuming you do, you should look at the reasons she ended it with you and try to work on them.

She says you were not helping out with her kids, is that right ? Or are they your joint kids ? If so, it’s not “ helping her “ , it’s called being a parent. So start being a good dad. That involves time and effort.

She said you took her for granted. So stop doing that - consider her needs and show appreciation for what she does raising your kids.

Pay child support at more than the bare legal minimum. Agree reasonable times for the kids to stay with you and stick to whatever you agree.

Once you have done that for 6 months, she might see that you have changed.

I think she has gone from your relationship to a rebound one, realised that wasn't working out, and thought she'd bounce back to you. Then she's realised there's a reason you two broke up and she needs to work on herself and spend time alone and be sure what she wants. Which is a lot nicer than getting back with you and then dumping you all over again, which would be devastating.

As a PP said, if your DC are joint then try to be a more involved parent, make sure you're taking them out on your own (unless they are young enough to be BF still) and reliably paying child maintenance in addition to picking up some every day costs eg school uniforms, if you drop them off at school then you do packed lunch or lunch money that day, general clothes and shoes, sports club fees, etc.

If the DC aren't joint then I think you just need to back off, give her the space and time she needs, and wait for either to come back or fade away.

We have 2 kids together and she has one from a previous relationship, I already pay at a higher level and cover a lot of my ex’s stuff as I know she is struggling. I admit I wasn’t the best parent and I have spend 6 months working on that, I see my kids every time I can and we do fun stuff together. The thing is she has done all this for me (splitting up, spending time with me, telling me she wants to give this a go) and then just went cold again....is it fear that nothing will change or something else. She has never in her life been on her own she struggles with that so I know that I don’t have 6 months to prove it...but the weekend went so well and the stuff she was saying to me all pointed in the direction of getting back together

i have worked for the last 6 months trying to change and show her that I have changed, she was and still is the love of my life and as she said only yesterday morning I am the love of hers, I don’t want her to regret anything which is why I will take a step back in some things (obviously not with the kids) we left each other last night after she said she needed headspace with a kiss and it was just as passionate from both sides as it’s been all weekend, I hope that in a few days we can go back to talking, we are due to go out Friday for our sons birthday so hopefully that will help

I see my kids every time I can and we do fun stuff together

But you also need to be doing the 'shitwork' not just the fun stuff... The getting them ready for school in the morning, helping them do their homework, cooking and laundry and packed lunches... reminding them to brush their teeth.Organising birthday parties and playdates and ferrying them around when it's tipping down with rain...

And you need to reassure your ex that she is more than just their mother, that you can make her feel like a million dollars.

Be thoughtful. Be respectful.

If she's asked for space, give her space. Good luck.

I work from 6-6 Monday to Friday so I very rarely get too do school pick ups and drop offs....but when I am off work do. They are 3 and 1 so some stuff doesn’t apply but I do the things I can, getting them dressed, changing them, cooking, sorting out the clothes but I try and keep it as fun for them as possible.

I have tried to reassure her of that I said that too her last night before I left....I don’t want this to mess up, I hope she gets her head sorted and hopefully gives me the chance to prove things to her that’s all I want

Just an update on this she has now got back with the rebound and if I am honest I am destroyed