Relationship breakdown with dad - feeling lost

[sparklychristmaslights]

(Name changed but am a regular)
I'm feeling really lost at the moment and I think it's stemming from my relationship with my Dad.

He and my mum broke up when I was really young and for a few years I saw him a few times a month. He got remarried and gradually saw him less due to not feeling that welcome in their home and my mum making things as awkward as she could for him. I didn't see him at all from about 14-18. I should state that during my childhood my DM was emotionally, and at times, physically abusive to me. Anyway, we somehow rekindled our relationship to some extent and saw each other every so often for a good few years, in this time I got married and had my own DC. We didn't have the relationship I wanted with a dad, never did anything together and conversation was always a little stunted but him and his wife visited us and we visited them. I thought things were finally getting back on track.

However, a few years ago this started to fizz out and despite asking to meet, there always seemed to be an excuse why they couldn't. This went on for a while and I decided to put the ball firmly in his court, stating that me and his grandchildren would love to see him and we were always free on x,y,z days he just had to let me know. I've not heard anything since then, about 2.5 years ago. In that time we've had the occasional birthday card but now even that has stopped.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on what it is that could've gone wrong or what I should do? I don't know if it is Christmas approaching but it's eating me up inside and making me question what is wrong with me that neither of my parents seem to love or really care about me. I’m a good and kind person who lives as best as I can, normal family life, good job so I’m not sure where I’ve gone wrong. I am starting counselling very soon which I'm hoping will help me a bit but in the meantime would love some advice or to hear from others in similar circumstances.

Thank you if you've read this far.

It's not you, it's them. I hope once your therapy gets off the ground you will realise that. Once you do truly realise that, and I hope you get there, you will feel completely differently. You will realise that they have abused and neglected you because there is something wrong with both of them, not you. And I am so sorry that you've had to experience it. It is awful, especially the fact you are beating yourself up about your father just drifting away from your life and showing very little interest in you.... That's on him, not you.

You might find the Stately Homes thread helpful; if you post your same thread on there, plenty of people with similar experiences will advise, from the trenches of acknowledging the abuse and neglect they've suffered, and coming out the other side.

@TrueRefuge thank you so much for your really kind reply, it means a lot.

I will go and post on the Stately Homes thread, thank you for pointing it out to me!

Glad you found it! You are very welcome. I've been there and know what a tough situation it is, although I was lucky enough to have a non-abusive and loving mum (though she sadly passed away when I was a teenager so it's been a tough long road). I am early 30s and just this year cut off my father, as he is unwilling to acknowledge his poor behaviour and mistreatment of me, and I've finally realised that is not acceptable and I am worth so much more. I hope you come to the same realisation.

I don't really post on the Stately Homes thread these days, but there are some amazing, compassionate and super informed posters there, so I believe you're in the best place! It was an absolute saviour to me when I was deciding to cut my father off and dealing with the deep emotion of it all. I'd also recommend reading some of the past threads, as you'll learn so many patterns of behaviour and different stories all along the same theme...