My husband is a verbally angry man and I dream about the day my kids and I can break free from him. I took the kids and walked 4 years ago when I realised he was having an affair with a girl from his work and was just being so horrible to the kids (then 1 & 3) and me. I loved my time away from him but stupidly went back after 6 months as I felt sorry for him and his family - he is an only child and his mum put a mega guilt trip on me for walking out when his dad was sick and causing everyone so much stress. She begged me to get him some help and not give up on him. Husband stopped eating and lost a tonne of weight to make me look like the bad one. He promised he would change and be a better dad and father. But refused to go to counselling so in the end didn't change.
Fast forward 4 years and I now realise how stupid I was to go back. I now feel completely stuck.
- his mum copps a lot of his anger and verbal abuse. He says horrible things to her to her face for no reason, and she is often left in tears. I don't usually go with him when he visits (he has to go every weekend) as I can't handle the toxic atmosphere of their house with her and him in it.
- behind her back he says he wishes his parents would just die so he didn't have to see them every weekend and deal with their issues. He has said this multiple times in front of the kids, and whenever he hangs up the phone (or slams it down) and now they are repeating this which makes me very uncomfortable.
What if he treats me like this when I get old? What if my kids think it is OK to speak to me like this and say they want me to die when I get old? Doesn't sit well with me at all.
On the home front he is just a horrible dad to our kids. He patronises them, constantly puts them down, points out their weaknesses, blows up over minor accidents like spilling drinks or breaking things. Mutters rude stuff under his breath and is just generally disrespectful. I have occasionally caught him going off at the kids and telling them that they have ruined his life when he thinks I am out of earshot, and it breaks my heart that their dad speaks to them like this. I will try and diffuse the situation and he will lie about what happened to try and justify his awful behaviour. He smacks the kids for things that aren't worthy of a smack, and throws things if he gets annoyed at whatever is in his hand i.e. getting off the phone from his mum he will often throw the phone.
To the outside world he is a nice guy. Working hard in the corporate world to support his family. They have no idea what it is to live with him and witness his selfish, and angry behaviour every day.
We haven't had sex for 6 years, despite numerous trips away, date nights etc. I now can't stand the sight of him so no longer instigate either. I am not that fat (size 10-12) and workout several times a week, but he will still say 'thats going straight to your arse' every time I accept a piece of birthday cake or something. I have emotionally withdrawn from the marriage to protect myself from further hurt on this front. I see this as a parenting marriage only.
However, the kids are now behaving very badly ... argumentative, swearing, muttering under their breath. I think his bad behaviour, and verbal aggression is rubbing off on them, and they think it is OK to yell and scream at me because that is what dad does all the time.
They are also showing signs of being scared of what will happen if 'dad finds out' they spilled a drink or didn't eat their lunch. If they hurt themselves, instead of offering sympathy and hugs he goes off at them for being clumsy. They withdraw and look scared when he loses his temper. He doesn't hit, other than smacking, so its not physical abuse but definitely verbal abuse.
So, that leaves me in a parenting marriage with someone who can't parent .... I know I need to leave .... But if I leave, it means he will get 'unsupervised time' with them and no doubt ear bash them about how horrible I am. At least when I am around i can diffuse the situation and defend myself. I can't bear the thought of leaving them with him for periods of time, and not being able to protect them from his temper. I was going to just grin and bear it for another couple of years (they are 5 & 7 now) but with their terrible behaviour I am scared the damage will be irreversible.
I hate living like this. I long for him to get a travelling job, or find a girl to run off with, so I can live in peace with my beautiful boys. I wish I had stuck to my guns 4 years ago ... everything would have been sorted by now, instead I am stuck in a horrible mess. My parents know things are bad, but they don't know how bad. I try to put on a brave face.
I have started writing down all the horrible things he says and does so that when the inevitable happens I may be able to limit his access to the kids, and I am squirrelling away some money from each of my pay 'for a rainy day' (actually wondering if I should withdraw it and give it to my parents to bank so its not traceable).
Keen to hear your thoughts on how bad you think this situation is, and whether I should let it go on a few more years or get out now before I have both him and the kids treating me the way he treats his mother. If I stay a few more years, what things can I do to set myself up for when the time comes.