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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Separating finances within an established marriage

34 replies

BranchingOut · 10/12/2019 10:42

My DH has deep-seated issues with money and finances. He cannot seem to reconcile himself to the fact that I earn significantly less than him. He is a high earner (many times my salary) whereas I earn a bit more than average salary (30k+) but work part-time due to our child. Many times over the years he has brought up my lack of financial contribution in the most hurtful ways. Whatever I say, I cannot make him see things differently and there is a fundamental logical disconnect in the way he perceives this matter. We have a beautiful home, holidays and everything a person could want, but deep down he will never be satisfied with his situation in life. He won't do counselling or anything of the kind. We have been married nearly 20 years and in a relationship for quite a few more.

So there it is. After our most recent row I have had enough. I don't want to separate but I can't go on the way we are. I am wondering if anyone has ever gone down the route of separating assets but remaining in a marital relationship? For example, changing the ownership of a property from joint-tenants to tenants in common? Negotiating a post-nuptial agreement? Changing wills? I would be prepared to negotiate a split of assets just to stop this conversation once and for all. We own more than one property, have some other assets and possible inheritances in the offing, so that makes this kind of agreement more feasible.

I am well aware that the other option is separation full stop, but for various reasons I would prefer to avoid that option and would be very interested to find out if anyone has gone down the above route.

Thanks, but comments along the lines of 'Doesn't he value what you do at home?' are all fruitless as no, he doesn't. Grin

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/12/2019 08:32

What does he actually contribute to your relationship? Money isn't enough. He sounds like a tosser.

People always use their childhoods as an excuse but sometimes it's just bollocks, like in this instance.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/12/2019 08:49

Hi OP

Why do you want to stay with him? It doesn't sound like he considers you to really be married in the true sense of sharing everything. What does he want 'his' money for, eg would he plan to leave it to your child?

I think you need to talk to a solicitor if you are serious about everything. I would guess either he ring fences some investments eg property and you sign away rights to it (though I am not sure if this would stand up in court?) or you divorce, and agree a settlement, but just keep on living together. Then you would have to do things like wills if you wanted to leave anything to the other one, and I'm not sure about medical decisions and next of kin etc as you get older. Youd also have to very careful about who got your current house as if anything happened to him or he then left you, you wouldnt want to have to move out. You definitely need a solicitor.

Chocmallows · 11/12/2019 09:08

OP he unfairly looks down on you for not financially contributing the same amount as him, imagine what he will be like if you live together but you have access to more of 'his' money.

He isn't going to value your time with his DC, but will be angry that you have 'his' money. This is not going to get better.

NomDeQwerty · 11/12/2019 09:18

I agree with the PPs who said that he will just find some other way to get at you/moan about/be miserable about. Why exactly do you want to remain married to him. That's a genuine question.

lumpy76 · 11/12/2019 09:28

Why would you even consider what you are suggesting? It's madness!! If you want to stay married your DH needs to accept therapy and if he won't imo you need to divorce him - when the law will show him just how valuable how you've contributed to your marriage and to enabling him to earn you actually are!!

michaelbaubles · 11/12/2019 09:56

Earning £30k+, on your own, with maintenance that you would get, and one child, you'd be able to live a happy life without him. Maybe not a big house and flash holidays but no harping on all the time and all your money would be yours to spend just as you pleased!

PicsInRed · 11/12/2019 10:03

Don't make a settlement you will be happy with, force a settlement the Family Court will be happy with.

Honestly, after years of being gaslit and head fucked by this guy into feeling grateful for the crumbs he deigns to give you, you are no longer in the right mental space to accurately determine what is "fair" to you (and your child and what is not.

Secretly see a good family solicitor and find out what the Law considers your worth to be. You'll find it considerably more than he (or you) believe it to be.

Remember that this is it. You get one chance at a financial settlement and the argumentative ones will normally cease any pretense at any financial contribution or cooperation once proceedings are complete (including engaging in financial manipulation to avoid stat minimum child support). Get the very best settlement you can possibly obtain now, as you (and often even the child of the financially abusive marriage) will receive nothing from him afterwards.

BranchingOut · 11/12/2019 13:30

Thanks for all the contributions.
I have taken them on board and I am climbing back from the idea of a full agreement and financial split (i.e. post nuptial agreement). You are right in that it sets some lines too firmly in the sand that could be disadvantageous at a later date. I have already taken legal advice a little while ago so have an idea of what a possible separation could entail.

However, I am still open to offering him a lump sum that would be set aside and not brought into the pot in the event of a split.

I know that some of you are mystified as to why I want to remain married but...even though I mystify myself...I still do.

OP posts:
Groovinpeanut · 11/12/2019 19:55

OP what you're describing isn't a loving, balanced, happy marriage. Everything seems to be centred around money. He married you, you have a DC together. This crackpot attitude he has towards you paying your share/way is reducing your entire relationship as worthless. You're being judged entirely on what pound signs you bring. All this talk of negotiation of finances and lump sum splits has got you thinking as daft as he is.
Just throw in the towel get yourself a good solicitor and the number for child support. You're husband is being ridiculous, don't buy into his warped thinking. Get out and leave him counting his money piles. He's like a modern day Scrooge.

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