Dh wants to separate

[unicornsrule]

Dh and i have been married for 16 years have two dds age 10 and 14 years

He is so stressed and cant cope anymore

What are our options re living arrangements

If he wants to leave and is stressed out surely he is the one who needs to be sorting where he stays out?

Sorry you are going through this. This sounds like a massive shock to you. Why does he want to separate? Why is he stressed? If he wants to end the marriage he needs to leave and you need to check out your position re house and finances. Sending strength

Aw, OP

Please tell us a bit more. Stress is horrendous and stops people seeing straight. Has this come out of the blue?

Not really out of the blue he has been getting more stressed over time
He isn't happy anymore

If he’s stressed and choosing to end the marriage, then he needs to sort himself out with somewhere to live. Presumably the DCs are remaining with you so, stressed or not, he needs to go.

Why does being stressed mean he wants to separate? Statistically, men in relationships cope better with stress than single or divorced men, because they have support from their partner.

If he wants to leave you and the children, he needs to own up and use some honest language. Saying things like being stressed and can’t cope makes him sound like he sees himself as the victim here, which if he’s using it as an excuse to run away from his family is unfair and unkind.

Has he seen his GP? He may benefit from medication and/or counselling. If he’s genuinely stressed, I don’t see how separating himself from his family is going to help.

If you do decide to go ahead and separate, you need to think about whether you want the children to stay with you most of the time or whether you envisage more of a 50-50 arrangement. Then, I would strongly recommend that you get some legal advice about how to manage the finances in order to support two homes.

Sorry this has happened. It will be difficult for you and your children.

The best thing you can do is take a deep breath and reconcile yourself to having a practical conversation about money and housing. The options will be limited by your household income. This can be improved through benefits when you split.

If you are well off then him moving is probably affordable. If you income is limited then it might not stretch to a second home. This will have implications for you and for him. You don’t want to be in a position were he is only paying child support and all the current household bills fall to you if this is a stretch. This is why some people end of living together for a while, or they get a small rental and share parental care in the family home. This could be stressful but might be all you can afford.

A lot of advice on here will be knee jerk and dramatic. This runs the very real risk of him reciprocating and a vicious circle builds when you react again. Play a long game and pay to secure your home and future. Revenge isn’t a positive outcome for you and it costs money and mental health. Financial security and peace of mind are what you want.

So sorry. Your options will depend upon income. He's obliged to pay child support and help house his kids therefore generally in such circumstances the man leaves and finds a temporary cheap place to live whilst you sort out permanent arrangements, but if this isn't possible the spare room or sofa might be the option. Longer term, can you afford the mortgage alone? If so asking him to allow you to keep the house until the youngest leaves school is a possibility or you can sell and split any equity sooner.

My advice is to sit down and talk calmly putting the kids central to your decisions and not to use solicitors at this stage. We have a private arrangement and are not using solicitors at all, in my case he's giving me the house and paying the mortgage until it's paid off/I decide to move but I admit this is only possible because he has a take home salary that's over £4K and I sacrificed my career for his job (travel) and the kids so he knows the court would order spousal maintenance

I only work fri , sat night and sundays

What is he stressed about?
Has he seen his GP?
Is he on any meds to help with this?
He can't just check out of family life because he's stressed!
Fuck me - we are all stressed.
What does he think will happen to you when he fucks off?
Guess what??? More fucking stress for you!

But, if he wants to leave then look at your options.
Is he a high earner?
Is the house mortgaged?
Who pays for what?
Look at what he would owe in maintenance.
Look at what you would get in benefits, tax credits, etc.....
A friend of mine is actually better off working part time and claiming than she was busting her arse working all the hours to keep her and her DC's heads above water.
So it could be OK.
But look into it.

Do you have any savings accounts?
Joint or otherwise?
Any ISA's?

What assets do you have?

V sorry this is happening.

Let him sort out practicalities. Presumably in the short term he’ll sleep on the sofa, or spare room if you have it.

Seek legal advice and look at your finances and earnings.

Yes he is a high earner
He pays all the morgage

Sorry this has happened.

Shocking.

Imagine the shock is all behind you. YOu are going to need a job and some free time so be certain about those 'demands'.

Your husband cant cope with ''the stress'' and wants to resolve that situation by leaving you with all of it.

Be clear from the get go that the children will be with him a third of the time....

I don't mean just stressed!!
He wrote me a letter explaining how he isn't coping
He has been having counselling at work
He has been getting upset
Dd 14 may have autism we cant get her into school she has been off for a month!!
We are waiting for her to be assessed

So his plan is to leave you to cope with your daughter alone? And when he sees her he won't have your support?

Maybe he would agree to park the relationship but acknowledge that it would be an egregious abuse of your situation to leave you to 100% of the responsibility that he is currently gettig a break from.

Have you had counselling!

I don't doubt that it's tough, but fight hard to make the point that whatever he is going through now you will be going through that two-fold if he just leaves you to it.

I'm.so sorry you are going through this op, sending you a virtual hug.
If he is stressed and or depressed would medication help? I know he's getting counselling but medication can help.too especially when combined with counselling, he really needs to see his GP. He may find that separating doesn't actually reduce his stress levels.
I imagine you are feeling very stressed too, he's being selfish and self absorbed, you might better off without him if he is emotionally draining and not supporting you emotionally.
Finances are another issue,no real experience but I would think you need to ensure you have all necessary paperwork, bank statements etc and see a solicitor for advice and investigate CMS and benefits. It will be painful for you to stay under the same roof, if he wants to leave you he needs to physically get out of the house and live elsewhere , could he stay with relatives temporarily?

Have you explored couples counselling?

It is worth talking about whether it’s your relationship he wants out of, or the other external pressures.

xx

Unstable mental health can make people act and talk irrationally.