Getting a divorce, adultery??

[desperatehousewomann]

So I just posted a thread a few hours ago: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3764557-Husband-cheated-Devastated

I am going to get a divorce on the grounds of adultery as I found out my husband had cheated on me a week ago. I finally plucked up the courage to call my best friend and ask her opinion. (Still can’t bear to tell his or my immediate family). I apologised profusely for not speaking to her after it happened because I may have blamed her husband for allowing my husband to be such a fool. (Please read my previous post). We had a long talk where I cried and poured my feelings out to her. I am so heartbroken but after hearing her opinion and reading the opinions of everyone on my post, I know I need to end it. As I was rocking my DS to sleep stroking his hair I’ve realised that I need to be strong for him and leave this awful god forsaken marriage, it wouldn’t be right to raise him in such an unstable relationship. I must add I am almost 8 months pregnant with DS2. My DH husband is begging to work it out and says he loves me has been crying all week and wants to go to counselling but I think the ship has sailed no matter how much I love and will miss him. My questions now are what is the next step. If I request a divorce on grounds of adultery how does that work? What happens with custody of our child(ren) and what do I do in terms of work. I’m starting to look for future work but I am a SAHM and as I am pregnant with our second I don’t know how I’ll support myself and pay for the house. What is the difference between just asking for a divorce for unreasonable behaviour and adultery. What do I need to prove this, are texts enough? I’m so broken I never expected this to happen, I was hoping to kick him out for a month and clear my head but now I’ve realised I don’t think I could ever look at him the same way again. Are divorce lawyers expensive? Can I go through this without one? I have a feeling that if I request a divorce he’s going to refuse and insist on trying counselling and will drag things out. In theory I know he’s ashamed and doesn’t want his family to find out. Can I get a divorce even if he doesn’t want one? Sorry I have a million questions I’m just so blindsided confused and have no idea what the practical are that I should be looking at after this split. If you’ve been through this before your story and how you got through it would be greatly appreciated also...

And sorry it’s such a long post I didn’t proof read before I realised I should have at least put paragraphs

If he cheats you file for the divorce on the grounds of adultery, he has to sign to say that he has shagged around "at numerous times and in numerous places" or similar wording, and it then goes to decree nisi and then decree absolute (divorce).
As you have a child you have to agree things to do with the child up front, a solicitor is probably a good idea for all concerned in that, as you want it done properly first time.

Doesn't his antics come under 'unreasonable behaviour' nowadays?

OP, I am on your previous post. I genuinely think this is the right choice. He will do it again and like PP's have said, it's unlikely it's the first time he has done this.

The crying is all a manipulation, remember he lied to you when you asked.

Well done for telling your friend. Rather than going straight into divorce mode, please reach out to your family and get some support around you.

You are a very very brave and strong person and you have nothing to be ashamed about. Your partner chose his behaviour and the path he went down.

You are a great mother.

Use unreasonable behaviour citing his adultery as evidence. The burden of proof needed for adultery itself is very high if he won't admit it and has no bearing on any settlement you would get

Divorcing for aduktwey isn't encouraged anymore. Solicitors usually advise to go for unreasonable behaviour, which adultery can be listed as.

There no benefit to divorcing for adultery. It doesnt impact the financial outcome or make the divorce quicker and unless you have lots of evidence, or the one of the OW supports you, it can drag it out

What @Wtfdoipick said. For adultery you have to prove they had PIV sex, go for unreasonable behaviour. You can do it yourself, I did but used a solicitor for the financial settlement.

Hi op, just read your first thread. I am so sorry this has happened to you at all, never mind 7 and a half months pregnant.

The anger that’s probably driving a bit of you will come in waves, as I’m sure you’ve noticed so just be mindful of the crash and burn when that phase passes. Its truly awful.

If it helps you feel like you’re doing something practical, there’s a lot of paperwork you need for a divorce. Birth certificates for you and any children of the marriage, marriage certificate... jointly owned assets etc. Perhaps start with gathering that info or ordering yourself copies.

However, there is no rush with this. Get yourself through the birth, christmas, new year.... sweetheart, they will ALL be tough.

As others have said you can cite adultery under unreasonable behaviour without having to prove it.

If you divorce on adultery, I'm honestly not sure if the texts are enough to prove it. Perhaps a legally knowledgeable poster can clarify that. A poster above has suggested your DH would have to admit it; which he doesn't really sound the type to.

Most solicitors etc probably advise against it as, if they don't admit it, you'd just be wasting time and resources trying to get them to, getting stuck in a stand off etc.

You're best off not naming a co-respondent even if you do know who the OW were - it just complicates things and is generally not recommended as far as I can gather. You don't need proof, you just need to name some incidents - if you have dates, great, but approximate will do. Texts admitting/discussing his adultery will back you up.

He can't force you to go to counselling or make you stay in the marriage. He can be uncooperative, and drag things out, but that's all.

www.gov.uk/divorce You can do your own divorce - court fees are £550. Lawyers will make it a lot more expensive but may be worth it if there are significant marital assets etc to divide. You may be able to find a solicitor who offers a free half-hour initial consultation to get you an opinion on what you're entitled to etc

It is easier to use unreasonable behaviour and you can chuck in the "having inappropriate relationships with other women" in there.

"The easiest way to divorce using adultery is for the person who has committed the adultery to admit to it. It can be hard to gather evidence and prove adultery if your ex isn’t prepared to admit it.You can attempt to prove adultery through text messages, hotel room bookings, witnesses etc. However, this route is not advised as it’s likely to lead to further tension between you. If the person who has committed the adultery doesn’t accept that they have been unfaithful, then the other option is to use unreasonable behaviour grounds."

Sounds like you could try but ...

Have to laugh about it 'causing tension" - yeah cause there's no tension already when one person has betrayed the other and destroyed their relationship.

I have been through exactly what you are having now two years ago. I filed a divorce based on his adultery straight after I found out his betrayal and I'm so glad I made the right decision. Be brave! Find a good solicitor if you can afford otherwise you could go through mediation which is much cheaper. He needs to pay you maintenance fees calculated by his annual income and days of year he will spend with your children. By the way you don't need evidence to proof his adultery unless he denies. My ex didn't deny so it wasn't too difficult to divorce him.

Go and see a solicitor and get proper advice. Tell your family and get lots of rl support.