Total disconnect meeting men through OLD v IRL

[ThirtyAndASmidgen]

I’ve been single for years and would like to meet someone. Thankfully, I do meet potential love interests reasonably regularly. I’ve noticed that there’s a total disconnect between how they play out, depending on how we met:

• Online dating: I’ve met a lot of very nice, suitable and respectful men, 90% of whom want a second date. I never feel a spark for any of them and break off the relationship after one to three dates when I can’t summon any more excitement to see them.

• In real life: The chemistry is usually very intense and often leads to amazing sex followed by the man losing interest very suddenly. I’m often treated badly and end up very hurt.

I can’t reconcile the two. I’ve tried having a few drinks with men I’ve met through OLD and doing exciting things like going to theme parks, but I feel absolutely nothing. Conversely, I’ve also tried slowing things down with men I meet IRL, and not sleeping with them too soon, but the outcome is always the same. I know I have an anxious attachment style. My therapist thinks I’m confused about what I want, but I genuinely do want a family. I just can’t be with someone if there’s no spark.

I’d be grateful for any thoughts or suggestions.

This is me to a T. I was told only this evening by my therapist, that I have preoccupied attachment disorder. Still in the middle or googling the sh*t out of what that means.....

sounds like you don't fancy 'nice men' and go for the seductive types who are not interested in ltr (that's why they aer so good at causing sparks, but lose interest after the chase).
Where IRL do you meet these guys?

I think with the steady but less exciting men, you need to be friends for a while, best if you could base it on some interest that you could bond over, if you have any. Theme parks? needs to be something deeper than that. It's your taste for the thrills haha.

It's not easy to change your 'type' but think where does it always end up with your usual ones! It might be slow at first but give it more than 1-3dates for the best of them.

Definitely noticed that when or if you sleep with them has little to no influence on things. Have been avoiding dating for a while but if I went back into it again, I think I'd just sleep with them soonish rather than later and that way if they vanish afterwords, I won't be too hurt because I wont be attached.

I think a lot of them like the challenge of the pursuit so holding off sex doesn't weed out the timewasters like you'd hope.

I find with online dating, guys seemed to be just on there to chat and not to meet and I cba with that. But it's like - where the feck else do you meet people? lol.

I’ve met men in real life: through friends (x4 or 5), weddings (x2), through work/conferences (x2), one in a supermarket, one in a lift, and one at a baking class. Not at bars and clubs. They never seem like the player type which is why it’s so puzzling that they always seem to turn out that way.

I love how mentioning theme parks led one PP to question whether I have any other hobbies That made my day. I have more hobbies than I can keep up with, spanning the whole gamut from classical arts to boxing.