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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leave now or after Christmas?

25 replies

Leavenoworafterxmas · 09/12/2019 19:29

I have been with DH for 20 years. We have one DS who is 11.

DH likes a drink. Over most years, perfectly reasonable amounts, ie a glass of wine and a few beers on a Saturday. More if a night out etc. Some hangovers but no big issues.

Over the last couple of years, something has changed. I’ve not liked it. Drinking has increased and he’s not been part of family life at the weekend. I’ve asked him to cut back. He does for a while but then it creeps back up again. The last four weeks have been Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He’s not going to bed until I get up so is no help with anything at the weekend let along spending time with DS.

We had two big family things over the Summer where he became verbally abusive to me. He was given a warning of any repeat and I’d leave. No second chances. He’s not done it again but the volume is a problem. And the cost which was approximately £40 this weekend alone. He’s drank a gin that was a gift to me. Cooking wine too. I just can’t bear the thought of this being it for me and DS.

If it were any other time of year, i think I’d just go. Christmas is 2 weeks away. What do I do? Part of me doesn’t want to destroy Christmas for DS but his dad could do that being off work and the strong possibility of him drinking most of that time. I can’t give him another chance. If I do, it’s like me not following through.

This is DSs home. Can I get him to leave?

OP posts:

Groovinpeanut · 09/12/2019 20:04

With the festive period being one of the main events for over indulging in the food and alcohol the chances are he's going to drink like a fish and claim it's to be expected.
You and your DS will obviously be caught up in that situation.
How do you feel about asking him to leave?
You and your Son have the right not to have to live like this. Do you think your husband would leave if asked?

FAQs · 09/12/2019 20:07

I've no idea but I did watch something the other day and the advice was not at Christmas (unless obvious reasons) because it has an impact at every Christmas going forward for the children as that is their overriding memory, however on the flip side this isn't down to you.

pumpkinpie01 · 09/12/2019 20:08

For now think if your son would have a better Christmas without his dad around ? If yes then ask him to leave , Christmas is about kids and your son has the right to a happy one.

AnneTwackie · 09/12/2019 20:42

How much do you think your son knows? How does he feel about the situation? Maybe better to plan lots of reasons to be out of the house, days out, a few nights staying with family, things that make xmas fun. I’m the child of an alcoholic, we left a few times and I remember each time vividly, I’m glad none of those times were at Christmas. I did feel better once my mum acknowledged there was a problem. I’m so sorry you feel like this it’s a terrible position to be in.

AnneTwackie · 09/12/2019 20:48

Is he in denial that he has a problem?

SpinneyHill · 09/12/2019 20:50

Ex and parent were drinkers, xmas was shit more often than not.
I dreaded it.
Why wait and see how bad it might be with all the potential it has to go wrong when you have already made up your mind?

I went to a refuge 2 days before Xmas with DD, she knew things had changed but she had a good day, xmas is just a day with no magical qualities but it can be a nightmare for drinkers families.
Make this Xmas the first without him, it's going to become a good memory no matter how conflicted you feel now.

Original poster

Leavenoworafterxmas · 09/12/2019 21:43

I am reading. I just can’t answer just now. Thank you for responding.

OP posts:

SpinneyHill · 09/12/2019 22:18

It may be DS home but in the eyes of the law whose home is it?
Would he go elsewhere if you asked him to?

We can't answer these questions.

TheBlueStocking · 10/12/2019 09:43

I think you should wait until after Christmas, for the sake of your DS.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 10/12/2019 09:55

I think you should wait until after Christmas, for the sake of your DS

Maybe OP should not wait until after Xmas for the sake of her DS.

December is a green light to problem drinkers - especially Xmas, as a pp said, drinking to excess is expected and normalised.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/12/2019 10:20

I think you need to sit him down and tell him you are leaving.
You gave him a chance and he has blown it.
He has a serious alcohol problem. Drinking cooking wine really isn't OK!
If he agrees to go to AA then after 6 months you will consider the relationship if he has remained sober.
Otherwise - it's curtains.
I think Christmas will be horrible with him drinking.
Tell him to leave.
Your DS should not be disturbed from his home right now.
HE needs to leave.
Tell him if he doesn't you will be letting everyone know about his alcoholism and his verbal abuse.
Get yourself some breathing space!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2019 10:23

What Mariana wrote here.

I would make the break before Christmas. Solicitors busiest month is January primarily because a lot of people hang onto poor and dysfunctional relationships for the sake of the children and or Christmas.

You also need to get off the merry go around OP; alcoholism is not called the "family disease" for nothing. Your own recovery from this will only properly start when you are fully apart from this man.

CatInTheDaytime · 10/12/2019 10:29

I agree that Christmas might be nicer without him, but you are also running the risk of permanently associating Christmas with the separation, drama and unhappiness. And the possibility that H will react worse than he might normally, because it's Christmas - getting drunk and causing scenes etc because presumably he would demand to see DS over the Christmas period.

If you have big family events does that mean you're close to family? Could you find a middle way by telling H you are fed up with his drinking and worried it will ruin xmas, and you're going to spend it with your family to avoid unpleasantness (maybe he could go elsewhere to other family?). Then explain it's over once normal service resumes in Jan, and proceed with separation.

Do you think he'll willingly agree to separating or will he kick off?

TheBlueStocking · 10/12/2019 11:46

It would be extremely upsetting for a child to have his parents break up just before Christmas. In my opinion, worse than spending Christmas with your drunk dad.

SpinneyHill · 10/12/2019 14:39

Why give him One more drunk dad memory?
It's hard at any time of year

Moominfan · 10/12/2019 14:41

I'd get rid op, sounds like it would be a relief

RandomMess · 10/12/2019 17:02

I think watching him be drunk would be hideous...

Well done that you are preparing to leave and not ignoring that he has become an alcoholic.

Original poster

Leavenoworafterxmas · 10/12/2019 17:26

Thank you everyone.

I have no other family so when I leave it will just be me and DS.

DH has already been told it’s unacceptable but at the weekend he said don’t lecture me. I am not tolerating it.

I need to make plans. I also need to find somewhere else to go. I don’t think that’s going to happen before Christmas. My parents are dead. No other family members.

OP posts:

SpinneyHill · 11/12/2019 10:33

Christmas really is just a day, if you stay and it's shit you will get through it and DS will NOT be scarred for life by a shitty Christmas.

If you leave the same applies. Christmas is not the important thing right now, keeping your mood and self esteem up for DS is important, so do whatever you need to stop yourself getting dragged down.

Do you have to be the One to leave? If he has any family at all that can take him it might wake him up to how serious you are.

Is there a friend you can approach for support or a bedroom for a night so you can catch your breath?

I'm sorry I know how hopeless it can feel when you're trapped after deciding to leave.

Grit your teeth and get through it whether you stay or go it will be crap but only because endings are crap. You will come out the other side

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 11/12/2019 10:39

I left my husband coming up to 9 years ago (daughter was 7 at the time) and I left it until early January. It was hard pretending like everything was ok but I just didn't want to ruin Christmas for her. I told him before Xmas that I was leaving but said that we would do Christmas together as a family for the last time. Just my opinion but that's the way I would do it.

lige · 11/12/2019 14:56

No easy or right answer here OP.

I would take whatever is the easiest option. You don't have to decide now, give it a few days. If you stayed you could use the time for minimal interaction, let your son relax and enjoy, and getting "stuff" organised and ready if you are going to leave, which might be helpful.

lige · 11/12/2019 15:02

And maybe have some pipeline plans to go out or do something with DS should husband's drinking become a problem? He might be a quiet drunk you can ignore for a few days? Make sure you don't rise to the bait re. arguing, etc etc.

If you want to, go and see a solicitor now, before xmas. It will help you consider practicalities.

AnneTwackie · 11/12/2019 22:53

OP you’re never far from my mind since your original post, I hope you’re finding a way forward?

EL8888 · 11/12/2019 23:49

My father was an alcoholic so l have an insight into this and think you should ask him to leave sooner than later. His behaviour isn’t acceptable and not fair on you or your child

IdblowJonSnow · 12/12/2019 00:03

Unless you think he'd actually be decent and leave straightaway or you and your son have somewhere safe and pleasant to go, I'd leave it til after xmas just because if it's so very close now?
If u tell him tomo and he digs his heels in you might still all be living under one roof by xmas but with an awful atmosphere?
But you know best op so do what you think. Trust your gut.
But definitely make plans/see a solicitor.

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