' really did not think he was the type'

[anothernamejeeves]

Is what everyone says when it turns out their discover their other half has had an affair

Can we therefore conclude they are ALL the type if the chance arises?

We are all the type if the chance arises?

Given the right timing and circumstances I think a decent percentage of people are 'the type' - certainly more than 50%.

Yes absolutely I’ve been thinking this too! I recently discovered my partner is on Tinder when he goes abroad with work. He’s away for weeks at a time and I don’t know if he uses it when he feels bored/lonely (bad enough) or whether he has slept with anyone. Even when confronted with this I still think, “oh but he’s not the type to actually sleep with anyone” - I just can’t actually compute

I've always thought that given the right circumstances 95% of us are capable of cheating. But the majority of us luckily never find ourselves in those circumstances. Usually because the chance of brad pitt turning up when our marriage is on the rocks and we are feeling fat and unloved and going 'hello gorgeous, fancy a footrub?' And one thing leading to another - Are pretty dam slim too xD

But continually cheating or an affair...something longterm - that takes a certain sort of shit. Because it is more than a in the heat of the moment screwup. It takes planning and lying. Either they are exceptionally weak and caught up in a whirlwind. Or they are the sort with no morals who wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire unless it benefitted them in some way. Neither sort is suited to be in a relationship.

I really have been shocked myself in the last few years at the sort of people who have strayed. People I thought were so much better. It makes me very disillusioned. My husband always says he hates cheating and would never do it but I bet all the husbands who have cheated have said just that

Nope. It shows that some people don't know their partners half as well as they think they do.

I have three friends I can think of immediately who were shocked their husband had an affair and one man whose wife had an affair. Nobody else was much shocked.

Read some threads on here and see all those women who say it came out of the blue then describe years and years of well dodgy behaviour prior even to marriage.

Yup, bang on the money with your last statement there op.

And pp is right about normally these forum posts start out like 'oh he cheated and I'm so shocked because he didn't seem the type and he is a great father' but then the op starts thinking, and starts letting little bursts of info slide out but by bit - as slowly she realises, he isn't such a gem after all.

I disagree with Towel. people who have affairs (including me) often genuinely turn into an unrecognisable person. Motivated by lust, excitement, teenage crap that you absolutely should know better than but dont and everything else pales in comparison. It wasnt at all that my then husband didnt know me, he just didn't know what the hell had happened to his wife and looking back now, it is like looking at a stranger.

You know nothing TowelNumber42

Except for the fact your partner would never cheat, obviously.

Then there is I know he hates cheating because if I go out with my mates while looking nice he always gets furious and accuses me of being on the pull Um, that's because if he went out looking nice, he would actually be on the pull so he thinks that's how it works. If he keeps accusing you of cheating then I bet you a nice sandwich he cheats on you at every opportunity and he keeps a special eye out for those opportunities.

I didn't say my partner would never cheat. I said that lots of times people seem surprised when nobody else is surprised at all. Some people ignore the bloody obvious. Especially women with a biological clock ticking I suspect. It's still the cheater at fault of course.

You seem to know and suspect a lot.

There is a thread going now where the op’s wife has been having an an affair for 10 years. He absolutely didn't know.

I think a lot of people even surprise themselves when they have an affair.

@HugeAckmansWife that is one of the most honest things I have read in a long time.

Could you tell us more? It sounds like addiction tbh

Do you think the bewildered spouse should stay calm and hang in there for a bit longer? What do you wish had happened?

It was. My lovely kind husband adored me, we'd been together since uni. No kids (and id like to believe i wouldn't have broken up a family if we'd had one). We were happy and not long married but i 100% had my head turned and all common sense and judgement went out the window. It was me that left for the other man. My ex would have had me back and i absolutely wish i could have seen past all the nonsense and made different choices. I dislike it when people try to justify affairs by 'it just happened' or 'i couldnt help it'. I'm an adult. I had and have autonomy and agency and used them terribly. When i woke up and realised the other man was not only an ordinary man but a far far less worthy one than my ex it was too late to save things.

Apparently my ex had no time to cheat - well he found the time!

He was also very judgey of a friend’s husband who cheated just before he did!

I personally don't think I'd ever cheat. I've been in situations where I felt attracted to others but in order to not cheat, I put distance between us. I didn't respond to flirting etc. Cheating is a choice. I personally feel that you're weak if you cheat (weak if you're not strong enough to end your relationship or weak if you're not strong enough to 'resist' another person). I personally feel that cheating is tolerated too easily nowadays and it's almost become excepted despite the pain it causes. I've been on the receiving end and I would hate myself for putting another human being through that pain because I was weak. Plus I like being loyal....it's rare nowadays.