Second Marriage

[peonyfairy03]

Those in second marriages how do you not compare it to first and if you argue how do you stop yourself thinking it’s all going to go wrong.

I’m married to a lovely man for a year we have no DC together I have 2 that live with us and he has 3 that stay in holidays due to location. We argue or disagree over normal things however with my ExH I never argued as it wasn’t worth it as he was always right and it was a emotionally, financially abusive relationship. I was a doormat, however now I don’t back down if I argue with DH and it’s ruining our relationship.

Give him the Lundy book 'Why Does He Do That?' and get yourself reading / YouTubing up on power and control in relationships.
You have a toxic partner OP.

Try and remember the reasons you married him and all the good bits of how he's different to your ex. Just because you argue doesn't mean it's going wrong but maybe look at how you argue instead. Are you maybe being too assertive as you didn't get to have an opinion at all in your last relationship?

In moments I maybe do compare

But luckily I’m far better off so my comparison is mostly met with relief

Firstly both look at how you argue and see if you can start resolving disagreements more successfully.
Secondly in time you will feel more settled hopefully.
My second relationship is so much different to my first and I feel secure after a very long time.
But no one knows what will happen in the future! Work on your OWN confidence and happiness so you will be happy no matter what happens.

@pallasathena I'm not sure you've read the op quite right? 2nd dh doesn't sound abusive? Sounds like op is standing up for herself but worried about amount they're arguing over normal stuff?

Is say you should read some books on effective communication for couples.

Think about how you're both expressing your needs. Is the argument over who does washing up really about that or because you don't feel valued? Or does he get fed up because you're too tired to go out on a date night so he feels rejected? Often the little things are about other stuff and it's important to try and talk about what's really going on without accusing your other half.

You have a toxic partner OP.

@pallasathena did you reply to the wrong thread or cant be arsed reading it?

Why is he toxic?

Fairycake you are exactly right my first marriage I had no voice, so I’m trying to be assertive and take it to far. Arguments are trivial stuff day to day.

Thank you all for your help I need to build my confidence up as I know I don’t have any. He tells me he loves me everyday however I find it hard to believe him.

@peonyfairy03

I would never have a second marriage

It doesn't have to be a huge leap of faith, OP. You can build your confidence up but by bit. But keep your DH in the loop so he's not feeling isolated. (Assuming he's a good partner.)

He is a good partner and good with my two DCs a little lax with his 3 but then he only sees them a few times a year due to their locations their mums choice not his. I have a flight mode where I just want to run when it becomes a bit tense.