Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he looking for sympathy?

16 replies

Winterwonderland10 · 09/12/2019 18:02

Just received a message from ex, basically saying he's not well atm and thought he should let me know and he isn't looking for sympathy. Said he stopped taking his anti depressants suddenly and regressed alot but that I shouldn't worry and he is struggling and needs some time to get back on track.

For some background this ex was emotionally and mentally abusive to me and I ended up in a refuge. We haven't been together for 3 years and he has a gf of about a year now I think. He's stayed distant from me for months after announcing he has a gf to me. Recently though he has wanted to talk a bit more. Come in to me home. He got rid of social media for ages but is now back on and accidently likes a pic so checking up on what I'm doing.
So why did he message me this if it's no need for me to worry apparently. Is he trying to get sympathy from me because he knows I'm in q good place atm? Is he trying to manipulate my feelings? I don't get why he has just messaged.me this?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 09/12/2019 18:05

He's just trying to get into your head
Block him

Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 09/12/2019 18:10

Yea that was my 1st thought of getting in my head too

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 09/12/2019 18:14

Of course he's trying to manipulate you. Block him on everything immediately. Do not respond.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2019 18:15

Fgs, block the manipulative fucker. He's just looking for a shag or money. Probably both. BLOCK HIM.

Isleepinahedgefund · 09/12/2019 18:15

Thought you should know? Why would you need to know? Do you have kids?

If there is nothing tying you together then there is literally no reason for him to tell you.

Hopefully he sent the message to the wrong person....

VictoriaBun · 09/12/2019 18:17

Unless you have a child , block him and definitely don't reply. He doesn't deserve your sympathy.

Groovinpeanut · 09/12/2019 18:17

If he's not looking for sympathy why's he offloading all this to you? Not taking his antidepressants? Does he think this is supposed to have you thinking "Good idea that?" I would block him on social media etc. Don't let him back in your life/ head. You've worked at getting yourself in a good place. Don't let him take you down again.

Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 09/12/2019 18:17

Sorry I forgot to mention in my OP we have a DS together who is 3 so not just as easy as blocking him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 09/12/2019 18:20

The reason he isn't blocked on social media is because he deleted his account and hasn't had it for months. We weren't even friends but my account has been public only realised he was back after he accidently liked a picture. It's now private

OP posts:
Littlejets · 09/12/2019 18:23

Sounds like textbook hoovering to me.
Try your best not to respond to him especially as you are in a good place.

TowelNumber42 · 09/12/2019 18:24

He can email you about arrangements for supervised contact with DS. Given he's admitted he has stopped taking his mood stabilisers you would be reasonable to restrict contact for a while. When do they next see each other? Is anyone else present? The new gf?

Mintjulia · 09/12/2019 18:30

Just say “oh really” and ignore him.

Unless specifically about your child, do not engage in any way.

OldEvilOwl · 09/12/2019 18:36

I would just ignore it unless it's anything to do with your child

Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 09/12/2019 18:41

@littlejets good point about hoovering didn't think about that

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/12/2019 19:17

Yes it is hoovering. Yes it is manipulation.

But what you really need to bare in mind is that you left him (assuming this is the case as you ended up in a refuge?). And now, he hates you. I mean he hated you beforehand anyway. But now he really hates you.

Abusers (narcissists ect) often hold grudges against those who offend their egos. And offending their egos isn't hard. But walking away from them is the ultimate kick in the teeth.

It sounds like he he may have struck out on social media (eg: not been getting enough attention, or chatted up a girl and failed) and is starting to spiral into the self loathing stage - which they immediately turn into loathing for others. And you, he loathes the most so you are target number one for guilt tripping, mind screwing and hate.

I suggest you only use one phone for contact with him in future and do not reply to communications unless they are about your son.

Always remember he didn't stop being an abuser the day he left. And you didn't stop being a target. Keep yourself safe. Oh and - f*ck his 'feelings'!

Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 09/12/2019 21:48

@Pinkbonbon yes i know he hates me. He's ok with me until i go against something he says and then he absolutely hates it and calls me so many names.
Agree about the social media, i find it strange if he is struggling why go on something he claims isnt good for his MH. He has already made posts so clearly looking for attention as he isnt getting it from his GF.
Strangely im not that concerned for him, in the past i would have been but now i'm in a good place focusing on myself. I'm glad i can spot his games better now.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread