Controlling mother

[ellejay33]

I've posted about my mother before, interfering with how i parent my baby. Anyway she has, in her defence, backed off with trying to tell me how to raise my child due to my dad having a word with her.

However she is now laser focussed on me. I'm in my thirties and I have 2 sisters who overshare with my mother, talk constantly with her throughout the day and have little to no boundary with her. She now expects this from me. I'm much more private, not only for my own sake but my husband too. My mother, on the other hand, wants to know exactly what I'm doing at all times and will text constantly and if I don't reply (because it doesn't warrant a reply!) she will ask inane questions to make me feel like I need to reply.

The more I see her (we are a very close knit family) she makes me feel like I'm a horrible person for simply having a differing opinion to her. She is now managing to on-board my siblings into thinking this too. Just simple things such as her wanting to buy my husband/child a gift and me saying they already have one similar or they perhaps wouldn't like it, she gets personally offended. "I was just trying to buy them something".

I don't drink and they all do, so I get made to feel bad about this. "I bet you drink with your friends you just don't like spending time with us". I don't, not that it's relevant.

Basically anything I do or say that doesn't line up exactly with what she thinks, I get a comment or an eye roll. I end up going home thinking I'm a bad person or rude or something. I am constantly censoring myself in person and on social media etc so that I don't say anything that might cause her (or now my siblings) to make comments. I'm exhausted.

That all sounds very tiring.

I think you should consider studying the J.A.D.E principal which is don't Justify, don't Argue, don't Defend, don't Explain.

Basically it helps to remind you not to rise to the bait when they bait you and not to give them power over your life by explaining yourself or offering them excuses for your decisions. If you explain yourself it makes people feel that you owe them an explanation as if they were in authority over you in some way.

I think it's really important that you start reinforcing your boundaries. So for example, when your Mother is texting you and you don't want to reply - don't reply - no matter how much you are goaded into doing so.

I'd also cut back on the amount of time you spend with them all if it's so unpleasant.

Thanks, that's really helpful, I just read up on it and it all makes total sense.

It's one of those situations where sometimes I know it's batshit but sometimes it really helps having someone else say "this is not okay, you're not going mad".

You're right about reducing the amount of time spent around them, hard this time of year but definitely one for the new year.