Are these red flags or is this what to expect in a long term relationship?

[canthide]

Hi all. From the beginning of our relationship there has been red flags and I think that if I detailed them most of you will say that I should have left then(I did a few times but she either had excuses and/or that nothing happened). There were certainly a couple of lies which again she had no real answers for.
Over the years she has done a few things that I didn’t think were appropriate and she said that they meant nothing(paying too much attention to men when I was there which was extremely humiliating and embarrassing).
As I look back I realise that it is always me that is unhappy and that we have never really resolved the issues. For her there is nothing to talk about and for me I am often really down. Even now I can’t get the images of her with these guys out of my head or the questions around whether she cheated. The questions go around in my mind continuously when I am in this state. Then at other times I am able to put them aside and life is good. My problem is that I don’t know if this is normal for a relationship or should I consider leaving. One thing is certain. I have not been able to move on and am often unhappy though I don’t always tell her.
I know that other posts go into great detail so that you can get the full picture and I am happy to expand on my concerns but I didn’t want to bore you. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

it is always me that is unhappy and that we have never really resolved the issues
Red flags or not - YOU are unhappy.
So what you need to ask yourself is 'Do I deserve to be happy?'
And of course the answer to that is YES!!!!
So then.... 'Why are you living this half life of unhappiness?'
What is the point of this?
Do you have DC together?
Do you have a mortgage together?

They certainly sound like some warning signs to me. Maybe a frank conversation is required where you outline how you feel. If she doesn't respond positively then you will have your answer. In the meantime try and work out if you think the relationship is worth saving or if she makes you miserable more than she makes you happy

Hi OP, it really depends on what these "inappropriate things" are, doesn't it? What you consider inappropriate might be crossing the line for you, but for another person it might just be normal interaction.

Difficult to judge fairly without more information.

(paying too much attention to men when I was there which was extremely humiliating and embarrassing).

Again, in what way was your partner "paying too much attention"? Her paying attention to other people shouldn't make you feel humiliated or embarrassed.

Do her actions make you feel insecure in your relationship? Do you think she needs to change her behaviour, if it's upsetting you? Is that a reasonable ask?

I think in a normal healthy relationship, each person would respect their partner's views. But then obviously it would depend on whether those views are reasonable in the first place... Not Othello-levels of insane jealousy for example.

But I think you've answered your own question - if you can't get over it, that doesn't sound as though you want to live with it does it? Either you change yourself, if you can change the way you react to her behaviour, or you change the relationship by leaving it.

Thanks everyone for your responses.
@hellsbellsmelons. That is my problem, I’m just not happy but we generally get on really well. When I am able to put them aside I am but then I am reminded of things and I get down. To the outside world we seem like the ideal couple. My unhappiness stems from issues of trust and honesty. No DC’s but our lives are very entwined.
@Fairycake2. I’ve tried in the past but she says that it was nothing and that she has never cheated. I feel that she never answers questions and sometimes is silent or says that she doesn’t know. In many ways there is not much to work on as we get on well. It is these times that haunt me and bring up all sorts of questions. I am not sure if the relationship is worth saving. Some things can be worked on like her behaviour but if she has been cheating then I’m not sure.
@chanchanchan. I am wary of giving too much info and find it difficult to discuss my relationship but don’t have anywhere to turn so will describe one incident.
We were out with a large group some of whom we hardly knew and others that we knew very well. She had had a few drinks and as a few of us were sitting together she said to a guy(we both know him though I wouldn’t call him a friend) that he was so cute and held his face in her hands and kissed him on the cheek. We were sitting together and then she sat on his lap and asked me to take a picture of them. I can’t describe how humiliated and embarrassed I was but I remained composed and wrote it off as drink induced slobbering. I of course did tell her about how I felt(when she was sober) and that he obviously thought that she had the hots for him but she couldn’t see it and denied that she fancied him.
And this is one of my questions. Is this type of thing normally acceptable? I don’t see other women acting in this way but maybe I’m missing something.
Also I’m not jealous but I do have feelings and am trying to work out if they are justified.
As above I could work on the behaviour but the honesty and questions about cheating are more difficult.

Sorry but that one incident is not acceptable. If this is how she behaves then she has zero respect for your feelings here. Especially as you are clearly telling her that is humiliates you. Why would someone you love want to humiliate you?
Its no wonder you feel down when you are not resolving past issues and these can often fester.
How long have you been together?

To answer your question, I think it depends entirely on what the things she has done have been. I think it's normal in any relationship to notice other people and to find other people attractive. That happens, everyone is only human. It's not okay to rub your partner's nose in it or be disrespectful about it, or to cross boundaries with other people when you are in a committed relationship. I've certainly found other men attractive and stared at them. I've been happily with my dh for 11 years. I would never point this out to him or make a big deal of it. I assume he has done the same, but I'd never know because we keep these thoughts to ourselves and are otherwise happy and have a great relationship.

Talking with friends that so and so is attractive or staring at another person, probably not a big deal, and might be more a sign of insecurity on your part. Making a big deal of it, constantly reminding you of how other people are more attractive than you, or seeking out others behind your back though, not okay and a big red flag. What you describe above is a bit questionable, but we all sometimes get a bit silly after a few drinks, and if it was a one off, I wouldn't throw a whole relationship away over it.

But I guess it depends on whether there is more to the story than that. Ultimately though, life is too short to be unhappy and if you aren't, and she is doing nothing to address it, then it may be time to cut your losses. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship were I felt devalued and unhappy.

@anotherdisaster. Thanks. I feel that it isn’t but needed another opinion. When we spoke about it(because she did something similar) she didn’t comment on the humiliation aspect. She said that it was nothing, that she didn’t fancy him and that her actions wouldn’t imply to him that she did. My thoughts run wild. Already I have trust issues due to other things that have happened during our relationship and now I wonder how she behaves when I am not there.
Yes they certainly fester. We’ve been together a very long time.

It doesn’t matter if she fancies him or not, she’s behaving in a disrespectful manner to you. I wonder how she would feel if you were to have another woman sit on your knee and call her cute? I suspect she may get pleasure from making you jealous and this is not good.
If she refuses to see her behaviour is a problem then you need to question why you’re in this relationship.

@mindutopia. Thanks. Please see my response to @anotherdisaster. I don’t think that it is unacceptable but left it until the next time that she did something as I couldn’t get my head around it.
I agree we are only human and I would be lying if I said that I never looked at another woman or found them attractive but I would never act like that especially if my OH was there. She does the same, but definitely comments on men that she finds attractive so much so that I once (later not at the time)told her that I wasn’t one of her girlfriends and didn’t want to feel him to see how fit he was. I also pointed out that although people comment on my physique(I am certainly not a bodybuilder but do take care of myself)she only does so regarding other guys. She says that she does find me attractive but her behaviour doesn’t seem to back this up. My ego is intact I think but as I said before I do have feelings. I should point out that she hasn’t done anything recently(that I know of) in this way but I still have to deal with the other issues. Also these aren’t daily occurrences but are not great when they do happen. Maybe she is working on it but I’m still waiting for the next one.
Again as I have mentioned there are other issues and even when I bring them up she just says that there is nothing to discuss.Yes I want to be happy and have been struggling with these types of things for a long time. The devalued thing I thought might have been me overreacting but as you indicated there is always more to a story. I am thinking of calling it a day as I am too often unhappy but am also worried that I will be worse afterwards.

@anotherdisaster. She didn’t answer when I asked if she would like it. I know that she had had a few drinks but it was early in the evening. I do wonder what she was intending to do with the picture( though she obviously wasn’t thinking at all at the time) but there’s no place for it on out mantle piece. I don’t think that she was trying to make me jealous. I think that it is more about her than me but what do I know? I also don’t know if she sees her behaviour as a problem because she didn’t say anything, not even an apology, just a denial that she fancies him or that he could have interpreted from her actions that she did. She usually just goes quiet.

I wouldn't say the incident you describe above is normal. It's certainly not behaviour I would do if I had a partner. And I can see why you find it hurtful. She either doesn't care about your feelings or she's doing these things to get a reaction from you. Either way it is not nice

I agree, you may not think she is trying to make you jealous but she is persistently doing something that you have told her you don't like. Its not good, whatever her reasons are.
She doesn't make you happy and isn't prepared to even discuss things.

Well, her reluctance to discuss her behaviour doesn't bode well for a future together.

And no, the scenario that you described would not be acceptable behaviour for my relationship. Time to think hard about whether you can brush off her disregard for you and stay together.

Thanks Fairycake2 and anotherdisaster. I appreciate your advice it helps to put perspective on things. Anotherdisaster I wouldn’t say that she persistently does the same thing but I am just waiting for the next one which is why I asked if this type of behaviour is acceptable. I do resent having to bring it all up and thought that if you are in a loving relationship then no one would do things like this not just because they don’t want to hurt their partner but because they just don’t have those feelings in the first place. Perhaps I am just naive.
Speaking of naive any thoughts on the trust issues? I am convinced that she has cheated but she denies it. I have read on other posts and also believe that the cheaters never tell the whole truth even if they admit it. She has certainly lied to me in the past so it makes her difficult to believe when things look suspect.

What makes you think she has cheated? To be honest, if the behaviour you have told us about is anything to go by, I wouldn't be overly surprised. If she has form for lying then its highly likely. It really comes as no surprise you have trust issues with her and she's not trying to help things.

Does anyone know how I could find a support group or even an online one that is not a general forum?
I would like to talk to someone but don't have anyone because the person that I would normally talk to is the cause of my pain.

Thanks again anotherdisaster. I don't want to bore you with all of the sordid details but they did include a letter from an admirer who claimed that she had feelings for him.
I knew that they were friends but she made sure that we didn't meet and when I had seen him in passing and he could barely look at me. I didn’t like him visiting her when I wasn’t there in the evenings with bottles of wine and giving her presents and when I told her so she said that she wouldn’t allow it anymore and would return the presents. I said a few times that he was keen on her but she flatly denied it, they were just friends. More lies. Then the letter. This was early in our relationship and I left her but she pleaded and pleaded and swore that nothing had happened and I gave in.