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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where to meet friends my own age??

24 replies

Wondersense · 09/12/2019 10:08

I'm in my early 30s with no children and noticed a few years ago that from the age of 29 , women start disappearing from public view. I've been on train carriages and buses many times where there are 20 - 30 men, but only 4 women on there consisting of me, a teenage girl and maybe two women in their 50's. Occasionally I'll see a woman my age with a child in a cafe or walking down the street, but unless you turn up at very specific time of day they're pretty much like unicorns. It's very strange when you are a woman my age walking down a street full of people and not see any woman between 28 - 37 around you!

I go out to creative & arty events and they are largely absent there as well. Many are at home I think or only attend events for small children, families or mums when they do go out.

I've made friends with women that were older in the past but given the fact that the age gap was 15 - 20 years, I'd really like to make some close friends my age where I'm at a similar stage of life with shared experiences and cultural references. I still value the friendship of women who aren't my age of course, be they younger or older, but I hope you understand why I'm searching for ones my own age in particular.

I can't do that thing where mums meet in the park because their kids have started to play together and I can't meet anyone at the school gates, so as a childless woman where can I regularly meet them??

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 09/12/2019 11:13

Join meetup - down load the app . If there isn’t a group in your area then start one - a your can do it .

PumpkinP · 09/12/2019 11:35

Really I can’t say I’ve experienced that at all, must be where you live. Your not going to make friends with people on the bus/train anyway.

Wondersense · 09/12/2019 12:08

I've already been to some events via MeetUp and have found the same. Lots of women in late teens & early twenties, and a few in their 40s - 60s, and then me. There might be one or two who's my own age there, but not many. Also, there seems to be a fair amount of people who turn up to those events who are very socially awkward, shy, or seem to have been sent there by their therapist. Either that or they turn up in pairs or threes where they seem quite close off and not interested in branching out of that little group, which is fair enough. I'm a supportive person, but due to past experiences, I'm not looking for unbalanced friendships where I'm doing a lot of emotional labour.

OP posts:
Stokey1412 · 09/12/2019 12:10

Well with an attitude like that then maybe you should get your own therapist ? 🤷‍♀️

twentynineyears · 09/12/2019 12:13

Where abouts are you?

I'm also struggling with this.

Thickums · 09/12/2019 12:23

I hear ya!

Im in my late twenties and have lots and lots of friends but it took a lot of work!!

I actually made one friend on the bus. Before i could drive me and a girl a sinilar age used to be on the same bus to work everyday.. After about 2 months of us smiling at eachother i finally asked her where she worked and voila.. Been friends for years since amd regularly go out.

Another friend i met during a hobby. Me and her hit it off due to being in similar professions and loving rnb music. We've been dubai, LA, san Francisco and Italy since that day of meeting.

I met about 7 good friends through work. Took time but after a few months i invited a couple to an event outside of work and they said yes. We all work in different places now but we just got back from a girls trip yesterday for 2 nights at a lodge!

It takes time and i do worry that over the next 5 years or so they'll all start settling and having babies/marriage.

I have a handful of friends with small kids and i see them about two or three times a year due to their commitments which im fine with as i have so many other friendship groups. But if they were all with families then i wouldn't have as many people to hang out with.

I'm very sociable though and have friends of all ages.

Gay men seem to be a constant for me in terms of friendship as none of them have kids and live a similar lifestyle to myself of holidays, work and socialising (i realize thats a massive generalization and some may decide to adopt in the future).

What area are you in? If your local then im happy for you to come join one of my rendezvous!! .

You will get there but it does take time and work at first. I now dont have a free weekend in my diary until feb! But several years ago after uni i had many free weekends due to lack of young childree females so i empathize!!

DorothyParkersCat · 09/12/2019 12:30

go out to creative & arty events and they are largely absent there as well.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'creative and arty events' but my experience is totally the reverse of yours. Most things like art gallery private views, wine tastings, cocktail parties are stuffed full of single women in their late 20s/early 30s.

I'm in London though so I wonder if it is to do with your location and the sort of things you are going to.

In London, many (not all) young professionals tend to settle down later and start to have children around age 35 ish so at your age are still focussed on going out and having fun.

Other options I'd suggest are regular volunteering as many volunteer organisations are stuffed with women with very few men. You naturally make friends if you are going every week and seeing the same people day in day out.

DorothyParkersCat · 09/12/2019 12:34

I meant to say that you are very unlikely to make a new friend from a one off meeting at a single event like an art gallery opening. It's never impossible but its not common.

Friendship grows out of repeated contact usually enforced contact like work or school or university. As an adult, the three best ways to obtain enforced contact that allows friendship to grow outside of work are volunteering, a course of learning or a touring holiday.

Wondersense · 09/12/2019 14:24

@Stokey1412 That was unfair. I've had a situation in the past where someone treated me like a 24hr therapist, completely ignoring the fact that I have emotional needs too. I've been in social circles where I've ended up doing all the work, asking all the questions whilst they've all stood with nothing much to say. I've lived with a mentally ill housemates that pushed me to tears many times because of the stress of living with and around their needs & complexities. I just want people on the same level as me. I'm very supportive but I don't have endless emotional reserves to keep helping people with multiple, on going issues. Life's too short.

OP posts:
Wondersense · 09/12/2019 14:27

I'm in Manchester. Yes, repeated contact is important. Been thinking about doing a course in dressmaking actually.

OP posts:
Tiredandgrumpytonight · 09/12/2019 14:31

I know exactly what you mean. I’m a member of a group for women and it’s generally, mostly women over 50 who attend the events and whilst they’re absolutely lovely, I’d love to meet some women my own age - but I feel I can’t suggest an event for people under 30 say, because that’s really not fair and I get that. I also feel these women that are older than me probably don’t see me as friend material because I may be similar ages with their own children.

I did half think of creating a sort of ‘dating’ group for women on Facebook where people could post and say eg I’m desperate to see Last Christmas at X cinema, does anyone fancy joining me? But I’m not 100% sure how the logistics would work.

Meet-up I find is more about just being able to do something with a group rather than a way to meet people you can go for dinner with, shopping, cinema and just chat to back and forth about things.

Wondersense · 09/12/2019 14:33

@DorothyParkersCat The above post was for you ☝️

OP posts:
TheLidoOfThighs · 09/12/2019 14:35

Aside from a handful of childhood friends, all mine are from previous/current workplaces, courses and volunteering/being involved in community groups.

Do you work with many people your own age?

Might you come across a bit closed off, due to previous experiences of overly demanding friends? If you attract that kind of person and have consciously or unconsciously started avoiding them, I think you have to gradually relearn to come across as open again.

Wondersense · 09/12/2019 14:36

@Tiredandgrumpytonight I think there's nothing wrong with that. I know a local walking group that's for 20s - 30s.

OP posts:
Tiredandgrumpytonight · 09/12/2019 14:40

Do you attend any of them OP?

Wondersense · 09/12/2019 14:42

@TheLidoOfThighs No I don't think so. I would say I'm average - open. Unfortunately I don't work with anyone my own age!! They are all in their 50s & 60s. The younger ones in their early twenties left recently to retrain in another area due to the instability of the job and lack of prospects.

OP posts:
TheLidoOfThighs · 09/12/2019 14:52

Walking is a good call if there's a lot of repeat attenders, because it's a low pressure chat situation.

It's a shame about work, but I'm assuming you like your job and work context and don't want to change that.

It does sound like you've got quite drawn into supporting people in the past. I wouldn't avoid the shy people you see at events, they aren't all going to be emotional vampires. If you've figured out how to manage the amount you get drawn in, then there's no risk in chatting to them. It is entirely normal to feel shy at an event where you know no one!

Wondersense · 09/12/2019 15:30

I'm actually looking to change jobs for various reasons. Regarding the past, I've picked extreme examples - I didn't really have a choice regarding who moved to out house because the landlord decided that, but I've seen how exhausting being around people's issues can be.

@Tiredandgrumpytonight No because pretty much all of them are on weekends, and I work most weekends. Plus most of them are 5 hr heavy ones and they're willing to go put in all weathers, which is pretty harsh around the Peak District.

OP posts:
MTJJ · 09/12/2019 16:52

Hi. The 'dating' app Bumble also has a BFF section and a networking section (you can block the dating bit). I'm in my mid 40s and have already made several new friends in a month using the BFF bit, one of whom I already get on brilliantly with and meeting more people through her. Maybe give it a try - you can set an age range.

AutumnRose1 · 09/12/2019 17:05

@MTJJ

Ooh. I’ve not heard of that. I might try it though I don’t care about age, more that someone is local.

Tiredandgrumpytonight · 09/12/2019 17:27

OMG I’ve just joined and my heart is in my mouth. I’m terrified someone I know sees me on there and thinks how tragic is she? (Not that I think it’s tragic!).

Wish you didn’t have to put a pic.

PumpkinP · 09/12/2019 23:39

I don’t think it’s tragic at all! Nothing wrong with wanting some friends and wouldn’t that mean they are looking for the same thing aswell if they see you??

BikeRunSki · 09/12/2019 23:46

Evening classes (I did Photography for years, Feminism and conversational French)
Walking Group
Cycling club
Running Clubp

TinManc · 10/12/2019 02:28

Hi. If you like walking check out www.freshwalks.co.uk/ where Mcr people of all ages meet, and walk. Not all 5 hour slogs in the Peak District & beyond (on Fridays) but smaller, quicker afternoon/ lunchtime city walks etc. Can be very social, especially in the pub afterwards. Often the same faces show up so easy to build friendships. @freshwalks if you're on Twitter

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