How did you feel about yourself after ex cheating.

[dinerindallas]

Just that.Ive been dumped by exh after 20 years. I'm still in the middle of the storm. It's crucifying.Im mid 40'swith kids and he left for other woman.
Did any of you blame yourself. Did your self esteem suffer as I am also
Questioning my physical appearance now also, which I always felt confident about.not any more though.
Is that normal?

I was floored, devastated, thought it was my fault, kept going around and around in my head what did I do wrong? My self esteem plummeted, he left for OW, younger, prettier etc etc....couldnt think straight or breathe. Took several years to recover but I have completely recovered, stronger, happier and grateful he left for her as my life is so different and happier now. On a side note his OW left him a few months ago and he tried to make waves to come back to me....it was a no from me!

Thanks for reply.I don't know anything
About the ow. I don't want to know yet. I only know that she was well
Aware that he was married with three children when they met and continued their affair for six months so that's all I need to know about her.
I always had high esteem and in ways I still do.I amterribly embarrassed though. I wonder if people are saying I wasn't good enough or not young enough or attentive enough. And then I think... fuck him... he had it all on a plate but couldn't get joy from his wife and family.

This was me a couple of years ago. You’re right in your description of being in the middle of the storm. My ex left me for another woman. I couldn’t understand why he had treated me like that, what had I done? As much as I was upset, I also knew that we didn’t have a marriage worth saving. I knew that I hadn’t been happy but struggled with the fact that he wasn’t when basically he did what he wanted and I took care of the kids, home, finances etc. I still don’t understand his motivation, probably just that he also knew our marriage was over and this was the easiest way out. I do know what I did wrong, I put up with things when I shouldn’t have done, I should’ve been brave enough to end it before.
Yes as far as confidence in my appearance, I struggled with the idea of anyone finding me attractive at 40+ with wrinkles, stretch marks etc. Then I realised that I wasn’t hoping that I would eventually meet a teenage supermodel! You have history, that might show physically but also intellectually and emotionally, you don’t want to meet a teenage supermodel (but you might like to look at them!).

Thank pp. sounds like a carbon copy of my situation .

I have been through this too. My now ex-h left me for a much older woman who is really quite unattractive and is utterly malicious and narcissistic. It destroyed my self esteem and confidence. I have lost the ability to trust. I have always looked after myself, dressed well, and am told I am very attractive. That can’t be true though can it? Because he preferred this nasty piece of shit over his wife and toddler. They have continued to mock me, mock my mental health and difficult financial situation and this has gone on for six years. I know I didn’t do anything wrong and I know I was a good wife. He, however, was a shit husband and I have since discovered, a prolific cheat. They are far better suited than we ever were! You will recover in time OP, I would suggest counselling as that really helped me. One day you’ll be in a much better place 💐

XH had been seeing the OW for over a year when we split. He had manufactured a suicidal friend (whose wife had just left him) and he had to stay over and keep him company - mostly at weekends. And Christmas night! We lived quite rurally so I thought he was being thoughtful by staying over rather than asking me to get a baby and toddler into a car to go pick him up....

I felt ugly and stupid (it was so obvious and I was the only one who didn't see it), I was terrified because I had no income. I didn't want my children to grow up with a single parent. That wasn't what I had signed up for.

I did have tremendous friends and a great GP. I was totally rock bottom and my health visitor said "So you think things can't get any worse? That's great because life can only get better now." I thought that was trite and insulting at the time but she was dead right.

Reflecting back, it was the best thing to happen to me. I had to get a job (which I hated but it set me on the path I'm on now which I love). I have a wonderful husband. I've discovered a confidence that I never had before -probably because I've been forced to just deal with situations.

I think you have to look after yourself, take time to heal (I'd say at least 18 months for me) and look ahead to creating and controlling your own future.

Worthless, piece of shit, Not Good Enough. 4 years on

I went through a huge period of what’s wrong with me? Not least because he made it all my fault too and then she made my life hell. Now though, I realise that there is/was nothing wrong with me. Neither of them were nice people and they were immeasurably cruel to make me think that it was anything to do with me.

It has nothing to do with you not being enough and everything to do with him being a pathetic excuse for a human being. You will get through it and come out stronger.

I felt like I wasn't good enough and that the OW was better than me in every possible way - younger, prettier, skinnier, more intelligent, more successful etc etc. I felt like there must have been something wrong with me because I thought we had a happy life together and didn't see any other reason for him looking for another woman. I'd just had a baby so was already not feeling great about my body but this just made me feel like the fattest and ugliest person on earth. I'd been bullied at school for being fat and this just brought it all back and made me feel like no one would ever want me because of my appearance.

I'm so sorry you are going through this

It's still less than a month ago since I found out about my ex having an affair (for a year). I'm around the same age as you, also with kids.. and I feel all those things you do, so I hope that yes, it's normal!

I'm having really good days and really raw, feeling sorry for myself days. Today is a good day, Ive managed to keep myself busy and enjoy small things to keep my mood up (I bought a Yucca for my sitting room and went for a walk with my fave music on my headphones!) 2 days ago I just wanted to crawl under my bed and never move with the embarrassment and uglinessI felt.

Take each day as it comes, I just think "tomorrow will be better" and let myself feel all those negative things on a bad day, I've written so many letters to my cheating scumbag of a partner (he will never see them ).

Truth is, we were just too good for our ex partners, instead of looking at yourself for faults, look at his personality- cheaters have low self esteem, they are insecure in themselves, a fear of not being loved enough, lack empathy, huge sense of entitlement and self destructive.

Believe in your self worth, you are worth a million of your ex, you did not deserve this no matter what, he CHOSE to do this, nobody forced him. I am not in the slightest interested in a partner for the forseeable so Im not spending time on my appearance to bag another partner- I do my hair different or try out a new make up look for me!

Take a leaf out of our ex's book... me, me, me.. look after yourself, be kind to yourself.. thinking of you x

That’s a lovely post @Taetoes and I agree with everything you say. You have just described my ex to a tee actually. It takes time to realise that the inadequacies are with the man and OW. They also have to live with knowing that they are cheats and liars and for some reason that brings out anger in them. I’ve had reams of vicious diatribe from OW but actually she is just projecting rather than admitting she’s not very decent or acknowledging the destruction the pair of them have wrought on both me and the children. They all follow the same script. It’s hard to believe you’ll ever recover when it happens but you do and life is better without living with somebody you can never trust and who will always put their “wants” first.

Please don’t allow this to affect your self worth (I know that’s hard) - it’s about him, not you. His inability to be honest and faithful.

My ex cheated on me several time (that I’m aware of) all with younger women at work. But I made sure I didn’t allow myself to do the ‘what do they have that I Don’t’ feelings. .. way I see it, I’m not only looking good myself, I have far more integrity and kindness and dignity that any of the women who knew he was married and did what they did anyway.

I now have a new partner, love, respect and happiness, something you will find again too.

And my ex’s other woman has a serial cheater and probably little peace in her heart as she probably knows it’s only time before he does the exact same thing to her.

What @janaus50s said but I am 7 years on . It must have been me because they are still happily together and I am the one worse off . Life keeps knocking me down I am sure they must spend nights laughing at me .

Thanks for your lovely comments . It's hard not to feel inadequate but then my rational side kicks in and I remember that it is he who jumped into bed with a woman who was well aware of his marital situation and his children with special needs so they are well matched . Yes to no integrity, kindness or dignity on their behalfs. Yes to karma.

Totally understandable

I certainly struggled especially as I knew ow (supposedly mutual friend) and even prior to their affair people had commented on how alike we were, that she looked like my (much) younger sister. He literally went for a younger version of me!

Not just looks either we had various other things in common too which is weird, but she's more passive, more forgiving of a mug than I am!

Now nearly 20 years later, they're still together - and she honestly looks older than me! No doubt at least in part to do with putting up with his shit! (Lazy, repeated infidelity, not great with money...)

I seriously had a job convincing someone fairly recently when they'd seen a pic of my ex and her on sm that she's actually over 10 years younger than me.

But yes it's tough at the start, I was still carrying weight gain from having dd, stretch marks and c-section scar from that too, starting to go grey, was probably dressing more for comfort than style with a wee one to run around after

In the first 2 years after the split I dropped a load of weight, went back to uni which stimulated more interest in how I looked too and I changed my hairstyle and started colouring it.

But weirdly I then regained some weight and was in a job where comfy clothes were more practical, it was around this time they were organising their wedding, I got lots of compliments from ex after handovers of dd which I ignored but found... interesting. Then the night before the wedding he outright propositioned me!

Looks are not the only factor in attractiveness, it's part of it but not the whole thing. Also I've found from interactions with others apart from ex that my body with more weight is attractive to many who actually wouldn't have been attracted to my previously much slimmer body.

It's understandable to focus on this aspect but ime it has nothing to do with why people cheat.

They cheat because of their own insecurities, because they think they won't get caught, for the ego stroking, easy sex, novelty value...

I've had some illuminating conversations with my ex on why he cheated, a big factor seems to have been he freaked out about hitting a milestone birthday, hated the idea of getting older and wanted reassurance he could still "pull" a young attractive (to others) woman.

With all that happened after the affair was out in the open, I don't doubt his claims that he never intended to actually leave me for her, she was only meant to be a bit on the side temporarily but my discovering the affair and not being willing to be treated like that and then very shortly after I kicked him out she discovered she was pregnant meant things didn't go how he planned at all! Well you reap what you sow.

They're now married (he dragged his heels over divorce but told her it was me to avoid remarrying) with 5 kids, I have it on good authority they're both miserable, he keeps cheating but feels unable to end things, she feels trapped into staying because she doesn't want him treating their kids like he did/does our dd (avoided paying cm as much as possible, made little to no effort to maintain contact/a relationship with her). He feels sucked dry financially, she feels knackered out doing all child responsibilities and vast majority of household chores.

My life is not going well at the moment due to health issues but in terms of being single/my relationship life since the split and raising dd for the most part I've had a better time of it than they have.

He isn't worth you worrying about what you did "wrong" or if he no longer found you attractive honestly. It's very rarely anything to do with any of that despite what they might say (cheaters script to blame cheated on spouse/partner, revise history of relationship etc)

So please don't fret on that. Concentrate on what makes you feel good and happy and sod him!

Thank you for taking the time to write all of that and to the other pps who are so supportive.
There is part
Of me that's relieved as I was always so stressed, so haggard, so exhausted from juggling all. The balls. He was a man child who contributed so little in terms of the practical and emotional that I expect my healing might not be as bad as Inexpect.

You sound insightful and sensible I'm sure you'll be fine.

But it's completely understandable to have a bit of a wobble.

I also felt embarrassed about what people thought about me but then I was actually pleased that his cheating came out. People now knew that it was him who did this to our family, him who is a lying shit, him who is a low life scum bag.
It would be very unlikely if your self esteem didn’t take a knock, that you didn’t question yourself and blame yourself, it’s only natural. But I think the majority of cheaters don’t do it because the ow is more attractive (either physically or emotionally) plenty of men are attracted to women but they don’t go and cheat on their wives! Cheaters do it for their own narcissistic issues.
Admittedly it was easier for me, ow was an ugly cow with zero personality
You will heal and you will fly!

My ex cheated and left me for her after knowing her for one day. I felt (and still do to some extent, it was almost 6 months ago) completely and utterly worthless. That he could leave me for someone he had not even known for 24 hours! How are you supposed to feel about that :(
I felt like it was completely my fault, there's posts I have on here saying as such, all the ifs and could haves that I could have done.
I'm still pulling myself along but honestly it hit me very hard, I blamed myself a lot for not being good at the intimacy side of things (not very tactile person, he knew this as we were together a year and a half! No problem before she came along...not that I knew of anyway) so I now think about how much happier he is now as she probably is more tactile!

I am doing a lot better and try not to focus on those thoughts anymore and actually after some therapy sessions I'm finally starting to have some more self confidence, more than I've had for years (root of my intimacy issues really) which is such a positive step.
You will have wobbles, I certainly still do, and healing isn't a linear process but we will all get there :)