Coping strategies

[BayTiger]

Hello, I have written several threads before about my relationship problems and think I have probably exhausted people’s patience. The reason I’m posting again is that I feel really low and there is no one I can really speak to. I’ve talked to my mum and she thinks that though my husband has faults I also contribute by being bossy and bad tempered.

My husband has episodes of being verbally abusive and in between is very charming. When he is being nice is when I feel bad tempered and am bossy I think.

A couple of weeks ago things came to a head as he went out, told me he was on his way home at 9, but didn’t turn up till nearly 3am. This is a sporadic thing that happens and I find it really disrespectful. I told him that I was on the verge of leaving and that he is also verbally abusive and so I would only stay if he addresses all this with counselling.

He is now making a big effort, his dad, who generally ignores me got in touch saying how he backs me and supports me re the drinking. My husband said his dad twice rang him and laid into him. I think his dad is only being kind to me out of fear of me leaving and my husband going off the rails.

I find myself with simmering anger that the effort is only being made due to the telling off by his dad, not because of what I’ve been saying all these years. I feel very low and bad tempered with him and he is being very nice.

I am now seeing a counsellor and through this I really mean it when I say I will leave him after the next ‘event’ if he doesn’t get help.

What I am wondering is how to manage in the meantime with these angry feelings when he is clearly making an effort.

He has shown no interest in helping bath and put our daughter to bed. Now he wants to get involved. I have taken her to several theatre shows and he has always refused to come, once I bought him a ticket and he wasted it. Now he keeps suggesting shows to go to and I feel like I don’t want him to come.

A big issue has been his obsession over our daughter’s eating. I’ve been trying to follow advice from the HV to feed her in the high chair and then if she doesn’t eat it calmly take it away until the next meal time. This was starting to work but now she has got used to being fed sat in front of the TV which is his way to do it. I’ve now ended up having to do that too and then he asked me why she wasn’t eating in the high chair.

I’ve just asked him if we could go back to trying the HV’s method and he will only agree if I get rid of her high chair. I started crying as it feels like he can never go along with anything without a condition. I’m a SAHM so feels like everything I do is undermined.

Mum just told me I need to see a GP because of my low mood but the point is I’m not ill its a side effect of how he treats me.

I suppose I have to give him a chance to make some changes before making a final decision. I think the counselling is really helping and hopefully I will gather my strength together. The thing is he is so nice when he is being nice and I think even my family are taken in. My mum told me I need to make an effort as well, which I suppose is true.

I meant to add that my mum thinks we should go to couple’s counselling. I said I’d read it wasn’t a good idea if someone was being verbally abusive, but my own counsellor said it’s only if there is physical violence. Mum has just suggested to my husband that we go for couple’s counselling and he thinks it’s a good idea. Do people think it would be a good idea since he’s making an effort?

BayTiger

Make a decision and asap for you and with you in mind. Certainly not with either him or your mother in mind here.

I remember you and you have indeed written about your H at some length before now. How many more chances should he get, he's already had more than enough!.

Your mother has given you some really crappy counsel here and therefore it should be disregarded. You need to make an effort indeed, sheesh!!!. She on a far wider level taught you some really damaging lessons on relationships as well and that is partly why you ended up marrying this man. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of ANY TYPE within the relationship and now this man is starting on your daughter now as well. You and this man should not be together any longer.

What has stopped you to date from making a complete break?. Examine those reasons carefully.

"I meant to add that my mum thinks we should go to couple’s counselling. I said I’d read it wasn’t a good idea if someone was being verbally abusive, but my own counsellor said it’s only if there is physical violence"

Your current counsellor is wrong and has a poor understanding of abuse and abusive relationships. If this person is indeed a member of a counselling body then he/she should be reported to same. I would not further see this person.

Talk to Womens Aid instead BayTiger, doing that would be far more beneficial to you. What you are describing here is domestic abuse really and as I wrote before he is now starting on your child.

I also think your mother and he are working in cahoots with each other and that is really bad news for you as well. Both are as bad as one another here and she probably idolises your H on some level too, they are two peas out of the same rotten pod.

Thank you Attila, I know there is no more advice anyone can give me as I know the situation I’m in now. I think with my mum she genuinely thinks she knows better than me and that I’m being really stubborn. She thinks a counsellor will point out to my husband that he’s being verbally abusive if I word things carefully. I told her it could make things worse for me but I think if you only see him now and then what I’m saying wouldn’t make sense. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m exaggerating things as I get quite bad tempered myself, (perimenopause!) so maybe I trigger it off.

Now she’s suggested couple’s counselling he’s spinning it that his issues stem from problems between us whereas I think it’s the other way round.

The thing is where he’s making such a huge effort he’s coming across really well and where I’m feeling low and flat I probably seem like the worse one.

Usually if I speak to her on the phone she sees my point of view but when my husband is being like this you can’t help but like him.
He’s really affectionate with our child but I’ve noticed he will never say no so he’s made himself into the figure of fun. But he gets so obsessive about certain things.

Thank you again for replying to me again.

Don't be clinical. Every individual has their individual way of doing things. Although from your thread it seems like you are fed up of trying. To try though I would agree with your dh with going out feeding DD ect. Just to keep things at peace.