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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separating

18 replies

Pennyandme · 08/12/2019 19:08

Hi all

My first post here and I don’t feel I can talk to anyone I know in person.

My husband is a good father, there’s nothing hugely “wrong” but I don’t enjoy being together. I find looking after my young children much easier when he’s not around and we have more fun.

I feel awful typing this but I’m wondering if the reality is I’d be happier separated.

Financially it won’t be easy but it’s doable.

When do you “know”? I feel awful because there’s not one thing I can say is the reason, it’s how I feel overall.

OP posts:

Glosstwit · 08/12/2019 20:20

You know when you start asking these types of questions to yourself regularly

Original poster

Pennyandme · 08/12/2019 21:01

I think I’m trying to find a reason. There isn’t anything in particular like I read on here but I just don’t feel like I should

OP posts:

MsNobodyHere · 08/12/2019 21:42

I didn't have a definitive reason either. Other than I kept having naggings doubts that just grew the more I ignored them. Eventualy I just became more and more unhappy and withdrawn until I knew it was inevitable.

Sometimes there doesn't need to be affair/abuse etc. Just the fact we don't love them/have come to the end of the relationship is enough. When I finally ended it, I felt so relieved and have been much happier since.

Original poster

Pennyandme · 09/12/2019 20:52

That’s me - becoming withdrawn. How did you take the plunge? X

OP posts:

user1479305498 · 09/12/2019 20:58

I think many nice women feel there has to be a 'reason'and a big one at that to split. You aren't alone OP. There are many women on here who have said they wish their H would bugger off with someone etc, simply because they can't face the 'I want to separate' conversation

MsNobodyHere · 09/12/2019 21:58

Yep, I found messages, not incriminating but over friendly, between ex and a woman. I confronted him and hoped it was an affair as my get out. As it was he denied anything and deleted what was on his phone after I asked to see it and that was it. I had nothing and still don't know. I think it ws an EA tbh.

In the end I was so withdrawn and miserable and just hid away upstairs a lot that ex came and asked if I had been thinking about our relationship. I said yes and that I thought we were done. We had had 2 big conversations that year where I said I wasn't happy so he already had an inkling of where this was heading. I was just glad to get it out in the end.

Original poster

Pennyandme · 09/12/2019 21:59

I feel comforted. I’ve not told anyone and need to get a plan together first. I feel awful but I can’t carry on getting more miserable.

OP posts:

MsNobodyHere · 09/12/2019 22:07

You Cant. It's soul destroying. Ive3been depressed on and off for years. Always thought I never felt happy and didn't know how to. Ending my marriage was the best thing for me and I've been so happy this year. It's refreshing and I'm relieved I did it. I do feel bad for ex as he really loved me and wanted to fix it but I just didn't. He also said he'll stay single so I think it did him some damage but I couldn't continue on for the sake òf everyone else.

Have a vague plan. Find out money wise what you would be entitled to (I used entitledto.com). Given we had had discussions around a potential split I also knew he would move out and I work around school hours so would never have gone 50/50 with the kids.

You could see a solicitor for a free 1st appointment to see where you stand financially too.

loopylol1990 · 09/12/2019 22:08

Iv been with my partner 5 years now and we have a 3.5 year old son. Iv been unhappy aslong as I can remember which has turned into depression. Iv wrote him letters tried to talk etc and no changes. We barely speak to eachother as when I try to talk to him I get no response as hes to busy on his phone. My problem is altho I work he deals with all the finances of the house with his name on everything so could be awkward if we split. Another is I dont have anyone to rely on for childcare. But I'm just so miserable. Every night I keep telling myself I'm gonna talk to him tonight but here I am 5 years later. Wish I could just leave

Stella8686 · 09/12/2019 22:36

As long as you're not trying to replace your partner with an imaginary better one, or having envy for what you perceive others to have.

I believe you are at a point where you are imagining single life with your children. You ARE strong enough to do this! You're children would probably be better of as well. Happy mum, happy family.

Techway · 09/12/2019 23:00

How long have you been together? What did you like about him when you married?

I tend to think that marriage can be tricky at times especially after children when disconnection can happen so it is worth working at it so that you are sure it is the right decision.

Original poster

Pennyandme · 10/12/2019 06:26

Thank you for all your replies.

9 years.

I hide away upstairs a lot of the time. I work long hours do that helps disguise things.

I feel mostly numb and withdrawn.

He knows I’m not happy but won’t accept it’s the relationship. Even if he made more effort, it wouldn’t change anything.

My main thing is financially. A year or two ago it would have been much easier but now I need to wait a bit and save some money and get a plan of where to live sorted.

OP posts:

JWrecks · 10/12/2019 06:55

What is it that keeps you upstairs? Memories of better times that make you sad? Anxiety that he'll get into what you might call "one of his moods"? A general dislike for his habits? Knowing he'll speak to you awfully? What's got you feeling this way?

Have you found the reason? If not, try to think of what's got you looking for the reason. There must be something. We're here to listen and help, so you're free to tell us, whatever it may be.

Original poster

Pennyandme · 10/12/2019 08:51

I think it’s a general dislike. We don’t talk. I feel uncomfortable. I’d rather be on my own.

OP posts:

Techway · 10/12/2019 20:00

I hide away upstairs a lot of the time. I work long hours

How are you around other people? Could you be stressed and running on empty?

happytimesarecoming · 10/12/2019 20:30

I am in exactly the same position. There is nothing majorly wrong, he's a good dad, a good husband, good provider etc.

But I'm not in love with him. I love him as the kids dad and as a friend.

I want to separate but he won't hear of it; the damage it will do to the dc, he can't bear to be away from them, he adores me etc etc

I feel like you, it's easier on my own with the kids and we have more fun. He works weird shifts so I am always on my own anyway.

So I'm stuck. We agreed recently to have one last try and see if we can fix things but if not I want to live by myself

Spacebowlisback · 10/12/2019 20:45

Just to give an opposing view, I’ve regularly had moments like this when my kids were really little. Someone once told me not to do anything too drastic about a marriage in the first two years of a kids life (obviously within reason) and it has helped me. Now the kids are older I don’t feel like they anymore.

Original poster

Pennyandme · 10/12/2019 20:57

Techway - absolutely fine around others although last month felt a bit withdrawn but then started suggesting meeting up to friends and was ok.

Space - that’s good advice. My children are All over 2. The first year was definitely tough.

Happytimes - you were so brave to mention it to your husband. What was your plan now? X

OP posts:

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