Friendship doesn’t feel right any more.

[Helpmyhair2019]

Hello
For the last 10 years I have been good friends with a 4 work colleagues all currently between the ages of 40 and 55. We all have children of different ages from babies up to adults. We got on brilliantly at work and stayed in touch after we all started new jobs becoming ‘best friends’ I guess.

Over the last few years due to personal circumstances the friendships have changed. As I know is quite normal in friendships groups. A lot of my role has been of support to them through difficult times. I realised about 18 months ago that actually none of them knew anything about me at all any more and (through nobody’s fault I guess) i didn’t fit in and had a different outlook of life and didn’t find their behaviours and conversations were always very kind.

I tried to back away. However before I was able to do this totally, one friend’s adult daughter has become seriously ill. I didn’t feel I could just ‘dump’ her. However much I have tried to help this friend she refuses it and it is now becoming very worrying as a lot of of the uncomfortable behaviours I’ve witnessed recently have appeared even more now (ie lying about things, exaggerating, messages such as ‘I can’t talk but I’m really in a bad way’ followed by messages like ‘you don’t understand, no one helps’ and then when I try to help she gets angry).

The other friends have pretty much just given up on her. It always seems that when anyone actually has a problem that lasts longer than a couple of weeks they get fed up of it and start to try and put themselves at the forefront again.

None of them are really helping this other friend though on the surface say they are doing everything a good friend would do. I have tried for over 9 months to support her but it is actually making me feel quite depressed as it has taken over my life. She does have family and other friends. But is refusing help from everyone but then writes cryptic messages on Facebook about how lonely she feels.

There is a very high chance that her daughter will die soon despite there being a cure for her illness but the family and the daughter refuse all support and medical advice.

Obviously if she does die this is terrible. However, the other friends have already said that they will just offer commiserations but that’s as far as their thoughts go. I do have anxiety and depression and am aware that I have neglected my own family at times to help this person.

I am just not sure what to do or how to continue when I had already decided to back off from her and this group of friends before all this happened.

This shouldn't impact negatively on your life. Friendships should be supportive and reciprocal.

If they're intentionally disregarding medical advice that could save or prolong her life, that's their choice. It's devastating and as a friend I'd truthfully wonder why but I'd support as much as I could from afar.

Friendships change. People evolve differently and sometimes there's just a gradual parting of ways.

Don't feel guilty about it. Do what's best for you.

It's during hard times, that reveal your true friends including in work. I've made the mistake of letting people into my life when I was diagnosed with something serious. But once I was back things changed and it's not what it was. I am sorry that your colleague is going through something so tough and people are not being nice.

You need to work on self-esteem and boundaries. You seem to be confusing ‘friendship’ with ‘acting as an unappreciated (and apparently unwanted) support worker’. What would happen if you regarded friendship as ‘being around people I like and who
Ike me’?

You need to step back for your own MH, which sounds like it’s suffering massively.

I’d recommend coming off SM for a good while and soley focussing on your self and your immediate family, taking time to build your self esteem and then look at finding new friends who have the same outlook as you do.

Thank you very much. You are all spot on. I just needed to hear it from others as it can be hard to know what’s the right thing to do when you are in the thick of things. Should I say anything to the other friends or just back off quietly?

I'd say back off quietly. If you are confronted with poor me messages then just say how you are 'sorry to hear that ' but offer no solutions, ideas, help etc.

I was in a similar situation earlier this year - had a friend who claimed she was ill but would not say what was wrong with her . It was therefore difficult to know what to say and how much to empathise . She has always been a bit awkward and unfeeling to others . She would send messages like "In case you are wondering I, feeling fine today etc " ... had had enough this time so did stop communicating with her . I tried to tell her why but she turned it into a criticism of me . When you are dreading someone messaging or not knowing what to say it is a major stress ! I feel so much happier that this person is not in my life now. I would just back off quietly if you can - maybe a few comments about how this time of year is so busy etc .

Friendships should be reciprocal, over time, sounds like these ones stopped being that way a while back.

That’s very sad for your friend. If you want to continue to help, would reduce contact and only do what you can manage without affecting your own wellbeing and your family.

Your own mental health, concerns and family are more important.

Thank you. It is very sad for the friend however I cannot understand (and don’t pretend to either as you never know til you are in that position) why an entire family would reject medical help because none of them want the daughter to have this (treatable) illness. There are so many people seriously ill who would do anything for a simple cure. But that’s not my business and not for me to openly judge them but at the same time I can’t do any more to help other than offer support and point them in the directions of professional help.

I totally understand what a previous poster says about messages. If don’t message and ask how she is I get a text saying something like ‘just tomorrow you know, xyz has happened’. When I reply and offer support or ask ? I get ‘can’t talk now’!

That was meant to say ‘just to let you know xyz has happened’

Then don’t offer support or ask Qs, just say “sorry to hear this” as a PP suggests.

I will do from now on