DH with MH issues and pregnancy

[BPDHusband]

Hi

I have name changed for this and posting here as I genuinely don’t know where else to go. I am in my first trimester and only a few people know of the pregnancy. My husband is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which family know about to an extent but I don’t know if they fully understand the condition.

When we first found out he was happy, it’s something we’ve wanted. However in the past week his behaviour has done a 180. It started with a nasty argument about my feeling sick constantly (I’m really struggling with the pregnancy and have been on and off tears all week) and lack of sex - which resulted in me crying on the sofa for an hour late at night. He later told me he had been through a bad day at work and apologised for his behaviour.

However the nastiness has continued. He is walking around with a miserable scowl on his face and just constantly being spiky with me. In the last few days he has told me that he ‘sick of my shut’, that I’m ‘milking it’ and also sarcastically asked me ‘are you disabled?’. I have been crying almost all day and he has completely blanked me during my crying spells, sat playing guitar or staring blankly at me. We were due to travel down to see family because it’s his birthday (I’m the only one that drives) and he has been completely off with me about it since I said I’m too unwell to do a four hour trip on a Sunday ( I work FT in a demanding job). I have asked him to communicate with his family regarding pregnancy so they can understand and we can find a solution but he won’t. In fact now I think about it, this was one of the reasons for the initial argument.

I just feel utterly alone at the minute. I have my own MH issues and I’m finding pregnancy so hard. I’m sick of him treating me so badly. Tonight I snapped and called him a joke of a man, a poor father and husband and he just laughed at me. He isn’t usually like this and can be very loving and caring but he has such a nasty side and I don’t know if I can cope with it anymore - what happens when our child is here and he has another episode? I’m at an absolute loss.

IDK how much his actions are even down to Borderline. I have Borderline traits, but I'd mostly just call his actions 'being a twat.'

Either way, he to an extent has a choice about how he behaves. In this situation, it's mostly his decision. Even if he isn't 100% deciding to be nasty to you, he's still deciding to act on his inclination to be nasty to you, if you see what I mean.

This is abuse.
It doesn't matter whether or not he has a diagnosed personality disorder.
He is abusing you.
Get the hell out of there before he does any more damage to your mental health.

THE MENTALLY ILL OR ADDICTED ABUSER

This last category is not actually separate from the others; an abusive man of any of the aforementioned styles can also have psychiatric or substance-abuse problems, although the majority do not. Even when mental illness or addiction is a factor, it is not the cause of a man's abuse of his partner, but it can contribute to the severity of his problem and his resistance to change. When these additional problems are present, it is important to be aware of the following points:

1. Certain mental illnesses can increase the chance that an abuser will be dangerous and use physical violence. These include paranoia, severe depression, delusions or hallucinations (psychosis), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and antisocial personality disorder known as psychopathy or sociopathy). These psychiatric conditions also make it next to impossible for an abuser to change, at least until the mental illness has been brought under control through therapy and/or medication, which can take years. Even if the mental illness is properly treated, his abusiveness won't necessarily change.

1. An abuser's reactions to going on or off medication are unpredictable. A woman should take extra precautions for her safety at such a time. Abusers tend to go off medication before long—I have had few clients who were consistent and responsible about taking their meds in the long term. They don't like the side effects, and they are too selfish to care about the implications of the mental illness for their partners or children.

1. The potential danger of a mentally ill abuser has to be assessed by looking at the severity of his psychiatric symptoms in combination with the severity of his abuse characteristics. Looking at his psychiatric symptoms alone can lead to underestimating how dangerous he is.

1. Antisocial personality disorder is present in only a small percentage of abusers but can be important. Those who suffer from this condition lack a conscience and thus are repeatedly involved in behaviors that are harmful to others. Some signs of this condition include: (a) He started getting into illegal behavior when he was still a teenager; (b) his dishonest or aggressive behavior involves situations unrelated to his partner, rather than being restricted to her; (c) he periodically gets into trouble at workplaces or in other contexts for stealing, threatening, or refusing to follow instructions and is likely to have a considerable criminal record by about age thirty, though the offenses may be largely minor ones; (d) he is severely and chronically irresponsible in a way that disrupts the lives of others or creates danger; and (e) he tends to cheat on women a lot, turn them against each other, and maintain shallow relationships with them. The psychopath's physical violence is not necessarily severe, contrary to the popular image, but he may be very dangerous nonetheless. Antisocial personality disorder is very difficult to change through therapy, and there is no effective medication for treating it. It is highly compatible with abusiveness toward women.

1. Those who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder have a highly distorted self-image. They are unable to accept that they might have faults and therefore are unable to imagine how other people perceive them. This condition is highly compatible with abusiveness, though it is present in only a small percentage of abusive men. Clues to the presence of this disorder include: (a) Your partner's self-centeredness is severe, and it carries over into situations that don't involve you; (b) he seems to relate everything back to himself; and (c) he is outraged whenever anyone criticizes him and is incapable of considering that he could ever be anything other than kind and generous. This disorder is highly resistant to therapy and is not treatable with medication. The abuser with this disorder is not able to change substantially through an abuser program either, although he sometimes makes some minor improvements.

1. Many abusers who are not mentally ill want women to think that they are, in order to avoid responsibility for their attitudes and behavior.

Substance abuse, like mental illness, does not cause partner abuse but can increase the risk of violence. Like the mentally ill abuser, the addicted abuser doesn't change unless he deals with his addiction, and even that is only the first step. Chapter 8 examines the role that substances play in partner abuse.

The attitudes driving the mentally ill or addicted batterer are the same as those of other abusers and will likely follow the pattern of one of the nine styles described above. In addition, the following attitudes tend to be present:

• I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological or substance problems.

• If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have. It also shows that you don't understand my other problems.

• I'm not abusive, I'm just———(alcoholic, drug addicted, manic-depressive, an adult child of alcoholics, or whatever his condition may be).

• If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness, and you'll be responsible for what I do.

From www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

If he is nasty to you now he will only get worse when the baby is here and he gets woken up five times a night. Your relationship won't last. Better to prepare for a future for yourself with your child.

This abuse and the stress he is inducing in you is already harming the baby in your womb due to increased adrenaline and cortisol. You might be able to endure or tolerate it but can or should your baby?

It may be that the shift in focus from him to you is something he's struggling with,

it could be that he's pushing you to test if you're going to leave him (especially as this will be a significant fear, people with BPD/EUPD have) especially when things are going well/ they have what they want, their fear will quickly manifest that it's all going to go away, they will lose it or that the person in control (you) will take it away.

Either way it's not acceptable. He needs to talk properly to you about his fears and or feelings without being accusatory. You probably know this is easier suggested than he can do.

Loving someone with BPD can be very challenging, do you have any support from professionals with it separate to your own mental health support? Carers support etc?