Anyone else has a partner/husband who pushes you to make friends with his mother and sister?

[Mimosa20]

I'll try to keep this short.

Basically my husband has been very pushy to ensure that I become good friends (if not best) with his mother and sister. These two women in his life are probably more important than me (so it feels at times). He tells me his mum feels lonely and would love if I texted her. He tells me I need to show some warmth to her and we've had several arguments because of this. With his sister again, he tells me to 'make some effort' cause she had a divorce 3 years ago and is still single and is desperate for kids. As much as I try to have a good relationship with them, I find it very irritating when someone is telling me what to do. I am doing all the "nice" things a partner should be doing, but I'm not exaggerating to the point it's fake. Although his mother is sweet she's also very controlling, needy and critical which drives me insane. His mother is also upset with his sister that she's not married nor have kids which reflects on the sister's wellbeing.

I feel like my husband expects me to act like the family's moderator and therapist which is insane. I have told my husband my issues with this and he says he understands but it often relapses where he is being pushy. I don't want OUR relationship to suffer because of his family.

Is he making equal effort with your family?

I feel like my husband expects me to act like the family's moderator and therapist which is insane

Even before the above, it was clear that your husband has put you into service, managing his difficult female family members. This won't get better - it will be much worse as children arrive and then you're stuck with them forever.

From experience, I would strongly advise you leave. If you stay, and and have children, you will bitterly regret it.

He can't dictate that you have a close relationship with his family any more than you can dictate that he does with yours. It simply is what it is.

Tell him to back off. You can have a perfectly civil relationship with his mother and sister without considering them and their problems to be your responsibility.

Your DH is getting you to do HiS dirty work.

This is all to make HIS life easier. Don’t do it.

Sounds like they are difficult people and he needs you as the buffer in between.

Tell HIM “No”.

Keep your distance from them.

Your husband is very demanding of you in a situation that is his to deal with. Tell him you are there to support him but cannot mediate between his family (or be responsible for their wellbeing). Focus on your own relationship. YANBU at all.

His mother’s loneliness and has sister’s divorce are nothing to do with you. If he feels they need company or attention, it’s his job to provide it.

It's going to be tricky sifting the different types of advice you will be receiving when you have 2 threads on the go. I'd pick one and have the other deleted.

His mother’s loneliness and has sister’s divorce are nothing to do with you.

100% agree - maybe the DM is lonely because she is nasty/difficult? Maybe SiL is the same? That’s why people don’t have friends and they will be nasty/difficult with you.

Your DH doesn’t sound much better.

Trust your gut. Build your boundaries v v high, v v deep and v v wide.

Don’t let your DH manipulate you just to keep him comfortable.

@Kitty2020 I know, I have started to suspect this. My husband has been accustomed to these two women and thinks its normal. It's not until lately he's started to understand that it's not normal to be a people pleaser, which he essentially asks me to be. He also forgets that other families have their own problems, it's not only about theirs. My own family is dealing with our internal stuff, but it has never affected my husband.

I’m afraid your post resonates with me far too much. My MIL is an anxious control freak and can be a bit of a pain. My SIL is however one of the most awful people I have ever met. She also never married nor had dc and is now in her early fifties. I have had a few friends that sadly never married or had dc and I have wondered why but his sister is vile and it’s obvious why she is single. She is a nasty bitter woman just like her Father. See MIL did cause some problems at the start of our marriage but really it was because she was made crazy by her bullying husband and daughter. Away from them she behaved completely differently.

It’s their family dynamic the roles they have got used to playing.
I ended up listening to MIL crying on the phone for months because her own daughter my SIL was bullying her. MIL is far more stable now FIL has died.

Take a step back and be really careful, build boundaries be polite, be kind but be very careful you don’t end up the family therapist . I did and it made me hugely stressed,

@MsMellivora I'm sorry this happened to you and I will take your advice. My MIL had a breakdown telling my husband her kids have abandonded her and she feels so lonely and that I (DIL) am not messaging her and would love to hear from me. Her son speaks with her everyday and daughter visits about once a week. She tried to make me feel guilty for her situation which I really did not appreciate. She has no hobbies and very little friends apart from her children which makes the situation really really bad.

His mother’s loneliness and has sister’s divorce are nothing to do with you.
This.

I think it's reasonable to expect partners to make an effort with family members unless there's a big back story or history, but that doesn't mean becoming their emotional crutch on demand.

From your update OP it could be that she really is lonely, or it could be that she's quite manipulative and likes to have her children jumping when she plays the guilt trip card.

I'd be more inclined to make a bigger effort with his sister than his mother to be honest.

Then you are wise to keep your distance. Google the term emeshment and I think it will be resonate with DHs family. I would also recommend Susan forward's book 'toxic in-laws'. Its inappropriate for her to be saying those things and the level or contact is excessive. You need clear boundaries now or when you have DC you'll all become her pet project. I had similar with DH where there was a lot of FOG with MIL and obligations around being a good DIL which was basically something from back in the 50s where all the women were constantly in each other's business and there was a never ending stream of birthdays to sort out for relatives we havent ever met. There there also 2hr long phone calls where MIL poured over the perceived wrongs of other family members. All over dramatic crap. I tried to keep up at first but after they all behaved horribly following my birth trauma I've stopped. I've also stopped with any weekdnd visiting, hosting dinners, going out with PIL etc and pushed DH and myself to forge our own age appropriate relationships with our peers. Otherwise your life quickly becomes a black hole where your main 'friends' are your 70yr old PIL! Change has been hard but equally beneficial to PIL (they may disagree) who have started going out with their own friends more.

Sounds like your H is fed up of the responsibility of being the focus for these two women and wants you to share the burden. Hells no! You aren’t responsible for his family dysfunction and neither should you buy into it either.

You weren’t put on his earth to perpetuate your H’s lack of boundaries and backbone.

My DH does this for me and his mum too. I'm currently pregnant with our first and she has been pushing grandchildren since before we were engaged. Since being pregnant I found her too full on and have taken a step back in our relationship.

DH is constantly telling me to have a relationship with her, be friends with her, take her baby shopping etc but what bothers me, is he expects me to make all of the effort with her. She never texts me to arrange anything or see how I'm doing during a difficult pregnancy (apparently she is "terrified" of upsetting me during pregnancy)

So I completely understand how you feel OP kind of being told what to do even though our in law family situations are different.

My best advice is to just stand your ground and explain to DH that families and relationships are different. He can't expect you to be a surrogate child in place of him